A
female
age
41-50,
*C212
writes:My boyfriend has a female friend he's known since university (he's now 29). She's very attractive (as he's said himself to me) and he used to fancy her a lot several years ago, when he was with his previous girlfriend. She liked him too, but then started going out with another guy, so nothing ever happened between them, but they have remained good friends.They don't meet up too often, but I am still uneasy about her. I've met her a few times, but she seems quite cold towards me and doesn't make any effort to get to know me. I have tried to bond with her, and really want to like her, but I can't understand why my boyfriend holds her in such high regard - other than perhaps he still fancies her. He denies this, and says they've just been friends for a long time. She seems really boring to me, and extremely distant, but possibly she is different towards him when they are on their own. She also stares at him strangely when they are together...though apparently she is a person that generally stares a lot, and her own boyfriend complains about this.So, my boyfriend is meeting up with her this Friday for a few drinks, and once again i feel slightly irritated. I have spoken to my boyfriend about how I feel, and he says he is sorry that I feel that his friend hasn't been very warm towards me, but that he is not going to stop seeing her, and he isn't sure what i want him to do about it. I am upset that he doesn't understand how she makes me feel. I think I would feel happier if I knew her better, and could finally 'get' what it is he sees in her. She seems so dull and spaced out, that I can't help but think he wouldn't like her half as much if she was ugly...I've tried to say I'd prefer it if they didn't meet alone, so that i could maybe get to know her a bit more, and feel less uneasy about their friendship, but he's doesn't see her often, so I think he prefers to catch up with her on his own. How do I deal with this and just bloody get over it??! Thanks for all advice and suggestions xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): There is no reason for your boyfriend to have close female friends, especially ones that he has had feelings for in the past.
If he does have female friends, then he has no reason to meet them alone, without you.
Finally, he has shown a lack of respect by saying that he finds her attractive. He can say it to his male friends, to his family whom ever he pleases but to say it to you shows a lack of respect.
If you feel threatened by this, and you have told him and he refuses to listen, then you have some things to think about.
It may seem trivial to many of you but this is how affairs start. With a simple drink between friends...
A
female
reader, AC212 +, writes (12 October 2009):
AC212 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneddie, thanks for answering and for your insight. I think the fact she's attractive only makes a difference to me because he mentioned this about her, and once when I asked him if he still fancied her, he was very hesitant....so go figure...
If she was ugly, I'd be less worried about his feelings towards her, but still puzzled as to what he saw in her personality wise, and still upset that she had been cold towards me.
We have argued about this a bit, but I try to suppress it I suppose because I know jealousy isn't very attractive.
I wasn't invited to go along - and he arranged to see her on a day I had planned to meet friends.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 What does the facct that she's attractive have to do with this? Would you be bothered by this if she was unattractive? Are you saying he canmeet females if he chooses as long as they're not prettier than you?
You see, this can go on forever. There will always be prettier women that you, more handsome than your boyfriend etc, you either trust or you don't. The tricky part here is they have history and the burden of trust is on you because you're the one who has something to lose in this situation. What you can do is try to establish some boundaries in the relationship. It will be a liitle difficult now because your man will already be defensive about this particular person and he's have to explain to his old friend why he is not allowed to see her anynore.
She does not have to be your best friend. It's possible when you've tried to bond with her that you've already got your mind made up that you don't like her.
In my mind, you should be able to go along with them for drinks. Why not? He should be happy to have you as long as you don't have a history of making the situation awkward. Let's face it. Often somebody in a relationship has to allow thenself to be fully exposed. It can be a scary thing to do. You are th one who is gambling. By consenting to your partner meeting up with this woman, you feel you have something to lose. On the other hand, if you don't agree to this you could lose him too. The truth is that we can not control people. WE can get away with it for a while but it eventually destoys the relationship.
I'd like to ask you this, were you invited to go along? Have you pouted a lot about this? Do you argue over this? I hope you respond.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): I wrote a similar question on here a few days earlier. I had hummed and hawed for ages over what to do as however many subtle hints I dropped to my fiance he wouldn't stop being friends with her. I have tried all avenues of telling him it unsettled me, upset me, made me feel wary all to no avail. I also pointed out that if she was with a man she wouldn't like it if I kept ringing / seeing him. I was told that she was a close friend, if anything was going to happen it would have done by now, he has known her over 15 years, get over it, I am being jealous over nothing, the list us endless.
I cannot live like this so told him either she went or I did and we haven't spoken in over a week. I think I got a pretty clear answer there - don't you?
You are handling this in a better more calm way than I am capable of. There is no reason why they should meet alone other than it probably suits her. You are right to ask if you could come along and very wise to try and befriend this woman because it doesn't look like she is going anywhere in the non too distant future. I would hope she is a bit more interesting when she is with him although if she has designs on him she probably is watching quietly in the wings to see what you are like. I don't think these friendships ever please the spouse/ girlfriend and I personally would back off if I was the woman as I know how much it hurts and annoys. Keep going down the road of wanting to be her friend and going out in groups as this will stop anything happening if it ever was going to do so. Always trust your gut instinct because if you get that feling then normally you are not wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): I think you have every right to be annoyed about this.
For starters they both previously had feelings for each other. That sends warning signs to me, because it is unlilkely that feelings totally disappear. She seems to definatley like him, as it is a classic sign of jealousy to treat you with hostility.
You should sit your boyfriend down and tell him that this isn't acceptable. Tell him she treats you like shit, and he can see her, but you'll be there. Because if there isn't anything going on, then there isn't a problem, is there? I would be exactly the same as you.
If not then get a good looking guy friend, and tell your boyfriend that although you used to fancy each other, you're just going to go for drinks. See if he's okay with THAT! X
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