A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a 4 year relationship with my current girlfriend. 2 of those have been long distance. Coming to the end of the long distance she became uneasy that I wasn't committing with respect to marriage. I wasn't in a position to think of marriage but she was...Anyway she became impatient and months before my secret plans to propose to her, she cheated on me with another guy. (I didn't know this until after I proposed, but her behaviour was very secretive and suspicious. Always hiding to do things)We sort out our differences and I eventually propose to her, and she happily accepts. We spend a few months together before I go back home. However immediately she cheats on me with same guy again, this time I find out. I decide the relationship is over and she begs me to forgive her and that she made a mistake and she realises she loves me... it was a hard decision but I decided to forgive her and give it a try. She visits me for a few months and things are quite rocky, she clearly was still lying to me about things, being evasive and deceitful. I responded angrily to that as I was going through other problems in my life and she basically blamed me for being always upset (because I knew she was lying to me).I was very clingy to her during this period, with so much of my time and love put into her, I loved and trusted her more than you can imagine. She thinks I can't live without her. I thought I couldn't at the time, but now I know I can (obviously)Less than a week after she returns home, she decides to just suddenly end the relationship... it absolutely tore me apart... she never really gave me a concrete reason for it, still making me thing we have a chance to sort it out in the future.I think is partially a case of she loves who I am, but she is not in love with me anymore and was to scared to tell me, and that she cannot wait for time and effort needed to overcome the long distance... she is extremely selfish and I don't know why I still want her back. She thinks I don't know the extent of her cheating and deceit. She says she never had sex with the guy, but I know she did.Always the stupid softy that I am, I told her I need time apart to get over it because she has had time to move on and the shock was hard for me because it was so sudden. I told her she can contact me if there is an urgent problem, otherwise to give me my space. She happily agreed. She said she doesn't want to talk about our relationship any more and I agreed.However she still tries to call me and be friendly with me. Not giving me a chance to move on, constantly keeping herself on my mind. She knows I have blocked her msn and email so she goes through some quite desperate measures to contact me, sometimes at all random times of the day and night, with quite unimportant content a lot of the time despite me blocking her email and msn. It really annoys me, I feel she uses me as an emotional crutch, but I can't bring myself to tell her leave me alone, because I'm actually happy she contacts me, it makes me feel needed.I guess i'm secretly hoping that by finally not making myself available as the guy that is always there for her, she will realise once and for all, if she can be without me or not. She was a massive priority in my life, and she didn't treat me that way and it hurt. Now I'm trying to move on and find someone else at the moment, and show her that now she is no longer a priority in my life. But my feelings still cloud my judgement and i so badly want to contact her still. I need to get rid of my feelings for her before I even think about being even just friends, but feelings for her just won't go away mainly because she selfishly just won't let me do it.Is she just trying to use me as an emotional crutch friend or is she trying to keep me interested while she has her own fun, or is she genuinely scared of losing me I wonder.I'm thinking I shouldn't just come right out and say leave me alone just yet, I plan to just leave things as they are progress with my life and decide further down the road what i want to do... but i can't get her off my mind right now...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, but I'm afraid her attempting to contact you is for her own needs, not yours. It maybe that she would like you as a fall back, if things don't work out for her in her current situation. It maybe that she likes the attention she gets - us woman like to feel attractive, even if we are with someone. I've been with my bloke for quite a while and would never cheat on him. If someone tries to chat me up, I tell them that I'm spoken for, but still have a little smile.The fact that she's cheated on you numerous times, speaks volumes. If you do get back together, will you trust her? You sound like a really sweet and caring guy, who clearly put her first - I think you need to tell her not to contact you at all - you deserve someone that will love you with the same intensity that you love. There's someone out there for you :) But you won't find her until you move on. Take the control back.Good luck xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Dear friend, I am currently going through something similar. I'd like to tell you it will get easier with time but I would be lying to you. All I can say is, you've given her the best of you...break the habit of talking to her. When she contacts you tell her you are busy with things. It's human nature to read into things and at the very least she will begin to actually think about things in a completely different way. And then either one of two things will happen. She will either realize she doesn't need you and in turn you can move on completely without her being in the forefront of your mind...or she will realize that thing won't be the same without you there and will try to figure out a reason to convince you of that. Either way, this is just one hopeless romantic's opinion and at the very worst you can get the closure you so desperately need. Take care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): holy freakin crap dude, this sounds exactly like my situation i just went through. Ok im going to give you one peice of advice and you better take it!
Ok i was in a LDR for same amount of time 4 years. We had our ups and downs and it was pretty intense! Anyway she went back to her ex because she wasnt in love with me. Im still madly in love with her and she stil trys to contact me, but there is no way to move on unless you block her out of your life completly. She doesnt want you back she is just using you as emotional support. Only take her back if she says she wants you back, give it some time tho ignore her for a few months and wait for that txt or email saying she wants you back, other wise move on fully man. goodluck
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