A
female
age
36-40,
*ovesickk
writes:Hello everyone,I have a long story but I'll try to make it short... I'm practically a newlywed with only 7 years of marriage (religious by the way); we were bf and gf for 8 years. Of those 8 years, he spent 6 on another country, first doing a MBA, then working for an important company. We had many ups and downs, but kept on the relationship ( I always came back). I even broke the engagement 2 years before our actual wedding day. Why? because I frequently feel taken for granted, not high on his priority list, and also he's a controlling person to whom I have to say wherever I go, or whomever I'm with. Big problems if Im out with guys in the group.Nevertheless, I kept on going, didn't listen to my cold feets (and advices from family) and made a dream in my head that he was changed ( he changes for brief amounts of time when i confront him with my feelings ).Ok, now after the wedding, even on the honeymoon I felt happy, but there was something I felt that told me I may have made a wrong decision. Constantly he puts me down, by not cheering me up or supporting me in front of others, or even alone.Oh, by the way, still with 7 months of marriage, we have not live the married life because he's in the other country and I'm here waiting for the residency so I can fly up there and move!To make things worse, since january I started talking to a co-worker, i have get to know him better. The point is we like each other, and finally I saw someone with the qualities I were always looking in a man, but guess I was a chicken to have settled for less with my husband. He was afraid to talk to me when I was not married yet, because he thought I was happy with my boyfriend, but he always felt like I was special to him. Now, the problem aggravates: he's also married. Our feelings for each other have been growing, and he's willing to leave his wife for me. But I'm pretty scared to get a divorce, firstly because of the cheating reason (i was married in my church), and secondly because I dont even have a year of marriage and we don't live together yet, so we havent had the chance to discover the flaws in the marriage.Well, in the future I don't picture myself with my controlling husband :( I could stay and stand up with everything like I've done so far. I think I was accustomed to him... Or I could get out, as hard as it sounds and be smashed in my hometown with all the critics, to try to be finally happy with this guy.Im very confused, and I already cheated with a kiss. Please, your advice is very welcome in my life right now. I can't talk to anyone :(
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co-worker, divorce, puts me down, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lovesickk +, writes (9 March 2010):
lovesickk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, bitterblue! Your answers really comforted me... I'll try to take one step at a time, and see how I can slowly work things out.
I agree with you, that the marriage should not be ended because of an affair, but for the faults we dragged into it... I still don't have the opportunity to see them, because we are in a LDR... So, I'll just wait and see how it goes.
Hugs, thanks for taking the time and give me your honest advice. I really appreciate that :)
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 I can't make the decision for you but I can tell you this. Rule number one. You say it's tearing you apart to break your marriage - for all you know, the coworker could feel the same and back up last moment. The point is, if you are going to break the marriage, do it because you are certain it isn't for you, that it can't make you happy and you don't wish to try. Do not involve the coworker in your decision. Rule number 2. Don't have sex with the coworker, it will complicate things even more at this point.I would wonder why exactly his marriage isn't so good.Also, don't tell hubby you cheated on him, he doesn't need to know. If he is already controlling this will give him the chance to say he was right to be so and so because you cheated and so on. Hence don't do this to him. You can come up with other reasons.It's normal to be a little depressed as long as you aren't happy with your current situation so I hope you make the right decision for you and slowly manage to own your life and make the necessary adjustments to reach a point where you are happier and more content. All the best.
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A
female
reader, lovesickk +, writes (7 March 2010):
lovesickk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer, bitterblue!
How do you know the coworker isn't only looking for an affair? They all say they are going to leave their wives. You know nothing about him other than the side he wants to show you. You probably wouldn't have noticed him, had your marriage been working marvellous.
You're right that I really don't know him well yet, and concerning the affair, i don't think its quite like that because I'll have to explain you that he's leaving next May to another country because his wife got a better job, and (before meeting me) they decided to move... Well, the thing is he's telling me that he does not want to go now, and he wants to stay with me because he feels I'm THE one for him and he feels really guilty because he didn't have the courage to speak to me while I was single. So, that suggestion also implies that I should also break my marriage to be with him... this thing is tearing me apart, my husband smells I'm different, though he's not here with me,and I would really want to tell him the truth because I cheated but I'm not a liar; if I cheated is because I feel this could be better than what I have right now, and I didnt want to wander (after May) the "What If" I had given this guy a chance and get to know him?
Still, I don't feel ready to make that decision. I tried to stuck under the rug all the faults in our relationship, thinking that with the love we could solve them out. But, first, as you said, he's a career-person, and I'm not, I'm very homey. Secondly, this is not the first time that I would decide to battle the problems to get a solution together, we've been through this more than 4 times, always back to the same point.... I'm really sorry and guilty that I rushed into this, and the wedding preparation just blinded me with fake emotions to think that everything was solved now and we could face a future together.
We could, but I will be the one always to be sacrificed, and pretend everything's ok...
what a mess my life is... no wonder I feel depressed most of the time...
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (6 March 2010):
How do you know the coworker isn't only looking for an affair? They all say they are going to leave their wives. You know nothing about him other than the side he wants to show you. You probably wouldn't have noticed him, had your marriage been working marvellous.As for the marriage, this seems to have been very rushed and your relations when you wedded, pretty unsteady. From what you describe him he seems a career-person, his career is pretty much his focus, and you'll always be second, can you come to terms with that? Some couples manage well despite of the little time they can spend together and some don't. Usually, they are both career-oriented or both have busy schedules, not only one while the other sits at home staring at blank walls.For the most part, your relationship has been a LDR as he was working in another country. I can hardly imagine you even know each other that well. Maybe the fact he is unable to spend enough time with you makes him controlling and insecure, but these traits are rarely easy to change and require certain approaches. Many times a controlling person isn't very skilled when it comes to compliments - if you feel good about yourself you are likely to show confidence and attract unwanted attention, see, it's all related.You got yourself into a complicated business, sorry to say. Instead of choosing a more smooth and compatible relationship, you chose one that needs to be fixed. Now, to go about fixing it... if you think you have the energy and resources, as well the genuine desire to make it work BOTH as a team, then you can travel to meet him and live the married life and face your problems. From this point on, anything is possible. You married someone you don't know well and whom you don't know is a compatible life companion. There will be problems concerning his spending much time at work, adapting to each other as spouses, working out your differences and conflicts, adapting to life in a new country, finding a proper job and a dozen more. You have to know very well what you have gotten yourself into if you plan on fixing it... I have seen happy endings and the other kind. As I said, anything is possible. If you really can't picture a future together at all though and don't wish to give it a try, it's even simpler. Who stays married just to placate the neighbourhood?
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