A
female
age
36-40,
*orbymartin10
writes:My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage but he recently started using the fact that I don't have a job to not to get engaged or even move in I understand his worry about money but it seems money is more important than our relationship. At times it doesn't help that members of his family feed this fear. Should I get out before my heart won't be able to take anymore or does he have a point? Should I try to get over it?I feel myself constantly shifting my views /actions to make him happy, but he refuses to do simple changes for me. Again some family members accept and encourage this attitude Am I over reacting and shut up or stand up for myself
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 June 2012):
One of the single biggest reasons for marital stress is finances. Sounds like he is being very reasonable and rational here.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2012):
 he said he wants to put off moving in together or getting engaged till you have a good job and you ask if you should get out?
what about finding a job?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I think he is being smart. Starting out a new life together as husband and wife WHILE having a financial safety net can make life a LOT easier.
You are only 22-25 so you should either be in college or have found some kind of career path.
Hoe can you even afford anything if you do not work? Food, clothes, phone, gas, insurance?
Don't you want something for yourself out of life? Goals, dreams, travel? None of those are free.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): I think that what would make him happy is for you to compromise and start working. You don't say why you're not, whether it's because you don't want to or can't find a job. I was with a guy for 2 years (more fool me!) who would not shift his mindset: he would not look for a job that was 'beneath him' but did nothing about bettering himself or looking for a decent job. It was not acceptable to me at all. The relationship broke down partly because of it. It wasn't just about money either. It was the frustration of getting home from work exhausted and seeing him there sitting in his backside, where he'd been all day. I'm not saying that's what's going on with you, but that's my experience so I can really empathise with your boyfriend.
It's right for both of you to want to resolve this before taking things further. Sit down and talk about the employment issue rather than try to acquiesce on other issues.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 He has an excellent point. Easy for you to say " all that counts is love " - YOU are the unemployed one who is not bringing income home. Unless he already is so filthy rich that being the sole provider for an undetermined period of time is really a non issue - otherwise he may simply not be able to afford it. I know what you are going to say : oh but he can afford it, we 'd just need to scrimp on this and save on that etc. Yes, but why should he, if there is no rush at all ? You are only 22-25 : YOUNG, and getting married or living together is not mandatory, it's an OPTION that people should choose ( and generally does it ) when it also makes financial sense, not just emotional. Otherwise- why just not encouranging all teens to go live together, counting on their weekly allowance and xmas presents and leftover food from their parents' table ?!
It would be different of course if you'd lose your job - after you've got one, or if in agreement with your partner you decide to stay home minding the children. Then, I think any normal partner would support you in full and tighten their belt without batting a lid.
But having to do that BEFORE is necessary , for the sake of playing house, does not sound like a great idea to me, and obviously to your bf neither .
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A
male
reader, The sleaze doctor  +, writes (19 June 2012):
Moving in together is expensive for people your age, a wedding is also expensive, he can't be expected to pay for everything, you should show more commitment, if you want these things then work for them yourself and prove you are worth the commitment from him, from what you have written im not surprised he's having second thoughts
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