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anonymous
writes: hi, i'm presently 23 and my boyfriend is 17 years older.when we first met i considered him to be for the most 28,at once something just clicked.after getting to know each other and spending time together he told me that he was 39.i couldnt believe it cause he looked so much younger as i said the most 28.it didnt bother me because there was just something about him.we got closer,shared some good times together doing things that we both liked like walks in the park and so on,and we realized that we love each other.i've never been happier in my life.when i see him i just want to cuddle with him for ever,and just stay right there in his arms where i feel happy and safe.recently he made love to me and i just started crying uncontrollably becuase everything just felt so good,and i felt that this is where i wanted to be...and he held and comforted me. the problem is that he recently told me that he thinks its best that we go our seperate ways because since our age group is different,he feels that i may start feeling that this isnt what i want once i meet his friends who are managers,ministers of tourism,and other executive positions.and he also have a 16 year old daughter who he says looks even older than me and he just fears that they will all try to challenge me and that he just doesnt want me to end up getting hurt and being unhappy.i know what i feel for him and i feel it in my heart that he's so wrong.my question is should i give up and try to move on with my life and forget about him or should i hold on.i really love him and i hurt everyday being away from him,i just want to be with him and love him till the end of my time....he's a good person,he's proven it and its something i just feel in my heart.we've been together about 1 year and a half now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006): Dear Reader,My girlfriend wanted me to answer this problem; I have a similar background to your boyfriend:I'm in a relationship with a woman who is now 25 (who I share a home), I've been with her since she was 20, I'm now 47. I met her at the same university where I teach. She was a student, not one of my own, but it would not have made any difference if she had of been. I have a daughter (from a different relationship!), now aged 17 who lives with me. We are happy, but there have been difficulties, usually with "other people" who think they know "men" generally, or us as individuals enough to show public distaste or comment as a "friend" or a "colleague" might! The kind of pressure both of us faced were remarks such as how the relationship might effect my career, or how she was sleazy trying to up her grades (even though I was not her tutor?)! After a little nervousness, we laughed it all off! We just liked each other, choose to be public about it, walked about campus hand-in-hand. But, we did make a decision not to close doors to other friendships as well as give each other space. I was required to write and publish, she didn't give a damn if she got a third, (she got a 2:1). We lead, to some extent separate social lives, though we occasionally meet up in the same pub; she knows where she can find me, and usually when she does its because she's got bored of her own friends, and wants to ridicule the pomposity of "the faculty" in their local, which she does mercylessly. She tells them too their face that they are wankers, and despite this "the wankers" are usually disapointed when she doesn't turn up with me at the faculty parties! We love each other, she's my daughters best pal at the moment (who just goes along with the party), we don't care what anyone else says or thinks and when they do give a hint of being judgemental we rise to it, and challenge it. My partners training in youth work at the moment, and this just creates a litle more "space" but also an "area of interested participation", (i.e. we've always got something to talk about). What I'm saying is there is something that attracts us to each other outside of the bedroom (though that is very important), we have a life apart, we have always been public about our relationship, we've "enjoyed" the scandle of it, but, ridiculed anyone who would suggest that it had anything to do with anyone else apart from ourselves. - What I'm saying to you is that any relationship will work, regardless of age differences, but when a partner becomes boring in the others eyes, i.e. you are the "little-woman" at home. PLUS the main issue (perhaps!)- And I think Dazzerg's reading is correct "he's" got hang-ups and wants to hide you away from his important friends. There is no future, here. - My experience of teaching in higher education, is that most people are intelligent, most people have some experience of life, and most people can say something worthy of being listened to. - I'm really sorry things haven't worked out. But if its possible to patch them up, you won't get far without getting a life away from him (to some extent), and develop as a separate being, if he doesn't think that you are someone who he can acknowledge as his partner in front of the minister of tourism, or his VIP friends, then "he's" pretty much nothing. - As much as it's difficult to feel at the moment, you've got to find someone else (or be on your own for a while or just find some friends) learn from the experience, its not his age or your age, its his hang-ups, and like and perhaps; you not wanting to be your own self. - Have you thought of yourself as being in an oppressive relationship? - As with Dazzerg, (though Dazzerg, said it much more carefully) I suspect, he's hedging something else, which might be more devestating I'm afraid. My partner gave me 7 out of 10 for this, and called me a (blunt ******), but sends her cuddles, nevertheless (as do I). Hope you've got some friends to fall back on, some might be insensitive and remained you what their advice was, but everyone says wanky thing now and again, forgive them because they are human, not all men are bastards (but all have their moments), and you need friends, as many as you have and some more.Thank you Dazzerg for being much more sensitive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): Isn't what you want? How dare he assume that. I do not like the way he's treating you here. But don’t under-estimate the issues that can come from an age gap like yours. It’s a very rare couple that can handle it at the best of times. But I am sorry this has happened to you because I think he's he's making an unfair judgement on how you will handle yourself with his friends, his work colleagues, his daughter, etc. I really think, he's not prepared to have you go that indepth, into his life. Don't be offended, but it could be he's does not find you quite mature enough and compatible in what he really wants in a love interest. I find it also interesting that he made love to you and this happened soon after. You need to talk to him and find out why, I find his excuses lame and very weak. When a man absolutely adores a woman...he wants to show her off to the world-he wants her in his world, This guy is hedging. I don't think his feelings are that sincere.
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (11 January 2006):
 Gonna double post on this again lol. Sorry i am shocking. Basically you have to make him see its wrong without forcing him through guilt or anything else. I know its hard but try and keep a clear head and box cleaver.Iam not saying this will work but even if it doesnt you tried and that might give you some closure. I am rooting for you.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (11 January 2006):
I know, my gf tried to push me away recently because of her psychotic ex. She was trying to protect me and obviously no matter what she said it came across as rejection. Be persistant, this might mean you walk the tightrope between aggrivating him and and getting his attention but being blunt if you aren't you have lost him anyways. I think you will know instinctively where to draw the line with him, trust those instincts and push firmly but not too hard.Say things you have thought about it long and hard, the risks involved etc and you are still up for it.
Explain how you feel and say that you cannot possibly feel this is in your best interests. Do and say things that remind him what he is losing. Dont directly question his judgment but be firm you have made your own. If a discussion starts to become heated move off the topic onto something cooler. Dont let it develop into friction. Move off the topic and come back to it another day or another time. Dont expect to turn things round in one go. Work at it hard and persistently. It's a campaign not a sigular battle. Say to yourself that you will overcome all this doubt and fear and let that give you hope.
Hope that all helps. I wish i could say more than this vauge statements. Let me know how it goes please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you.....how do u suppose i can go about doing that?i've proven in so many ways to him how much i care and how i feel about him,i just feel in my heart that he's wrong about this....right now i just feel lost,hurt,and confused.thanx in advance
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (11 January 2006):
Anno this is a bit cheeky but i re-read your post and thought it worth stressing that this is really about his insecurities as well as a desire to protect you. You have to deal with both things.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (11 January 2006):
Well you are 23 and the descision on whether you want to face those challenges is ultimately yours not his. Obviously his intentions are good but as they say, the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. You are aware of the challenges you will face and you seem determined to meet them. He seems a little insecure in himself too.
I think that this one is tricky because neither party is doing anything wrong or at fault. I would say you should go for it. If it then doesn't work then at least you will have closure on having giving it your best shot. You seem deeply in love with this person and I wonder if you will regret it if you don't. You need to prove to him you can meet the challenges and persuade him that it is your choice to make.
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