A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So me and my girlfriend have been dating for three and a half years and renting a flat together for a year. We have a good relationship, are very much in love and plan our future together.There is, however, one issue that drives me insane. Her parents don't speak English. Or more, they speak very, very little English. Her Dad has never spoken any English to me in the (almost) four years I have known them other than 'hello' or brief phrases. They have lived and worked in England for twelve years now and I just feel this is a bit pathetic. I am learning Polish but I really feel like we should be speaking some English together in my country.Am I inconsiderate? Are they being unreasonable? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): I can understand where you're coming from. It can be frustrating when they don't seem to make an effort to learn English after living in the country for so long. But also, they might have a hard time learning English or are so connected to the past and Poland that they're unable to put their all into learning it. So no, I don't think you're being inconsiderate, nor are they being unreasonable. You have your reasons and I'm sure they have theirs. It might be best to let them do what they want to do and just stay out of it - it's not worth it in the long run. But if you feel like it's really affecting your relationship with your girlfriend, find a way to talk to them about it or change it somehow, possibly through your girlfriend?
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (13 May 2017):
 I live in a very multicultural city where many different languages can be overheard on a street corner, the bus, the grocery store, etc. It has become the norm really. It is a plus to become multi-linguistic here. If I travel to a city in Quebec, their attitude pretty much matches yours. If you don't speak French they don't respect you. I find that attitude inconsiderate, unwelcoming and close-minded. In attempting to be closed off to the rest of the world, and not accept integration by learning about and being open to other cultures and languages, you eventually will face extinction. You say that your gf's parents are not integrating well. Perhaps it is you that is not integrating well with the fact that we live in a multi-cultural world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2017): I asked the question. Thanks for all your advice. I have talked to her about it over and over but she says that learning more English is never going to happen. They are not bad people and make lots of effort in terms of making me food, buying me gifts etc but to me, making the effort with the language would mean so much more than this. Of course I am learning Polish too, but come on... her parents live and work in my country, of course it's going to hurt when I see them not integrating or making much effort. When I visited their country last summer I put my all into speaking Polish. I should point out that my girlfriend's English is so immaculate that I didn't realise she wasn't British born until the third date. She has integrated beautifully. So yeah, they are not malicious people but the sloppiness does affect me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): I think it is very inconsiderate and pathetic them not learning any English as they have been living in England for over a decade.I don't think they are doing it to hurt you personally, it just sounds like they are very lazy and not prepared to put in any effort with you. It seems like they couldn't care less about their daughter's future and what you're like as a person. It's sad for them really and unfortunately they probably won't be able to communicate with their future grand kids one day too.My Dad's parents are originally from Europe and when Mum and Dad started dating, both of Dad's parents went to night classes for a year to learn English so that they could speak to Mum as well as say a speech at their wedding.Have you considered asking your girlfriend to ask her parents if they would consider learning English? I think if she explained to them that you really want to get to know them (by learning Polish) and for them to learn English it would be a great thing. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): It's never "too late" to learn a language, but older people do face obstacle. They're not inherently inept at learning a language, but it could be that they are embarrassed because they feel like they have a poor grasp of the language. Furthermore, older people have kids and jobs and all these other obligations can be taxing on your time. They work hard and raised a responsible daughter... it's probably hard for them not to know the language of the country and they're not refusing to learn. It's just hard. Maybe you could teach them some English and they could teach you some Polish?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2017): Well I guess you could expect someone to learn to speak English, but perhaps there's a passive aggressive reason that they're choosing not to, maybe you they don't like you. Or maybe they just aren't feeling comfortable with speaking English with you. There could be a lot of reasons for it. What does your girlfriend say? She's the one who knows her parents best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 May 2017):
 If you went to live in a country where English was not the native tongue, would you automatically learn the language (except for what you needed to survive)?
Polish people are usually very welcoming and hospitable. Get your girlfriend to translate if you want to talk with them. Surely she will not mind doing that?
Do they make you feel welcome when you see them? If so, then I think you should try to forgive their lack of knowledge of the English language (people tend to gravitate towards people who speak their language, so they don't actually have that much need to learn the language of the country they are in). Learn Polish vocabulary which will endear you to them, like please, thank you, how are you, that's delicious and I love your daughter very much (I am sure your girlfriend can soon teach you these things) then use them when you see her parents. Perhaps it will spur them into learning a few English phrases to reciprocate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 Not much you CAN do.
They aren't "refusing" to learn English to bother you or upset YOU (personally). They might SPEAK more English than you know but are too embarrassed to speak it in front of you lest they speak poorly - they don't want that reflected on their daughter.
If they have worked and lived in the UK for 12 years they obviously have enough of a vocabulary to get by.
Are you being inconsiderate? I don't think so unless you CONSTANTLY bring it up to her or her family/friends.
Accept that they have CHOSEN to not speak much English and that is that. Being annoyed by their lack of skills is pointless.
Maybe by YOU learning Polish, you SHOW them that it IS possible to learn a new language.
Focus on your and your GF and YOUR future, don't sweat the little things.
I know from experience how strange it seems when people move to a different country and culture but they "seem to refuse" to adapt and fit in, but rather LIVe like they are still in the old country. I don't get it at all. That is, however, THEIR choice. Their life, their choice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 Older people have a hard time learning a new language. And if they have no need to learn it, they have functional lives without it, then even more reason to not have learned it. Stop letting it bother you, I dont see why it should be an issue. You are dating their daughter, not them.
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