A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have become very insecure about my fiance's porn usage. We have been together for over a year and are very much in love. I am pretty much always up for sex because I have a very high sex drive. I am always trying new things with him, try to emulate some of his fantasies, like having sex in weird places, cumming on different parts of my body, bjs etc. Sometimes he refuses sex for days, even if I jump on him naked! He says he's too tired, or not ready yet.When we started the sexual part of our relationship we had agreed to be honest about any porn that either of us wanted to see, maybe even look at it together. We had seemed to agree that porn was a supplement to something missing in the sexual aspect of the relationship, and that we should be absolutely open about it.Now it has been twice that I know of that he has been viewing porn behind my back and me finding out because we share a computer. I was hurt and cried and he felt really bad, but now seems to still want to watch it even though I try really hard to sexually satisfy him and it hurts my feelings! He even has naughty naked pictures of me, which was stretching my comfort level a bit.Is he not attracted to me? Am I doing something wrong? I could deal with the porn if I understood why he wanted it even under these circumstances. I've just been feeling insecure, inadequate, and a little rejected.Thanks so much for reading!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): try getting some female porn and see if he reacts the same way. you'd be surprized how double standard this can be..
and im not talking about the romantic porn, girls orgasming all over the place kind of porn that guys like to think were into. im talking about the guys gone wild, playgirl, foreign model kind of porn (if hes white, try black guys).
i say he needs a taste of his own medicine.
develope a habit of it.. get caught with it often.
everytime he thinks about looking at some porn, hell be thinking about the porn you've been looking at in disgust and wont be able to concentrate.
hey girls, it actually works!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): guys do it because if they dont, theyll need to cheat. its a piss poor replacement for faithfulness, isnt it?
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Sorry missed the part about him avoiding sex...
Yes, that's not normal porn usage, that's a problem. This you can bring up and say, porn is spoiling our sex life and you need to give it up.
It could be however that your sex drive is too high for him and the sex is too intense. You are like a quality champagne, which is wonderful but leaves him feeling tired... porn is quick and easy and is like an old cup of stewed tea, comforting and relaxing and not a whole bottle full.
He might be horny, but just too tired to do acrobats in the bedroom. Maybe an agreement to cut back on sex of all types including masturbation might help him. Also try some sex days where it's not wild, but more the gentle sex before sleep type of sex, or maybe if you can, just oral sex quickly and then go to sleep.... that might help a little... Take some of these suggestions to him and tell him to work with you to solve this problem, to be honest about what is going on.
Whatever it is, you must understand and believe that you are not the problem, he still finds you attractive, otherwise he would leave or he would cheat.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
You don't seem to have a total dislike of porn. Instead what you seem to be saying is it makes you feel insecure
and you believe that porn usage has something to do with
bad relationships.
This is what you and him have decided but now you've found out that's not true.
Pornography is linked to masturbation not sex with another person. Have you ever masturbated? Do you still masturbate even though your in a relationship? If you do, you will notice that masturbation and sex are very different. Masturbation is quicker, it's usually less intense than sex, and in masturbation you use a lot of fantasy, where sex is more grounded, more about being in the here and now.
That's what he gets out of pornography and why he might continue it. Men seem to need some help to masturbate successfully, and that seems to be visual stimulation, rather than the words or imagination that women use. It's women who like romance books whilst men go more for pornography. Most of the time they are looking at the sex act rather than the girl. They are not comparing you to the female porn stars, they just look at the sex taking place and try to orgasm.
You've given him pictures of you, and that is very nice,
you also agree to have wild sex with him and again that's very nice. But you must do these things because they
please you and not because your trying to stop him using porn. Otherwise, like you found out, if he goes back and uses porn you'll feel upset and disappointed. Sex shouldn't be used as payment or blackmail... do this and then I'll do that for you, this attitude will spoil things in your bedroom. It cheapens the sex in a way by making it into a transaction. Pictures of you are nice, but could you read the same book until the day you die. Just like reading a book, or watching a video, a guy (or even a woman) needs variety in what they use for masturbation purposes.
Behind your back... sigh.. have you both agreed to tell each other anytime you masturbate or have any types of erotic fantasies? Masturbation and therefore pornography is usually a very private practise. Many women are still to embarrassed to tell anyone that they masturbate, and if they read erotic novels, they get very defensive when anyone tries to see what they are reading. Same goes for men and their pornography.
Nothing wrong with his usage, just like a large percentage of men he likes to use pornography sometimes for masturbation. Many men can give up, if their girlfriend explains why she is hurt and how it makes her feel. But for this to be successful she also has to listen to him and listen to what he thinks on the issue and how he feels.
Many men lie about porn, because they feel forced to. They agree that they hate it because they feel that the woman will leave them if they don't. This is not right, but this is what men do and they've been doing it for years. Less likely to happen if the woman has no strong beliefs over porn or uses it herself.
Have you looked at any porn yourself? Did you enjoy it, find it boring or find it disgusting. Many men don't like it much, or they can easily not be bothered to use it. But men who actually hate porn are very rare.
That's the difficulty with your theory, that only men who have bad sex lives use porn. Let's say about 80% of men use porn (some say 99%) are they all unhappy in their relationships or single and lonely?
Go talk to him about how you feel and listen to his answers. In pornography there are also things that you can't do, some of it is total fantasy. Suppose he likes watching lesbian sex, orgies, or older women or short dwarves, you can't recreate that. Some people even like watching sex cartoons, and then what they show isn't possible for any human being.
The majority of men use pornography, not all the time, but many will look at it now and again and can't really promise never to look. Many women also use pornography, or use erotic books and their imagination, which is a very similar thing. Many people also give up pornography by themselves because after a while porn is very boring, but the more they feel themselves forced, is the more they'll look at it, just to retain some control.
Talk to him and try to understand more about what he thinks is important for him sexually. You have your views on porn, but his views are also important. Continue with your sex life as before, if you pull away because of this, you give him no option but to leave or use more porn.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You need to talk to him again. He needs to know how much it bothers you and how it makes you feel about yourself. Ask him totally honest questions about why he doesn't want sex as often and if he prefers watching porn. If there's a problem or he won't cooperate/change or be honest with you then maybe it's time either to see a counsellor or to call it quits. Make sure he doesn't have a problem with himself though - maybe he is really unconfident about his performance. When you do have sex reassure him how good he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You mention that you are always trying new things with him and you are always trying to satisfy him. So on the face of it, he is a very lucky man! He has a willing and able sexual partner, who is going through hoops to try and keep him satisfied. Not least by giving him explicit pictures of herself, even thought this is out of her comfort zone.
You both had an agreement/understanding that porn would be discussed first, before it was considered by either of you and he is not doing that. So he is being unreasonable. He has the problem, you dont!
Going behind you back after agreeing nothing like that would happen, lying to you about it AND making you feel inadequate is going to affect things. But the thing is, you should feel differently about him...not yourself!
Dont fall into the trap of thinking you are doing something wrong, you arent...he is. He has broken an agreement with you, he is doing something behind your back, which he agreed not to do, he is hiding things and lying to you. Please try and keep this in perspective and stop blaming yourself. He is the wrong doer.
Explain how disappointed you are in him and ask him why he feels the need to break your agreement and lie to you. If he cant come up with any sensible answers that reassure you. Then you need to ask yourself just how much he can really love you, when he is trashing your self esteem and trust in him...all for cheap sexual thrills.
If he wants to be your man and truly cherishes what you have together, he needs to clean up his act quick smart. He should never allow something as tacky as porn to damage what you have together. Honestly, what he is doing is NOT your fault. I am sure you are lovely and many men would give a lot to be with someone like you. So dont sell yourself short. If this guy has a problem with porn, lies and sneaks around, that is not your fault it is a part of HIS personality. You should not blame yourself for that.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 February 2012):
 It has NOTHING to do with you. It's a habit he's picked up from being single and an adolescent. I'm about as anti-porn as they come, but I just want to make sure you know this really does not have ANYTHING to do with you. He finds you attractive, I'm sure he thinks you're great in bed, but the habitual user will find it near impossible to stop even when faced with negative consequences (such as devastating his partner).I always recommend the book The Porn Trap by Wendy and Larry Maltz. It is written for couples struggling with this issue. Here's my little list of articles about this that are interesting to read through and to show to your partner:http://stoppornculture.org/q-a/http://www.healthysex.com/page/recognizing-problems-caused-by-pornhttp://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/04/porn-and-intimacy.htmlhttp://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/02/does-pornography-help-or-hurt.htmlhttp://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2008/04/12/why-porn-isnt-cool-part-1/
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