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anonymous
writes: I want to try and improve on social skills by going to pubs and bars and making general small talk. Sometimes it goes well, but it really only takes one bad chat, and I'm right back there on square one again. Even when it does go well, it's not quite as well as I would like, because I either don't see the person again, or if I do see them again, there's no follow up chat.I like the idea of speaking to new people, but it scares the crap out of me enough to prevent me from doing it - even more so when I will be in a new country, on my own and obviously very vunerable. How does someone deal with continued rejection, or better turn rejection into acceptance and a few new friends? Reply to this Question
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (30 September 2005):
 I agree with pops.
But as one who can talk to a pole and seem interesting (I am told) here are the secretes that are actually detailed the the book "How to win friends and influence people" (a real classic and an easy read that my mother forced me to read and reread in the 70s when I was in middle school.)
First, talking needs to be more about letting others show what they have and know and less about what you have and know. If you pose questions that are thoughtful and that allow others to get into a roll they will seek you out!
Ask three questions for every statement and keep the statements to how you have heard about there point or always was interested in that point etc.
Go out sometimes with no other purpose except for practiceing this and try NOT to stop until you have been shut down at least three times or after three hours (6 cold or mean respomses is better but do this where you are less likely to meet up with these subjects again jik you get honery and are beggin for the rudness;) ).
Keep it light and spend your spare time learning a little about everything. Informed questions are the greatest way to appear smart. So if I say I am into politics and psychology, you don't ask just why but you ask, did one lead to the other and/or it makes sense because one is studies the needs of humans and the other, how to get those needs met. Then you say what school of thought interests you most in econ.... And if you have no idea what I am talking about ask what that thought is again specifically. If you seem to know more than they do, who cares, let them look good. If they are way off and silly just say "huh, I had never heard it quite that way, I will have to go back and revies that."
I have had conversations for hours where I never stated anything and my reputation soared. The guy I was talking to thought I was "brilliant, funny, interesting and personable". In reality, I never finished even one sentence, was almost in shock at the self absorbtion he displayed, and utilizing my every brain cell to allow it to continue (he had the ability to make or break it for me in a key position I clearly needed.)
Finally, never let them see you sweat. Practice laughing at your self. Never let another person define you as that will mean you are not really defined and therefore nothing really. People all filter reality through there own past and experience. No two people will ever, ever, ever see anything or event the same way no matter what. Police have proven this over and over. All witnesses color the event based on quick snap impressions. So use that and try to say as little as you can while looking passionately interest in the other person and better, find out what their passion is and you will have a new friend. If you look like you want to have a happy and good time and are guenuinely interested in others, you will become better and better liked. It is a rare find to meet someone who really seems to want to hear about you and seems very interested as well. Don't you feel charged after hanging out with them? Be them and you will be happy.
If all else fails, get a clip board and pretend to be taking an official survey for a class or some think tank and have the questions you have always wanted to know ready. If you find a friend to video, (two really is the best (sound and video) you can ask the most amazing questions and people will actually answer them. You can have some real fun then. My brother did this once for fun and The questions were extremely intimate and unusual. But, the clip board is key as is stating their annonimity will be protected. You can hear it all.
Generally, If you look like you are expecting nothing but respect, you will get it. Look like you are hanging on their assessment of you and that your self worth depends on every new opinion, and the jerks who feel powerless will assert their control and bring you down.
Go on these quests and if you expect a certain (high) number of cold responses, eventually you will become so used to it that in no time, the sting will be gone.
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reader, pops +, writes (30 September 2005):
How much of the bad chats, as you describe them, are due to you being tired, or under the influence? Bars are places people go to drink, not to wax philosophic, generally. There are obvious exceptions, particular around Universities. However, I must suggest you avoid trying to have meaningful conversations in bars and pubs. Don't you do anything else where you interact with people? How about sports? A gym where you exercise? Ever go to the library? Or attend lectures at a University? Or go to the theatre, or to a concert? People at these locations are more likely to be sober, and interested in meeting new people and talking to them. Gain your practice in these settings. If you don't do anything but hang out in pubs, try changing and acquire new interests. I am not sure where you will find anyone less interesting than a drunk. They all talk about drinking, and getting drunk, and how many times they have gotten drunk, and where they got drunker, etc.
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