A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been best friends since middle school. I am 17 and about to start my senior year of high school. We want a baby but I have to go to college. What do I do?!?!?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): I think you're missing the point OP. Everyone is so focused on the financial aspects of raising a child, the simple fact is you don't have to rich and even if you were rich being a mother is a 24/7 job unless you're going to be one of those mothers who passes off the raising of your child to other people. There is no escape from that and you will be a single mother too. 2% of teen relationships last OP, this perfect guy who would be the perfect father to your child and this beautiful plan you have is not based on intelligent analysis OP, it's not. Because an intelligent person will ensure they have lived before they give up their life because a child is the end of your independence, the end of your youth. You're talking about doing nothing in your life but study work and raise your kid. No travelling, no freedom, not going out and living on your own in the world and seeing what it has to offer. You simply won't have the money to do any of that.
I have a good few young single mother friends, which is basically what you're planning to be, and the one thing every single one of them will tell you is that they wish they were smarter and waited. Sure they have a beautiful child that they love and wouldn't give up but they're trapped where they are now for good. They can't leave the city with their kid and move somewhere because the fathers have to have access too and without their consent they can't leave and go anywhere. I had one single mother friend a good bit older than you in college and she found it very tough. She had constant guilt that in the most important formative years of her childs life 1-5, she was away most of the time at college and only saw her child in the evenings, basically her child was being raised by her parents. I constantly had to remind her that she had no choice that she had to do it for the sake of her child, but she couldn't win because when she was at home with her kid she felt guilty for not doing college work. To top all that off the career path she has chosen mean all the good, high paying jobs are in other cities and countries too far to commute but she can't leave the city because of her child's father, even if she could the childcare expenses would be too great and not having her family around as support would make it too tough. She has to wait another 10 years before she can go anywhere, when her kid is a teenager and more able to cope with such a move.
She had to get up at 6 in the morning every morning except the two the father took her. Every morning without fail, no lie in, no nothing and seeing as the father took the kid during the week and she had college and/or work to go she has had about 3 lie ins in the past three years. That wears you down, add to that the first year of having to get up in the middle of the night to feed etc. and she is a walking zombie most of the time and those are the good days.
Sure you may know all these things, you may know that babies and toddlers are a lot of work but make no mistake, every mother will tell you, nothing at all prepares you for how hard it actually is and how much it fucks up your well being and general happiness.
Add to that you're talking about ruining your not fully formed body. Massive stretchmarks all over your belly, weight gain that never truly goes away again in most cases, post natal depression and the risk of complications is very high in teenagers.
You're basically talking about going from a young teenager in love, to being a full time mom living your life from someone else, with a ruined body, a relationship that didn't survive and trying to work your way through college with no sleep ever, and with the constant guilt that your child should be with it's mother right now. You won't be able to party that often, you'll barely see your friends, you won't be able to have the whole college experience and you'll miss out all because you were impatient.
It's not about the money, you can get by and still be a good mom, it's not about you being young and that making you a bad mother, you'll probably be a great mom. It's about always feeling embarrassed when in public with your kid because of the stares and judgement, it's about finding it exceptionally tough to find a guy who can handle being in a relationship with a single mother, it's about being labelled an irresponsible slut (unfortunately) and looked down upon by society in general, it's about looking in the mirror and seeing a tired looking girl with a post pregnancy body, it's about having no money to buy nice things for yourself, it's about never having had the opportunity to see what it's like to live as an independent adult, it's about living in constant fear and anguish that every mother has that something bad may happen, it's about about living a life that is mainly based on fear and guilt with a few photographic moments in between. It's not fun staying up all night with a sick child, it's not fun rushing to get ready in the morning and your kid is throwing a tantrum, it's not fun to have to set up the laundry and change nappies in the morning, it's not fun getting up 3 am to feed the child only to have to get at 7 again to start your day, it's not fun to see everyone around you, all the facebook updates of people doing random fun things at the spur of the moment or travelling Europe, or living in Asia teaching English, or just spending a whole weekend skiing or partying and knowing that's stuff you can never do without a lot of preparation and missing your child and most of all it's not nice to know you will quite simply never get a break from that.
You need to go talk to some young single mothers OP, ask the people who have done what you're proposing what they think you should do and if after all that you still feel you can handle it then that decision is yours. It's definitely not all bad, not at all, but you really have no idea what you're proposing at all.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 You'll need to pay for child care while you are commuting to and from school, in school, and if you need to study and can't have distractions. Expecting someone to look after your baby for free isn't a viable child care strategy--this means you can't expect your mom or other relative to do it for you.
Babies and college dorms don't really go together. You will miss out on friendships and the full college experience. Yes, you can go back to college later but by then you'll be a different age than the other students. You will miss out on some really wonderful things. Waiting to have a baby isn't a hardship.
The response to our answers reinforces for me that this is fantasy thinking, not a real life plan. All you could say is that tuition is paid for. Books, computer, basics like food, clothing, rent, insurance, utilities, diapers, out of pocket medical expenses, how are you getting the money for all those things?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have 4 years of college paid for so tuition is outta that cost.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 June 2012):
Adding on to what others have said below, before you have a child is to first make sure you have about $240,000 in the bank, because thats how much it costs to raise a child to 18 years of age.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 June 2012):
 First thing you should do is to make sure you don't live in North Carolina. Then you should listen to the aunts and uncles. Thank you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2012):
Save up. I ran what you'd need to get the child through to 6 years, childcare and groceries and all the incidentals and you need $113,000. That would be on top of whatever expenses you may have, such as college tuition.
Unless you have at least half of that in the bank and well-paying job that can provide for the rest over next 3 years, I'd wait until you were in a financial position to actually provide for the child.
Of course, I'm basing that calculation on your getting a good job after college, because the lifetime cost of a raising a child is much much higher than that number I quoted.
If you want additional children, obviously you will need more cash.
Part of feeling love for someone is often the feeling you want to create something with them, and what more exciting and amazing thing than a baby? It's natural. But just because it feels natural doesn't make it a good idea in this case.
Maybe talk over your feelings with your parents, they raised kids and have some perspective on the situation.
Don't make a life-altering mistake and have a baby before you can really manage one on your own. It's kind of not fair to everyone in your family, you know.
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Finish college, get married, buy a house, buy a car.....then you can have a baby.
'Wanting a baby' and 'having a baby' are 2 very different things, and the reality of being parents is very very difficult. If you wait to have your child you will see that maturity is a massive help, having a good job with good money is going to be even better - so if you finish your education and get a decent job then you are going to be able to give your child a much better life than you can give it now.
In terms of health, here is why having a child under the age of 20 is a bad idea:
- Teenage mothers are less likely to gain adequate weight during their pregnancy, leading to low birthweight. Low birthweight is associated with several infant and childhood disorders and a higher rate of infant mortality (death). Low-birthweight babies are more likely to have organs that are not fully developed, which can result in complications, such as bleeding in the brain, respiratory distress syndrome, and intestinal problems.
- Pregnant teens have a higher risk of getting high blood pressure - called pregnancy-induced hypertension, than pregnant women in their 20s or 30s. They also have a higher risk of preeclampsia. This is a dangerous medical condition that combines high blood pressure with excess protein in the urine, swelling of a mother's hands and face, and organ damage.
Aside from putting your health at risk and your unborn child's health at risk, here are the other issues that you need to consider:
1. Do you own or rent a house big enough to have a child? I'm sure the answer here in your case is NO! You cant expect your mum and dad to help you out and let you live at home with your baby, they already have one child (you!), they dont want another! And you cant expect the government to bail you out either. To raise a child properly you need a nice home of your own so you can bring the child up in a happy, clean and comfortable environment that he or she can call home. Stuck in your bedroom in your parents house is not a good home for a child.
2. Do you have a good career with future prospects? Again, the answer is for you - NO!! You havent been through college, so where on earth do you think the money is going to come from to raise this child? You need a good job that pays well to raise a child, otherwise you wont be able to feed him/her properly, clothe them, buy toys, take them on days out, pay for doctors etc....you will be struggling for every dollar and wont be able to provide for your child. Good education = good job, good job = good money. Poor/little education = crappy job with no future, crappy job = no money and struggling for the rest of your life. Not fun!
3. Do you have a car? Bet the answer is NO again! How do you expect to get around with your child? Do you think your mum and dad are going to act as a taxi service for you and the baby? What if your mum and dad are out and you need to get to the doctors or the hospital if the baby is ill? Without a car you will be stuck at home, wont be able to take the baby for more than a walk around the block and if there is an emergency you will be stuck.
4. Do you have some savings ready to fork out the initial costs of having a child? Like buying all the things you need in preparation for a child? Have you thought about how much a child costs? It is estimated around $100,000 until the age of 18 - where are you going to get that kind of money from?
5. Do you have a supportive family network around you? As much as your mum and dad might help you, they might also disown you for getting pregnant at such a young age - what happens then? You cant rely on your parents to sort everything out for you and you can just sit there happy as larry holding the baby - unless you can provide for yourself then there is no way you can provide for a baby.
6. Are you ready to give up going out with friends, having any money to buy clothes/make-up etc for yourself? All for the baby? You will have no time or money for yourself so you need to be ready to give up a lot for this child.
Think about it this way - you want to give your child the best life you possibly can, but is this possible at your age? Or would you be able to provide more for your child, like educational toys, days out, more knowledge and wisdom, a better family environment, if you waited a few years?
The reason why most people wait until they are in their 20's to have kids is so they can finish their educations, get good jobs that pay well (children are SO expensive), and more importantly - so that you are wise enough and knoweldgeable enough to raise a child well. When the child comes to you asking for help with its homework, or wants to know some deep question about life, normally you need a good amount of life experience behind you to really give your child the knowledge and values it needs to set them up in life. And if you have not lived, and all you have done is quit school to have a child, you are not going to be able to give it the rounded, knowledgeable childhood it needs to turn the child into a well-rounded adult.
Think about if you are in a position to give the child the best life possible, or if you need to get your life sorted first. There is never any harm in waiting, if you have a child at 23/25 you will still be a young mum but at least you will be in a better place in life to handle having a child.
Having a baby now will not make your life better - it will only make it worse. You will have no money, no friends, and no future. The baby wont show its love for you for a few years - at first it is just a pooping, eating and sleeping machine that is only interested in the people that feed it. Love is not enough for a child - it needs the support of 2 adults (mum and dad) who are mentally and emotionally ready for a child and the hardship it brings. You cannot give the child all it needs on love alone, a baby needs so much more.
If you really want to be a mum, then surely you will want to be a good mum right? And aged 17, even aged 18 or 19 you CANNOT be a good mum. You cannot offer the child everything it needs, therefore you would be damaging the child. You can love it as much as you want - children need a heck of a lot more than just love alone.
What you are feeling is normal, a lot of teenagers have this issue (search dear cupid and you will see) - the reason you feel like this is because your hormones are running riot and telling you that you are ready for a baby. Once you have started your periods, your body thinks it is ready for a baby hence it releases lots of hormones that make you think about having babies. But this does not mean it is a good idea - quite the opposite!
You should not let hormones dictate your life, your brain is the sensible part here and you need to be sensible about this. You simply cannot give a child a good life, therefore wait until you are old enough when you can give a child a good life.
The key thing here is - if you cant provide for yourself (i.e. look after yourself totally independent from your parents) then you cannot provide for and care for a baby. Once you have moved out, got a job, a car, some savings.....etc then you can have baby. Until that day - you are not ready and you would only be hurting your child if you were silly enough to have a baby.
I really hope you dont do this, you will be ruining your life, hurting your parents, messing up your boyfriends life (who, by the way has no clue what he is getting himself into and I can promise you this - he will run once the baby is born, all teenage boys do, they cant handle the responsiblity once the child arrives. They all like the idea of a baby, but once it arrives it is a different story). And most importantly, you will be giving this child a bad start in life, when if you were grown up about this, you could easily wait until you are older and then give the baby a great start in life. If you have a child now you are just being selfish - you are not doing this for the right reasons.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Think about this logically for a moment OP, which is the better scenario?
1. You go to college, do some travelling around Europe and Asia in the summers, road trips around America, music festivals, start a career with good money and then settle down and have a child with financial security, a mother who has had a youth and made the most of the freedom she had before she settled down.
or
2. Have a child now, have no time nor money to go to college, work a crappy job and raise kid just to be able to afford to go to college and have no options in life but to stay where you are and raise a child, have no option to spend 3 or 4 months travelling around and seeing the world and have the next 18 years tied down to where you live now and never really having much money left over after you've taken care of your child looking back on your life having never actually done anything exciting and decided to become a mother instead.
Ask your mom or aunts, or any mother you know what they would do in your situation.
I'm not talking about you being too young, you're not, you'd probably make a great mother but is that all you want to do with your life, is that all you want to do in your youth because that's all you'll have.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Go to college first. You are still so young and have PLENTY of time for babies later on.
There really is no hurry for you to get pregnant.
With a good college education you will be able to take better care of your child, financially. You will be a better role-model and honestly, you will probably also be happier about yourself if you push yourself a little.
A woman, specially a mom should ALWAYS have something to fall back on. That goes for education and work.
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 You go to college, and you encourage your boyfriend to also go to college. Before you go to college you go and see your friendly doctor and get birth control.
You acknowledge the hormones that are raging through your body and suggesting you have a baby and you tell them "I am an adult, I don't have to respond to you".
You go to college and then you find employment for a few years, THEN you decide when you would like to have your baby.
The reason I advocate education and employment is because there is no guarantees in this life, you may find yourself as the sole breadwinner or even as a sole parent at some stage of your life and it would be much better for any babies you may have if you are capable of earning sufficient to give them what they need.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Go to college first, without question. Why not do some babysitting, either on your own or with your boyfriend - it might help keep those clucky feelings at bay and be a reminder that looking after a baby is hard work.
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