A
female
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*obbyjo
writes:Im so ashamed and embaressed. So lastnight I went to a friends birthday party. My ex from a very long time ago was there. I had drunk quite alot and I was flirting outrageously with him. Then later on in the night his girlfriend arrives. I did not know he had a girlfriend. He then makes a point of snogging her right in front of my face. To annoy him, I go up and introduce myself and we chat and she turns out to be really nice and friendly but doesnt know who I am or that I am his ex. As the night goes on, and the alcohol flows even more, I think its a good idea to try and drag up the past with the ex when his girlfriend was out of earshot like telling him how much I had loved him and how my life would be different had we stayed together. He didnt want to talk and kept walking off and he must of gone to his gf and told her because the next thing I know she is coming over to me and politely asking me to leave her boyfriend alone! Im so stunned and I walk away but then I burst into tears and cry to his friends!!! So now I look even worse crying to his friends about a boy I went out with years ago! I am so embaressed I cant even look at my facebook etc as Im just so ashamed and I want to hide. God only knows what my ex thinks of me now, and his friends! He always used to tell me I was an awful drunk, but this takes the biscuit! I feel so ashamed I just keep thinking how they are probably laughing at me and thinking that I must still love him which I do not! I was very, very drunk and I know that everyone does silly things when drunk sometimes and I would expect it of younger people but I cant even chalk it up to that reason as I am 31 next week - old enough to know better! Ive thought about sending him a message just to say sorry I was drunk and out of hand and I dont have any feelings for him anymore. But I dont wanna give him that satisfaction of letting him know that Im in turmoil today over it all. I wish I could turn back time and not drunk as much. Then I would not even of spoke to him let alone say the things I did! And his poor new gf must think he has a psycho bunnyboiler ex she now has to deal with! I want to die. Its not even as though I still love him, I dont have any feelings for him anymore. Im in love with another ex who I am trying to patch things up with as we split a couple of months agi and if he gets wind of this he will not be happy! I can keep my head down but I live in a small town and I know that this is probably hot gossip right now. Im sooooo ashamed and embaressed please help.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Hi, don't apologise as they are aware you were drunk. However, maybe you should not drink if you don't handle it well. Also keep a low profile and work on your image, words alone are not enough to show you changed. Start improving your life and building peoples respect. We all have had some serious emotional set backs in life but we grow and learn. Something you need to do. Forgive yourself and move on. If someone is rude enough to remind you of your drunken behaviour laugh it off and say I am a changed person and with time you will. Also live by those words and you will then not have to hold your head down in shame.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): It would do you better to keep a low profile for awhile, and just let time wash this all away.
It was recommended that you apologize; but bothering your ex and his girlfriend even more than you have, would only make matters worse.
They may just take that opportunity to admonish you for the behavior; and use it against you to hurt you more. Bask in your humiliation. I think you've done enough. They don't really need to hear from you. Send them a card with a very short sincere note of apology, and stay away from them. Your emotions will make you talk too much; and the more you say, the deeper you'll bury yourself. So no calls or long letters of any sort.
Don't go telling anyone that you don't care for him anymore; because your drunken performance contradicts anything you say otherwise. The host of the party deserves an "in-person" and direct apology; for turning the party into your own personal-drama episode. Don't worry about the other guests. Everyone expects someone tipsy to show-out, and it just so happened to be you. It was a party, and everyone was expected to indulge. They were also expected to behave. That didn't workout for you.
Do yourself a favor and get some counseling for your drinking. If you can't handle alcohol; then you shouldn't be drinking.
If you get drunk to self-medicate; or to deal with uncomfortable situations, you do have a drinking problem. If someone tells you that you're a bad drunk, that means they have witnessed several incidents in the past.
So you have a history of being a bad drinker. Get help.
Your behavior at the party was a carry-over of the pain you're going through for your more recent breakup. I might suggest you let that go. Don't try to patch it up.
You've got too many problems you need to work on. Your drinking being one of them, and your inability to just move on. You drag baggage around; because you haven't learned how to deal with it and move forward. Your feelings for your previous ex, were never fully resolved. You had no other choice but to choke on it; because he moved on, and didn't look back. Don't worry about what new girlfriend's think of you. Seriously, don't!!!
They already have biased opinions, and they will get to see first-hand what he contributed to your breakup with him. There are two-sides to every story. You proved part of what he said to be true. More motivation to work on yourself. What's done is done. Fast forward.
You take rejection badly, you have a very damaged ego, and
low self-esteem. No current or new relationship would survive all this. No decent guy deserves to commit to you, and get all this in return. You're looking to men to save and repair you. Heal yourself. That's YOUR job.
You're looking for validation through men, thus you have two failed relationships. Yet, you're still clinging to another recently broken; that is probably down the tubes, but you just can't let go of it. It would mean to you, that you're a failure. In your defense. NO, it doesn't. You were just not ready for another relationship, and dove-in it too soon.
You said:
"Im in love with another ex who I am trying to patch things up with as we split a couple of months agi and if he gets wind of this he will not be ..."
Patching is just a quick-fix. You need reconstruction before you decide to have another relationship with anyone. You don't need to go back to another mess you've made, and patch it up. Visualize a wall with a lot of cracks in it. With blotches of cement or caulking over the cracks. Splattered all over the wall. That is how the relationship would be; instead of a solid smooth structure. You don't want that.
So you acted out when you faced the past, when you met the other ex. You had a lot of unfinished business. You obviously have not changed, and now you're worried about how people will judge you.
It is more important how you feel about yourself. Put the party behind you. People in pain do things they don't normally do. You can't change your ex's opinion; because he has a past with you. His opinion no longer matters. He is out of your life for good. If your more recent ex gets wind of your party episode; that would be good too. He would be better off to let you stay single; and allow you time to heal yourself. You should seek some help pulling your life back together. So you won't be trying to recycle broken relationships; and having emotional meltdowns over those long gone.
It is a small town. You have already built yourself a small-town reputation, by publicizing your pain in a drunken tirade. That is a person who needs some professional help, my dear. You also need a mother's hug and her tough-love. A good dose of her "I told you so's, and I didn't raise my daughter that ways!" They sober you up!
You can't do it all by yourself, and you should concentrate on yourself. Not about what other people think of you. You wouldn't worry if you had some control over how you behave. You are out of control, and will get it back when you allow yourself to heal and concentrate on fixing yourself. You don't need another relationship with a man just yet.
You need to find some independence and reacquaint yourself with "yourself." Actually "enjoy" living alone, and taking care of YOU. Once you have, you'll deal with pain as just another part of love and life. You'll survive the trauma. It will not totally consume you, and force you to self-destruct. Leading you into alcoholism. Which would be failure and a waste of your youth. You're only 31! Not old by a long shot! You will know how to pull yourself together after major mishaps. The resilience will come from your own inner-strength. You haven't tapped into it yet. You don't realize you have it. That party and embarrassment is your wake-up call!
Hope this makes sense! I took my time to think it all out, just for you!
Get some light counseling, let a professional help you.
Give-up on the more recent breakup. You need some down-time to go into repair. A true time-out.
Getaway from relationships. They've torn you apart. You will not be ready for awhile. You're turning 31 soon, you should have it together by now.
Good news! It's not too late, you're still young, and you just need to take care of yourself. Without a man to throw you off-track. Look at your major flaws and weaknesses that hurt your game. Fix them one by one. Then celebrate each small accomplishment. Give yourself credit. Don't beg for crumbs from a man.
Stay away from serious commitments for awhile, and give up drinking. Give your past a chance to settle a bit, and fade-off into the distance.
So you can say "that was back when." We all screw up after our hearts been broken. No matter what age you are, my dear lady! You are hurting. Fumbling in the dark. That's all.
Put up the sign, you're under repair and under new construction. Date for fun, and keep things brief and light. Start unloading the baggage. Travel light.
After that, watch how everything will start falling into place.
Before you do anything I've said. Forgive yourself, and apologize to your common-sense for not listening.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
 I agree with YouWish. You need to cut the alcohol, you need to apologize to the ex and his GF and you need to find a way to deal with this. OR you will end up doing more and more outrageous things that will push people FAR away from you.
At 31, yea you should know better, BUT... I think everyone is allowed to make mistakes. JUST don't repeat them and HANDLE them like a grown up.
And also, STOP being in denial. YOU do still have feelings for the ex. NO ONE goes through ALL that drama you put on if they didn't give a flying monkey fart. Maybe it's NOT exactly THAT ex, but the fantasy of this guy that you professed love for.
All these things do only two things.. ALIENATE friends & strangers and hold YOU back from finding someone for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2014):
 You've been posting here for 6 years, so I went back and did some reading, and this sort of thing isn't new to you, though I think this time you took it to a level that even shocked you. I do not think you're over this guy. You may have restraint when you're sober, but all of those unresolved feelings caused you to become drunk and revert to self-destructive behavior. You've dated some really nasty guys in the wake of this breakup you had some years ago and spent years pining after him and others.
You could blow it off, but you need to actually take this as the wake-up call for your life. Do not contact the guy to apologize because it'll just be another incidence of keeping him in contact and perpetuating the self-destructive behavior. This guy you've been pining over since your 20's...will it be in your 40's and 50's that you'll continue wasting your life on losers who leave streaks in the bed or embarrassing drunken behavior? At what point do you finally throw the wrench in, recognize the self-destructive patterns you fall to, and change your life once and for all? Cutting the booze is a very good start, and possibly some professional help to recognize and stop the patterns and behaviors once and for all. I could tell you advice to deal with this incident only to hear that more has happened, but I'd rather tell you to change your life once and for all.
What'll it be? Bury your head in the sand and try to forget this incident, or accept it for the call to change your life once and for all?
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Hi,
I agree that you are getting too old for this now. I've had friends in similar situations at social gatherings when we were in our early 30s and it feels a bit awkward to be honest, especially as everyone else was being mature and sensible with their drinking. We all make mistakes but I do think you need to use this to give yourself a wake up call. Getting that drunk is not a good idea and also doesn't do your health much good either. That fact that your ex says you were a bad drunk is also telling.
I'm not saying you have a drink problem, but in future it would be wise to stay more sober.
What happened, happened. You cannot change it so you just have to put it out of your mind and move on. I doubt anyone will remember it after a few days. To be fair your ex and his new GF both seemed to react sensibly and maturely towards the incident, so put it down to experience and keep yourself occupied with other things....it will pass.
Mark
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 I agree with the other answers; it would best to apologize and move on.
Also like cattycakes said, you might want to learn how much you CAN have so it doesn't happen again.
Try to avoid going to the same parties for a while. Don't worry, I'm sure things will settle down soon enough and you'll look back and laugh.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
 Draw whatever consolation you can from this, but I don't think anyone is laughing at you. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if your antics didn't cause some tension between your ex and his girlfriend, though nothing that can't be smoothed over.
Normally I don't recommend people contact their exes, but in this case I think an apology is in order, especially to his girlfriend. So send him a email, addressed to both of them. Keep it brief, but not dismissively so. Do not go into details and don't expect a response. You might also want to say as much to your host as it was their party you (may have) ruined.
You behaved very badly and it's quite right that you should feel bad. This is not the worst thing that could have happened though. Use this as your inspiration to moderate your future alcohol consumption.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Try not to let it get to you so much. I know it's embarrassing but everyone makes mistakes. It's amazing how alcohol can make us do some pretty ridiculous things, isn't it?
Perhaps you should send him a quick message on Fb telling him that you behaved very inappropriately due to the alcohol and that you don't have any feelings for him anymore. That you're very sorry to his lovely girlfriend for being disrespectful to her. That should be enough.
I would think people would have more important things to worry about than talking about gossip all day every day. Even if they are talking about it - it'll be over in a day or two and no one will remember.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (15 June 2014):
Everyone messes up sometime. Just apologise, it will make you feel better. Then ration how many drinks you can manage without becoming a pain! Drink water between drinks. I know that you are horrified at your behaviour, they need to know too. Once you have done that put it behind you. It will soon be old news. Joke about it, if it ever comes up. Learn the lesson but don't spend too long going over it.
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