A
female
age
51-59,
*itUK
writes:I have abandonment issues which Im worried will eventually destroy my relationship..oh and I dont understand men.Ive just started seeing someone I adore, hes beautiful, so handsome sometimes Im shy to look at him. Hes kind, gentle and always comes up with fun things for us to do.Thing is Im pretty much supperessing everything of who I am to try and make this work. Im properly damaged goods, Ive suffered great trauma in my life and surivived, but my scars are deep very painful. Ive tried councilling and it just hasnt really worked, Ive learnt the odd coping skill, but suffer extreme stress from constantly trying to keep my emotions in check.Im worried the object of my affections will dump me and having endured that kind of pain more often than I care to mention lately, Im falling apart already before anything has gone wrong.One of the roots of my concern is he's affectionate with me when we are together, but doesnt call inbetween, doesnt chat to me. He's self contained and doesnt really seem to need me, just chooses my company 1/2 a week. I am flattered but I simply dont know how to handle this lack of obvious affection (to my warped values at least).Weve been seeing each other for just over a three months, so early days I know.Theres so much pressure these days to get it right, Im so terrified of getting it wrong. I cry a lot, increasingly the pain is getting worse. Im back to the suicidal thoughs of my youth.So my question is I suppose why do I think all relationships will end up destroying me. Why cant I just be normal?Most people would kill to have someone like my fella, but they are stable confident people, I can only be that on the surface, maybe you can help me.If things continue as they are, I will lose him one of two ways, I will crack show my real self and destroy my attempts at being more selfcontrolled and well balannced. Or I will become so frightened I will end it so that at least I know the outcome.I am 40 and he is 36, I dont think it gets much worse than that, oh yes it does, he doesnt know Im older than him because I look at least 10yrs younger and Im not terribly mature.In the real world that means, Im running out of time for children and Im not a safe bet. My career is failing and I have endured 3 close deaths in less than two years. I know.... you would dump me.Thank you for your time, please try and be kind and I dont wish this to seem self pitying but Im in the most extreme pain right now and just wanted to try and reach out. I cant talk to my friends, they are quite possessive of my affections and it would hurt them terribbly to hear me talk this way. They wouldnt be open to this kind of discussion at all and neither would he.
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female
reader, KitUK +, writes (1 July 2007):
KitUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Yellow Daffodil
Angel thank you for your kind reply. Im so sorry your heartbroken, it is my greatest fear because the pain is unutterably severe. Maybe your fella just needs to time to think, to realise what he would be losing in letting you go.
Bizarrely my abandonment issues dont hinge on my not loving myself. I actually like myself as a person, Im just extremely self critical when it comes to my capabilities, as is my mother, need I say more.
I am in London, Britain, I presume you are in America?
My abandonment issues stem from my childhood when my parents had a particularly acrimonious split, I was removed from my family at the age of 5 in the middle of the night, no explanations given, just to be returned at a later date, only for the routine to be repeat when I was 9. I cant tell you how shocking or scary that can be.
I dont blame myself or anyone else for my abandonment issues, they just affect my life, to the point that expect to be left and fear it. Im much stronger now than I used to be but still scared, to be frank.
My love may your prayers give you strength and may you get everything you wish for in life. Thank you again for your kindness.
When my friends have had their hearts broken, I remind them 'youve been happy before in your life and sure as eggs is eggs you will be again'. That said my heart goes out to you, may I say you YellowDaffodil are not alone.
Big Kiss xx
A
female
reader, yellowdaffodil  +, writes (1 July 2007):
Hi
You are not alone. You are never alone. Do not hurt yourself anymore. So you think have abandoment issues? Stop thinking that way and let me tell you why.
Why do you think so many women your age are married or in abusive relationships? Because they do not want to be alone. It is natural to feel the way you do. It is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You have lost several loved individuals in your life. Your career is troubling you. It is normal for you to feel despondent at this time. You do have have "abandonment issues."
Would conseling or medications help? Not sure. Many married people are relying on antidepressants so marriage is not the answer. Antidepressants are not that effective.
Last week my heart was broken by a man due to my insecurities. I am 38 and he is the first man I have ever wanted to marry but he doesn't feel the same way. I expressed this and he just left my life. I am heartbroken. But it sounds like your love is still in your life. What could you do today to stop feeling this way?
Wake up and tell yourself "i love you." Loving yourself is the hardest thing in the world to do when you have abandonment issues. I know because you sound just like me. My heart goes out to you because I feel like you and would never wish this feeling on anyone. There is a higher power in this universe. I do believe in God. That higher power loves you in a way you will never be able to understand. The higher power has a plan for you. He understands your fears. He wants you to trust in him and let him guide your life. The fear that you have is keeping you from this. Again I know this because I am living it too. I do believe that meditation and prayer is the answer. You have to remember that when things happen in your life smoothly its because it was planned that way. God has this plan for you and if you get ahead of it it can be a disaster. Maybe the man who God has picked out for you is not available yet. Maybe the job God has picked out for you is not available yet. Sometimes problems arise in our life because God wants you to make a change and he is telling you in this way. Sometimes he wispers and if you don't listen he will start shouting until you finally hear it. When that happens it's like a slap in the face and it can be very painful but sometimes it takes that to wake you up.
My heart is broken now. I am a successful, attractive blond blueeyed gregarious female who looks 10 years younger and is wonderful to spend time with and I wonder why this man does want to commit to me. I am utterly devastated. But the only thing keeping me going is believing in what I just told you. Trust in God. Talk to your friends. He put them in your life for a reason. They love you. God loves you. You are never alone. I don't know where you are on this planet but I am thinking of you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Hi
thanx for the feedback i wrote you a private message i hope u dont mind. feel free to send me one if u think u still need to some outlook.
Jovial
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A
female
reader, KitUK +, writes (25 June 2007):
KitUK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiIts always nice to hear other peoples experiences so thank you for your reply. When my sister died in a car accident I went to my GP and went through counseling for the second time! It did give me some coping skills, but not particularly regarding romantic relationships. actually it hasn't really helped with some very deep rooted emotional difficulties I endure having experienced a number of very unpleasant events in my life. It did make me smile you saying I sound like I have a "psychological disorder ", makes me sound like a serial killer...lol. Im just a product of a poor childhood and often little or no guidance. I am painfully self aware and often far too hard on myself. Im well educated but it doesn't help, just knowing your in trouble doesn't always help you fix the problem.My fella is British and Im going to say something controversial, British men arent known for being open. In London where I live they want achievers, who are also so emotionally stable they border on boring. The trend in London seems to be marry a mouse/ or demonstrative over achiever and then cultivate a mistress who is the exact opposite...ipsofacto having your cake and eating it!But who am I to point the finger, Im not perfect far from it. I suppose what Im trying to say is, honesty would make a British man run for the hills or call you a bunny boiler (which is a totally unacceptable assessment of any woman and I hate the way men bandy that term about..its sickening).Your right perhaps my partner isn't the one for me, but right now he is the one who seems to value my time along with his own and believe me that is very rare.I wish I had the answer, I wish I didn't feel this despondent everytime I engage in a relationship.Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (25 June 2007):
hi
firstly im really sorry you feel the way you do. im not professional but i think you do have some kind of pschological disorder visit your GP and im sure he will be able to refer you to someone who can truly help you. and sooner rather than later you will see it working than your previous one.
i can relate to the way u feel. when i came out of the relationship with my son's father i was so torn and myself esteem was very low and i couldnt believe i will ever make a relationship work. whenever i was in a relationship i was scared it will end or he will hurt me like my ex did i was just messed up. so i decided a different approach when i meet my current bf i decided to be open about my past relationship because i liked him so much that i saw he was a good man and very genuine i told him my fears and he was very understanding he helped me to put my fears to rest. and now we are really happy that im glad i trusted him from the start and he is happy he didnt give up on me either.
i know this technique sound too risky but if u want this to work be open about your fears if he is not comfortable then he is just not the one for you. my bf says he didnt care about my baggage all he wanted was to love me and make me see the relationship the way he did and it worked. so maybe u were also waiting for that someone who understand you deeper than yourself.
do not bother about understanding men you can never do that why it is still a mystry, even men dont understand us so stop cracking yourself. just get to know him and how you can please him thats the basics in every relationship.
also concentrate on the things that pulls you up as a person remember that is the best counsiling u can give yourself. healing start from within these pschiatrists and the rest just help us to find a different perspective towards life.
hope this helps a little
Jovial
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