A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:Please bare with me and sorry for the long post.Im in a bit of a slump the past year. Essentially I once again broke up with a girl I'm madly in love with because circumstances prevents us from being together, that being a long distance relationship with no short term plan on how to be together.We've decided to see other people as it's the only way for us to move on and live our lives to the fullest, since they'll be nothing holding us back. Basically it's been over 9 months since we broke up and I haven't dated anyone since.I'm having trouble getting out there since no girl interests me anymore. I pushed myself to be devoted the past few years to the woman I'm with that I'm basically thinking anyone other that her as lower that my girlfriend. It pains me to say that it's a problem now since it's unhealthy to put girls in a pedastol.I feel that my heart is holding out hope that we'll eventually get back together, that I'm turning tons of great girls down in the process.But a part of me feels that I shouldn't settle for anything else that I want I'm young I have time. I'm so torn that I myself don't know If I want to find someone new or be with my ex again.I've spoken with a few close friends and they said that I wasn't hangover her, its that I have a specific type. I wasn't into girls in High school till my fist girlfriend came along and talked to me,I was "hungover" her on college thats when I met my now ex-girlfriend , whom people say are exactly like her. And now that I'm out of school I'll never find "my type" of girl unless I give them a chance and get to know them first.I just feel like unless a girl is a perfect match for me its no use getting to know her, I may fall in love with her and mess up my chances of landing the girl that is perfect and I'll live my life regretting it. Im waiting for a girl to come in and sweep me of my feet, then she'll be everything that I asked for and more...I know I sound like a girl but when I say it but isn't that all we want.Now my question is do I sound hungover my ex?Is dating similar looking and acting girls healthy for me?Thank you for reading.
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male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (20 June 2018):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay thank you Honeypie. I am actually socializing more now but as Ive said I feel these girls couldnt compare and just didnt follow through on their advances. But knowing now that getting over someone does take time...it really took some pressure of me and take my time to heal.
I dont think I could do casual dating N91. As Honeypie said... I feel so emotionally attached to everything that I dont think I can take it. ButIm gonna try thinking of every girl now as a posibility I have to at least give them that.
My thanks for pointing me to the right direction. Painful or not I have to believe that theres something better after this breakup. And though my perception on love is borderline fantastical, that everything has to be perfect and cheery I guess I have to expect normal things first before getting to the good stuff.
Being 23 and single for me feels hard, but I guess I just have to learn to enjoy it. Im gonna take a page out of a person who came here to DC for help once and print these responses and put them in my wallet, so that Ill always have a reminder everytime my heart is having doubts.
I feel like Im not that emotionally strong yet...but I guess my goal now is to get to the point where I am. Thank you.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 June 2018):
 Of course the end goal is to get married, have kids and live happily ever after, but it’s not a race. Why the rush? You’re 25 tops going off your listed age. I’m 26 years old, I’m currently with my first GF, we’ve been together roughly 8 months. I am in no rush to live together, have kids or get married. I want to eventually or else I wouldn’t be with her, but there is no hurry right now. I feel relaxed knowing that we care about each other and it’s progressing well, but at no point when I was single did I worry that I’m going to end up alone for the rest of my life.
I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, or that I needed to cling onto any girl that dropped me a bit of attention. I knew that one day I would meet someone that I wanted something serious with (I was very happy being single and had various casual encounters because that’s all I wanted in my younger years). You need to relax. Stop worrying so much. You need to get to the bottom of why you feel this necessity to be with someone. I understand where you’re coming from that you want to build a future with someone and it will happen. You and your ex weren’t meant to be or you wouldn’t have had to break up. When one door closes with someone another opens with someone else. It sounds clichè but it’s true.
You need to slow down in this relationships also. Jumping in with both feet usually leads to them fizzling out as fast as they began. You need to get to know them first, everything needs to happen naturally. Living together with someone after 4 months is ridiculous to be honest. You still barely know each other and is a receipe for disaster.
Do not rush into your next relationship. Take this time now to work on yourself and drop all the feelings for your ex. People move on at different speeds but it gets to a point where it’s affecting day to day life if it drags on for a prolonged period. I have had people in my past who have hurt me and it’s taken a few months to get over. But you do get there. You realise one day that it’s for the best that it’s over and that if you were a match then you wouldn’t be going through that pain. You need to drag yourself out of this down patch, get your head back up and carry on. As I said you’re the only one that can change things.
Put yourself out there, drop the self pity act, enjoy your youth! Quit the moping, move on and be happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2018):
 Hi Sam!
Maybe while you take some time to focus all that energy (that you are currently wasting in building this ex a top tier pedestal) you use that energy on yourself. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is always room for finding things that makes YOU feel great. With it being summer and all, I suggest some outdoor activities. And don't isolate yourself either.
Go out and socialize. Don't go looking for a date or the "next" GF but get out there and meet & talk to new people (women included). And if you catch yourself comparing anyone new with the ex, catch yourself and stop it.
People are not made with cookie cutters. They don't fall into strict "types". And if you are honest with yourself you will accept that the ex while she had MANY qualities you liked wasn't a long term match for you. But also recognize that IF you can find ONE quality girl, you CAN find another. You obviously know what you like and how to spot that in other women. However, don't get stuck on a "type", and certainly not on the "clone of the ex" kind of type. They will fall short (even if they are a better match for you) and you will try harder to conjure up this "perfect" ex.
I can tell you this, It took me YEARS to get over my first BF. We were together for 4 1/2 years and he was something else. But in the end it was also obvious that we had outgrown each other and wanted VERY different things in life. I did (like you) see him as "perfect" for years afterward and did compare him to all other guys I met and well, they fell short. I even dated another guy about a year after we broke up just to "get over" the first BF. Which was really unfair to guy #2. Especially since #2 was a great guy too who didn't deserve to be a rebound.
So I really think NOT dating for a while still is the right thing. You don't want to "settle" for someone or to "use" them as a rebound. That doesn't mean you can't go out and socialize. And find things in life that you enjoy.
I have never done casual, so I can't speak much for it. I think casual is pointless. And I think it rarely works out as a good thing, because it's an emotional vacuum. I don't think someone as sensitive as you should try casual, I think it will make you feel worse than you are now.
You seem to love with your whole heart (and that is good) that means when you love someone you are all in, but it also means when it end you need to be all out.
You and your ex (no matter how lovely she is) broke up. There was a reason it didn't work. Which is probably why even considering getting back together is not a good idea. The reason you two broke up is STILL valid. Right?
LEARN from this last relationship. If you ARE to look back do it to do better in the future, not to think the past is the only good thing ever. There is more great stuff to come.
did all that make sense?
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (19 June 2018):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you N91,
You dont know how much it means to me, getting advice like these.My mind I feel is in the right track wanting me to forget her but I feel somethings yet holding me back.
Actually she was my second girlfriend and the one I lost my virginity too. I really did feel like she would be the one I'll spend my days with. So yeah you did get it right with me I know its dumb to think that but after I hit 15 Ive only been single for like a year and i always had the notion that love would be perfect. See i dont believe that everone is replacable...im that kind of guy.
So Im kinda just learning how to act single now and play the game ,if that makes sense. After going through my first break up (I was 20 then btw) I was lost and spent almost a year pining to get my ex back, and when I finally found someone else I treated her as an extension of my first relationship. It is stupid I know and I really need to mature and stop being so needy or clingy, but yeah. WE MOVED REALLY FAST, we lived together after 4 months of dating in college, got close to my folks , my sibs, got her a job from my dad, made a long term plan together...the whole shebang, till her whole family emergency thing came in and she had to move away.
I just think that if getting married and having a family is the life I want then yeah being single and alone really makes me feel lost and powerless.
Well sorry again for sharing stories I know this isnt only about me and this needs more of a therapists help but I really appreciate the wake up calls. I can visualize whats right and now maybe try and aim to be better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 June 2018):
You’re definitely right that you’ve put this girl on a pedestal. That is one of the worst things you can do when it comes to a relationship where you think the sun shines out of someone’s ass to the extent that no other person on the planet will ever compare. The fact of the matter is, absolutely EVERYONE on this planet is replaceable. It is very rare for someone to break up with a partner and NEVER get into a another relationship. Instances like this would be where there’s deep psychological damage that would need aid such as therapy to get over.
You sound like someone that’s never had much female interest and I think that’s why you’ve clung onto the thought of your ex so much. Is she your first partner and person you’ve slept with? Because that’s a big factor in things like this. Some people become super attached to the person they lose their virginity to and think they’re destined to spend their lives together. This is more often than not the case. You need to put yourself out there, play the field, why sit in a slump over someone for almost a year? You’re the only person that can snap yourself out of this, no one else. Self pitying lifestyles really aren’t attractive and you’ll never get anywhere with anyone else as long as you’re feeling this way.
Get rid of the mentality of having a ‘type’. There’s only people that we match with and people that we don’t. You said it yourself, if you don’t speak to girls and get to know them then how will you ever be able to know whether you’ll match with them?
I’ve just noticed you have written an update. You write ‘I feel lost not being in a serious relationship’. I’m sorry but you need to get a grip here. That sounds extremely clingy. Surely you don’t feel like you HAVE to be in a relationship? Having a partner should be an enhancement to your life, not a necessity. I really think you need to be on your own for a while, you need to stop acting like every woman you meet you’re going to fall in love with, they come and go so easily. Learn to have fun with things and be more laid back or else you’re going to end up very lonely comparing every woman to your ex.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (19 June 2018):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks FA,I actually feel very confused and conflicted right now. Its like my mind knows its about time to move on but my heart still beats for her.And like Ive said I have next to no experience in dating casually. Ive only been in 2 relationships both serious.I know what I want ,and I feel that my heart is keeping a fair standard, it just feels like its a bad idea going for her "type" for a third time.I appreciate the time you took to answer I really couldnt ask anybody else. It really helps to gain outside perspective on my situation.I just miss being young and falling head over heals on first sight with someone again. I feel lost not beeing in a serious relationship but I guess if I feel this way now I havent really worked on myself the passed year huh.Appreciate the help.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 June 2018):
 Dear Sam,
Your post is somewhat confusing, but I'll do my best to answer you. I appreciate you asking two specific questions, that gives us a good starting point.
You sound like you are still hung up your ex girlfriend and not over her. Your emotions are still connected to her. You are not ready to start dating anyone seriously at this point.
Here are some of the reasons, I believe this. You continuously compare every girl you meet to your ex. No girl you meet is as good as her to you. You still have some hope that you will be able to return to your ex relationship.
Your second question seems to be a bit more forward looking. You ask if dating girls who look and act similar is healthy. In your current emotional state it is not very health for you, or fair to the girls you meet if the remind you a lot of your ex. In fact you allude to this. You don't give them a chance. you are looking for a replacement, what you need is a New relationship. The more you compare current girls with your ex the more you tighten your bond to your ex. Tightening that bond makes your hear feel good, but the reality is that it does nothing to actually bring you closer to your ex.
9 months is a long time to stay attached to a girl who was happy to let you go. You need to move on. The best way for you to do that is to work on your self. You need to practice not living in the past. You need to be your best self every day. You need to stop turning great girls down. But you do not want to commit to them quickly. You need to say, "I'd be happy to get to know you better, but I'm not ready to be exclusive. " Stick to short dates, and don't get involved sexually. when you start seeing these great girls as real possibilities it will be time to choose one to be exclusive with.
FA
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