A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please could I ask for some advice on my situation...I have been married for 3 years but for the last year the marriage has been very difficult and we both feel that we have grown too far apart to fix things, although haven’t yet said we will divorce.I completely unexpectedly met a man 2 months ago and now all I want is to be with him. I am hesitant to call him my soulmate as this conjures up fantasy but I was instantly connected to him and have never felt so relaxed and open to be myself and have the confidence to do anything. I am certain that I want to be with him but there is another difficulty......he is in a long term relationship due to marry in 2018. He says that he feels more strongly to be with me than his fiancée (he still loves his fiancée, he is very open about that) but he doesn’t know how he can leave her (she was engaged to another man previously who left her before the wedding day). He is worried that leaving her will break her and he doesn’t want to be the cause of that. We both feel very strongly for each other and if there were no obstacles we would already be together. I am not a naive person nor someone who enters into things lightly but neither me nor he knows what to do. Advice would be greatly appreciated!
View related questions:
confidence, divorce, engaged, fiance, soulmate, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2017):
 Sit with your husband and decide as a couple where you are both going to go from here. If you have fell out off love it is sad but the thing with marriages is you need to work at them and fight for them. But I think you have already gave up because off this new bloke.
As for him well I can't bare to think off the pain this will cause his fiance being jilted not once but twice I don't think I would ever be able to get over that and trust another man again, and I hope you realize the damage you are doing to her by going after a man that is already spoken for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017): If you want to enjoy just sex (no strings/no expectations/no commitment) from him, keep at it.But know that is all it will ever be as long as you are both willing.It can and will end at any time. The anxiety has not yet outweighed the fantasy just yet. But it will. You are going to come to realize that this guy is no Prince Charming. He isn't even a good guy. He is taking advantage of a vulnerable, affection starved married woman who has offered herself up on a plate. Sorry, but most men would jump at the opportunity. It does not make you special. Just easy. And available. And this guy who pretends to be your hero? Your saviour from a bad marriage? He's the devil in disguise. Disguised as everything you ever wanted in a man. He knows how to play you, fool you and manipulate you to get sex. That is all he wants. Next to your husband, who has dropped the ball, he is going to appear pretty damned perfect! It's so easy to sweep in at the 11th hour and be the hero. When in fact he's no hero at all. He's faking it to keep you sweet. You don't see that now because you're swept up in the feelings of joy and euphoria. This guy is the answer to your prayers is what you TELL yourself. Your brain is addicted to the chemicals of elation/pleasure just like a heroin addict would be. That is why they call affairs an addiction. They aren't good for you but it's hard to face the reality of going back to zero once you've reached nirvana. That is why people keep going even though they do one day reach a point of it being far too painful emotionally. Some people push through that pain for those hits of elation. Others end it. Some never let it reach that point and exit the affair while still on a high note.You are better off getting out now. Or talk to your husband. Be honest. If you feel your marriage is salvageable, then work at it. Marriage is hard work! But that's the commitment you made to him on your wedding day. Another man is just a mirage. A fleeting fantasy that you think will solve all your problems. He is not the answer. All he is, is an escape. A diversion. He is in your path temporary. You are placing a band aid on a broken leg. This is not going to fix anything.Even if this guy decided to leave his fiancée to be with you, do you think you won a prize? You will forever be dealing with the repercussions of stealing a man from another woman. A man who was easily stolen! Losing sleep over whether or not another woman will steal him away from you once he gets bored of YOU!! This is the kind of man you will have. The grass is greener type. If he wasn't sure about his choice of wife to be, he should have left her. He is obviously a cake eater. She's perfect on paper. She is wifey material. But she doesn't provide kicks and thrills. It's so early in the game, and even before he's put a ring on her finger, he's already fucking around on her. Is this the kind of a man you think is special? Better than your husband? Sweetheart, you are in for a very rude awakening once the fairy dust settles and reality bites you in the ass.This man is a snake. Sleep with the King Cobra and you must always keep one eye open. You can't tame him. One day he is going to resort to his primal ways and you will suffer unbearable pain. Ask me how I know?I am the mistress of a married man. This relationship has destroyed me from the inside out. I, too, was hooked on the fantasy and the man he pretended to be.But now years later, in the cold light of day, my Prince Charming has become a narcissistic, selfish, lying cheat with no heart.Don't let it go that far.I wish I didn't.Get out now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (8 December 2017):
Get a divorce before you jump into bed with another man. After you are divorced make sure the other guy is free of entanglements before jumping into bed with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2017):
 I absolutely agree with the uncles and aunts that say - FIX your own stuff before jumping head first into something new.
You ARE using this new guy as a distraction from YOUR reality. YOUR bad marriage and YOUR meeh life.
Either fix your marriage or start the divorce. You are in NO state to determine if this new guy is your "soul mate" or the one you think you should be with.
What you are having with this new guy is NOT a loving relationship. It's lust, infatuation, and fantasy. You think that this guy is the answer to your prayers the guy who will "rescue" you from your meeh marriage and life. HE IS NOT. He is the guy you are cheating with.
You are using the whole "soul-mate" as an excuse to be cheating. To make the cheating OK. It's still cheating. You are so far into your fantasy and denial that you don't see the reality anymore. You see what YOU want to see. A guy who will give you the "Happily ever after" you didn't get with your husband.
If he felt the same way he wouldn't stay engaged with the woman he is about to marry. He wouldn't be telling you that he loves HER.
YOU need to take the time to work on WHY your marriage failed and WHY you chose to cheat instead of being single first. I'm sorry... not being happy in your marriage doesn't GIVE you a free pass to cheat.
You will NOT have a healthy relationship if you can not take responsibility for your own actions and think of the overall picture.
You don't seem to give a single F about how your husband might get hurt over this or the fiance... I guess it doesn't matter because YOU are getting (so far) the fantasy YOU want.
Let me give you some REAL facts:
-----------------
A fact about extramarital affair and divorce is that the divorced spouse rarely marries the paramour who caused the marriage breakup and even when he/she does, the resulting marriage is far from a happy one.
Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed by Halper eventually married their lovers. Another study carried out by Frank Pittman found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was as high as 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include the intervention of reality, guilt at breaking up a marriage, unrealistic expectations from the new marriage, a general distrust of marriage and a distrust of the new spouse.
Quoted from :
http://www.futurescopes.com/romance/affairs-and-infidelity/3938/marriages-end-divorce-after-affair-statistics
Even if he LEAVES his fiance and you finally divorce your husband the likelihood of it working out... is against you.
DIVORCE your husband. TAKE time to work on WHY the marriage didn't work (and blaming your husband is not the answer here). Find and work yourself. Take AT LEAST a year to be single and get your head on straight.
Right now you are SO hooked on the fantasy of this guy that you are ignoring reality. In that process, you are hurting a lot of people around you.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 December 2017):
 You ever notice how all of a sudden a man or woman shows up when your marriage is at it's worst???
When you were first get married and in love...not one comes by. But as soon as things gets rough...oh look...Mr. Right.
WRONG!!!!
Every marriage MUST and WILL be tested. The vow you spoke...This is where Life decides to test your truth behind your words. A marriage can only last if you mean what you say.
Many will tell you to leave your husband...go see what life has to offer you. What you don`t see, is that life has already offered you a husband. But when things are not the way you like them to be...run...find the easy way out.
No relationship is ever broken up by just one person. It takes two people to screw it up. A husband not being husband, or wife not being a wife. Then both reacting the sudden changes in the relationship.
In fact there should be no such thing as husband and wife in your home. You should be lovers to each other. When you introduce him to someone else, then yes, this is my husband.
You did not get married because you were husband and wife. You got married because you were in love, and lovers to each other, and wanted that for the rest of your lives.
So the question is...What have you done or not done to cause things to change in your marriage? Yes you!! If the first thing comes to mind that it is all your husband's fault, then most likely you are the most to blame.
First thing you do is to see where you could change to make things better. First change you. You cannot change your husband unless you first change yourself.
Even if you left your husband for an other man, but you did not change yourself from your first marriage...guess what is going to happen...AGAIN??
Sure your husband has his faults. But make you have worked on yours, before you go making him fix his.
Don't try to fix his issues when you are full of yours.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 December 2017):
 Either divorce your husband or work on things, why stay with someone you don't love?
In all honesty if this guy was going to leave his fiancé I think he would of done it by now. You're barking up the wrong tree here. Also, for one second don't think of your own feelings here, think of this other innocent woman in all this who is over the moon to be getting married after once being left in the lurch. Could you honestly be the cause of breaking all that up? Would you be happy with yourself?
There's over 3 billion other men on this planet, don't you think you can find one that's single? I think the very fact that this guys engaged and being tempted to stray says a lot about his character. Going down this path will be a complete train wreck.
Think about what you're entertaining.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 December 2017):
 For a start off, I think you need to sort out your marriage. Either you choose to stay together, or you split up and divorce. If you are both sure the marriage has run its course, then you need to end it quickly and cleanly and free yourselves to meet new partners.
Regarding this other man, I know you feel deeply for him but HE IS NOT FREE and that is HIS choice. Put yourself in his fiancee's shoes. We presume she loves him every bit as much as you do and he has committed to marry her. Just because he has met someone else who he feels a deep connection with does not absolve him from his commitment to her. She has already been let down by a previous fiance. Imagine how she will feel if this happens again. What would you do if he committed to marry YOU then met someone ELSE who he had a deep connection with?
This man's responsibility lies to his fiancee. If he cannot commit to her whole heartedly, then he needs to end things with her before making other commitments. I feel sure his love for his fiancee was (and possibly is) every bit as sincere as his love for you. If you do get together, how secure will you feel with him, knowing what he did in the past? His feelings do not excuse his lack of morals. We cannot help our feelings but we CAN control how we act. This man is basically a cheat, regardless of how much you love him. He could have made better choices in his situation. The honourable thing would have been to stay away from you, given his commitment to his fiancee. He did not have to act on his feelings for you. The other way would have been to end things with his fiancee if he felt he wanted to be with you. He has chosen to have his cake and eat it.
Just remember, if he does it once, he can do it again. You may love this man but his morals sound very questionable. Leopards and spots come to mind. Tread carefully.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 December 2017):
 If you're unhappily married, you need to divorce, but don't go after men who aren't single. Let the engaged guy go - it's cruel to his fiancée and not helpful for you. He's stringing you along. This isn't love. On your side, it's infatuation with an escape and his is just having a mistress.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): Please don't do it just let him be with her...I am sorry but two months... that's not enough time with one person... then if you do go for this guy then what you know its wrong....he's with someone else and so are you...If he'll leave her he will leave you too....just think about it cut it and reconnect with the man your married to you fell for your husband once do it again....and if you and this guy did work out he may end up leaving you in 5 years because he felt deeply connected with someone else...so just be careful treat people the way you want to be treated love..Best of luck
...............................
|
