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anonymous
writes: Dear Agony Aunt,My 13 year old daughter is dating an 18 year old, she's known him since her last year in middle school. He is in the sixform of her new high-school and will be going to university next year. I feel I cannot say anything because it will drive the relationship underground. I thought it wouldn't last long but its gone on six months. The staff at the school say this is not unusual.Other parents have told me its worrying at first, especially when you come to realise that most boys are just after sex. The important thing is to be there for her. And make sure there are advice leaflets (and condoms) in the house. Is this sound advice. Please re-assure me that I'm doing the right thing by standing back and letting her work things out.I don't have a partner to share these problems with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Hello, I am 18 year old male who is in love with a 13 year old. We aren't dating and she doesn't know how I feel, but we talk all the time, see each other when we can, and we are really great friends. I can tell you, that not every man is a pig. I have never had sex, and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I have friends who have had their lives change completely because of sex, and I will not let that happen to me until I am married and ready. My opinion of the condoms in the house, coming from a male at the age of 18, is to get rid of them. Your daughter doesn't need to be having sex that early in life for any reason.You may ask me: What could I possibly get from talking to a 13 year old? My answer: Happiness. I am a very random person and she lets me be myself because she is random also, which is something my friends don't always let me do. She is also not involved in the drama my friends in high school are involved in, which gets old very fast. I care about her and I would never want to do anything that would hurt her in anyway, but people don't understand that. Today, especially in the smaller town I live in, people believe you are dating whoever you talk to. People are quick to judge, like my parents. I love them to death, but they told me a week or so ago that I could not talk to her anymore and I tried to tell her that I could not talk to her, and it didn’t work. I felt so bad watching her basically come to tears in front of me, and slowly but surely, I started talking to her again because some friendships are worth fighting for , this one included. Overall I would tell you, and any other parents who is questioning a relationship like this, to make sure he or she is in the relationship for something other than sex. There are nice people out there, people who actually care, and everyone should be given a chance because love comes in a variety of different ways.
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male
reader, loveisntwrong  +, writes (2 July 2008):
Well please understand this everyone has different opinions. See not every guy wants sex, some want romance yes it might include sex.....but that doesn't mean he's gonna have sex with her at a young age. I'm 19 and about 3 years ago I met my bestfriend and were now engaged people might say it's wrong because she's 16 but thats a 3 year difference so it's normal.....my dad and her girlfriend are 10 years apart, and we do know what love is....both of us, I've made sure she was in love before asking her to marry me. Her parents don't like me because I told them I was bisexual.....not because I was 19......her parents don't let us see each other which it's true it only made us want to be together more and fall farther in love. Her parents would rather have her dating a pothead, stoner, etc....than a bisexual man....and he just wants sex he's even told her...and I want to just be able to hold her and watch a movie together....so um....who's better? Not to mention her parents are really crazy....her mother has fake boobs....and expects her daughters to both be the same cheerleader type girls....sorry but those kind of girls arn't better than anyone....I've seen it for myself. So whats best is to just let them be if you suspect them of having sex make sure you just keep your eye on them never let them alone longer than 10 minutes....if you catch them do anything then do something....just wait to see if this guys bad or not not all guys are the same....just watch them. Be a mother not a crazy luny....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): Ugggggggg......... I have been trying to find answers myself as I too have a now 14 year old daughter with a relationship with a 19 year old boy (going on for the past year and a half) and want to put a stop to it. Just to let you know.. I tried "talking" and allowing them to be with each other as long as it was in my home, and the longer the creap was in my home the more I hated him. He is manipulative, sneaky, and deceitful. When I thought I had my daughter convinced to stay away from him because he was actually stalking her and dating other girls, he conned her with "what happened to my rebelius one and where is she" and all that crap. I have taken cell phones away, I have called his parents, last item on list is restraining order!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Ok First off im 48 and when I was 38 I met a 14 year old girl on the internet that was verry or seemed verry matuor, But she was in to cyber sex hevey and was thinking about runninr off to ingland with a man she was cyber sexing with ! and I told her not too do it do to the fact that the laws in irland may differ from here , and well he may want to hurt her oh She now married and has three children !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I'm 17 and dating a 13 year old. You should talk to her and tell her you want her to wait to have sex till she's married and, If he realy cares about her he won't have sex with her till shes 18. Otherwise he could go to jail for Statutory rape and never get to see her again.
You probably don't care about my answer since I'm only 17.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): okay...so...i'm 13 dating a 18 year old....and we havent had sex and i dont plan too...i told him that and he respects that.....i have enough experience to handle him....i have gone through so much shit and abuse that i can handle a fucking 18 year old.....but giving your daughter condoms is just fucked up.(sorry)but its true.....you dont have to like the relationship at all...but just laying out condoms is messed up...trying sitting her down and talking to her. i dont think that your daughter should be dating a 18 year old...because he hasnt come from where i came from...and hasnt even experienced half the shit that i have...so i would say stop the relationship. But i come from the Ghetto,,,and i have been physically and mentally abused and i pulled through and beat the shit outta the guy who did it, and this guy was older than me by 20 years!!!! and i wasnt dating him....but because of where i was and still am being raised....you mature alot faster.
End the relationship.....everybody is at a different maturity level. I have been told by everybody that i meet that i am at the maturity level of a 21 year old. and i guess its true...
(sorry bout the mis-spellings)
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reader, MOM0F3 +, writes (31 July 2007):
I am going through something similar. My daughter has been warned to stay away from him. He has been threatened to stay away from her. I even called his mom and threatened her telling her it is statutory rape if he is with my daughter. My daughtr is 16. He is 18. I think you should fight to keep them apart. At your daughters age she does not realize that this relationship means nothing to the guy, while she is probably madly in love with him. I am going through the same thing. I have been told I am unfair. Mr daughters guy has been busted for drugs and drinking. I have gone so far as to try to follow her or show up at places she is supposed to be at with her girl friends. Just to make sure she is not with him. I told her if he is that important to her then they can wait two more years. I have friends that tell me i am probably pushing them closer togeher, however my husband and I don't care. We will do what ever it takes to try to keep them apart. She needs to finish highschool without having a child and she needs to concentrate on grades and college. Whatever the turnout I will at least know I tried my best to do what is best for her. I think you should step up and put your foot down and tell her she can not see him. She may hate you, but then you know you are doing your job. Someday she will get over it and thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): My daughter was 14 and dating a 17 yr old he turned 18 and she barley 15 and she is pregnant .... If i could do it all again,, i would have kicked him to the curb when it started and told him to date someone of age
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): When I was 15, I also dated an 18 year old guy. My parents were supportive and didn't worry about it because they thought it wouldn't last, and they were absolutely right. I ending up giving my virginity to him and as soon as he got sick of me, he dumped me and it has scared me. If your daughter is having sex with him and she in only 13, I can't even think about what it might do to her. You might have it easy though, if he's going away to college, I swear to you, he wont keep up with the relationship at all. He'll look around and see women, not girls, and he will instantly grow up and realize that the relationship with your daughter was a huge mistake. But I wouldn't encourage sex by giving her condoms, that the same as saying your ok with her having sex, and face it youre not, and who would be? Now if you want to get to the bottom of things, talk to both of them seperately. Ask your daughter to be honest with you and talk to her about why it wouldn't be a good idea. Then talk to him and ask him what his intentions with your daughter are. I'm not going to say this will work, but it might help. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Hi,
From the sounds of it there isn't that much age dif between your daughter and her guy as there is with my girlfriend and I. I'm 18 and she's 14, we met in highschool, and liked each other secretly throughout last year. We both felt really bad about our feelings cause we know many consider it evil... but once both of us shared that we wanted sex to wait till marriage we knew we would atleast try. I waited for her parents approval, and even now only spend time with her occasionally and supervised - not that we'd ever do anything, just that we don't want people making alogations (sorry, i'm bad at spelling :-P) I'm in university now and we've been together for 6 months, and are madly in love with each other - both of us sure we've found our soulmate.
All I can say is that sex ruins relationships - I've seen that in so many of my friends relationships, thus making me want even more to wait till marriage....
Anyways, like many others have suggested, try to get the boyfriend to talk to you... ask him questions, and once you know him, make a valued decision as to if he can be trusted or not... he should NOT under ANY CONDITIONS be allowed to have sex with your daughter, at least till she's of age. I would recommend that you make sure they're always supervised or in a public place in full view.
Unfortunantly people see a relationship with an 18 year old male and a 14 year old female as evil, assuming that all 18 year olds want sex, but my argument is, isn't it likly that a guy her age might just want that too? If you're daughter is going to be in a relationship, one where it can be contained in your house is probably better than if she's in a relationship at school, sneeking off to make out behind a tree or something - If you're daughter wants sex, she is more likely to have it with a guy her age, than if she's with someone who knows:
a) it's illegal to have sex with her and,
b) is supervised.
... If the guy cares for her enough to handle this, then fine, let them be together.... what you don't want is if the guy turns out to be aregant and rude to you, trying to "steal" your daughter away from you and shows disrespect for your rules...
...My advice is stop looking at a 4-4 and a half age diff, and start looking at who the guy is as a person, question his beliefs and values, and get to know him, and think about the benifits of keeping your daughters relationship under your watchful eye.
Many kind regards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): Well, I'm in a relationship with a 15 year old girl and I'm almost 19. I've known her for almost 3 years now and we have been through a lot together. I don't know about the rest of you but I know I found my true love. My parents always tell me that she's just a little girl and doesn't know any better. Well god dammit you should atleast get to know her right? I think what you should do is get to know this guy. Find out more about him and make him feel like a part of the family. After awhile, you'll see his true-self and will be able to distinguish weather or not he's a nice guy or an asshole. I know some guys might "act" sweet and innocent too. If your daughter comes home with bruises or cuts, chances are that she's in a violent relationship. If the girl loves him she'll most likely deny or even lie about the marks. TAKE ACTION! I hope this was helpfull. Oh yeah, talk to your kid. They'll listen. They know what's right and wrong. They're not stupid. I know this out of date but it never gets old to help someone out! Have a GREAT day :)
- Ismael R
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female
reader, jezibelinhell +, writes (16 July 2006):
 What you need to do is beat your daughters ass! When I was 14 I had a boyfriend that was 19. My Mom didn't care, even let him sleep over. I ended up pregnant with a child that had serious medical problems and died at 8 month of age. I dropped out of school, lost my teenage year completely and destroyed my life. Is this the future you want for your daughter? He's a man...she is a CHILD! YOU are her mother! All this advice I see and your fear of angering your daughter into doing something awful is ridiculous! She's already doing something awful and you are allowing it! I don't care if you have to homeschool her behind locked doors, do it! She may hate you now, but she'll thank you when she's grown and NOT an abused welfare mom! My oldest is an 18 year old virgin that plans to marry her boyfriend after college. If you asked her why, she'd tell you because her Mom would kill her if she did it any other way. But she'd say it with a smile and give me a huge hug! Do your job...sometimes the right thing isn't always the easy thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2006): Put it this way, I have seen first hand what will happen if the law is called in.
Better get him on your side because it's much better that he have her time then what will happen when she realises hes gone.
Drug's/alcy/sex with 18-30 year old's you will never even know about because she will try and replace hi
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2006): Halleerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!Me and youre daughter are just the same.We are both teenagers.I understand what she's feeling.On my side?I liked having relationships with my opposite sex too.Asking why?Its because I can prove to myself that I am a real grown-up.Showing her youre concerns is okey but such as protectors or shall we say "condoms" duh!!!youre over reacting!Don't you have trust on your own daughter?Showing her this things would push her to do things which you prohibited her to do!!!Got it???
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006): OK, I really know the answer to this. It's fine if your 13 year old daughter is mature enough to be dating an 18 year old. IF you think she might not be mature enough for him, you should definately do something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): i was 19 and dated a girl that was 14 (she lied and said she was 16 i didnt know) we dated for 6 months, had sex, etc, one day i come home, the police are at my house, i get taken to jail, apparently her mom knew she was with me (older guy) and was ok with it, the step dad was not, and pressed charges, i went to jail, lost my job, she admitted to the court that she cared for me, and wanted to have sex, but it did no good, since we live near the state line, i was charged in 2 states with the same crime ( under different names) and went to jail for over a year, and i am now on probation , with a "sexual offender" status for the next 25 years.I really cant tell you the moral of the story, i didnt know how old she really was, but the court didnt care. Please dont get an innocent guy locked up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): i have to say something here. I personally am 19 and im in love with a 14 n a half yr old. no one can control there feelings. If you love someone why shouldnt you be allowed to show it. It doesnt have to be sexual as there is more to life than that. I personally wouldnt have sex with anyone whos under 16 but i dont see that having a relationship with them is wrong. If she decides that she wants to be with me then why is that wrong. ive not applied any pressure to her. ive just said to her "do u want a relationship" thats it. i told her it cannot be sexual. what is wrong for two people to love each other? why is it right that an 18 yr old can go out with a 76 year old yet for a 13yr old to go out with an 18 yrold is wrong. you people need to think about what your doing to your kids if you dont just support them and explain your concerns. Dont jump in and say right thats it im gunna do this and that. Youll drive your kids away and at 13 they are very emotional and hormonal. You really should stop and look at it from a distance to see if it is really a worry. If shes getting pregnancy tests n stuff then yer say something but if shes just having a relationship with this boy and they are being sensible about it then support her. If you make too much of a fuss she may rebel and become pregnant and not be sensible about those kind of things. Think about the things ive said. i know not many agree but just think about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): Hunny, i'm not being nasty but i'm a Virgo and Virgos tell the truth...YOU STUPID BITCH!!! Don't you realise he's a peodaphile? What would an 18 year old want with a 13 year old? Most parents would have him in prison by now. Don't hold back get that kiddy fiddler away from your child!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): This is completeely normal. i am 14 myself and i have been out with up to 22 year olds. but if your daughter really likes this lad, age isnt a problem. just let your daughter make her own mistakes. if her and her boyfried dont have a problem with it, then you shouldnt either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): Just a few pointers, Dad. To the best of my knowledge a relationship with a minor (under 16) is not actually illegal unless sex occurs. Teenagers who report that their parents take a genuine interest in their activities are more likely to avoid trouble. Family rules and boundaries can provide a sense of stability to teens who are struggling to decipher relationships, roles, and even their own personalities. When parents include teenagers in establishing clear rules about appropriate behavior and consequences, the arguments over rules end. Children can no longer claim that accountability or expectations are unfair, and parents can take on the role of calmly enforcing the pre-arranged consequences instead of having to impress upon the child the seriousness of the problem and scramble to find an appropriate punishment. Meantime, you have to put in place measures to restrict your daughter's contact with this guy. Hopefully you have also discussed with her the whole subject of under-age sex, as well as reassuring her that you love her and want whatever's going to keep her safe and happy in the long term. Not being trusted is not a nice feeling, and teenagers are unlikely to enjoy having their friendships monitored or restricted so it will take time for your daughter to settle down again. You know this lad best. If you feel the lad's affection is genuine you may consider supervised contact where an adult in the family is always present. Of course you would explain exactly why the supervision is necessary to both parties. If their affection does last under these conditions until she is 16, the choice will then legally be hers. I repeat that this is your decision, but supervised contact may be less likely to invite rebellion on her part. I'm sure you're doing your best to deal with this in the best way, so that your interactions with her are as positive as possible. I do wish you all the best with this.
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reader, angelicdivauk  +, writes (8 November 2005):
 Two words, Reverse Psychology. If you tell her she CAN'T see this guy, then it will make her more adamant about seeing him. If you support her and guide her along, then hopefully in time she will realise the age gap is too vast and will want to be with someone who is more on her level. Good Luck, Hugs and Kisses xoxox
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): Leaving condomns and leaflets laying around? Try 'talking' to your daughter, instead. Set some boundries, Dad...I think that 13 is too young to be dating..anyone let alone an 18 year old. She doesn't have enough life or social experience to handle a one-on-one situation. This relationship will end being a "sexua;" one...you can bet your bottom dollar on that. Let your daughter squawk about it now. She'll thank you later—when she's better prepared, emotionally, and dating for the right reasons, not just because "everyone else is doing it."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2005): What uncle robin says its probably the best advise anyone could give you.
Also, its good to see that your realistic, you know your daughter may involve herself in sexual activities so leaving condoms around the house, even for that worst case scenario, is probably the best thing you can do.
Im taking it your daughters mature, and thats why shes with an 18 year old, and no its not uncommon, thats a fairly normal match up here.
For all you flamers who say he shouldnt raise her or w/e, his a single parent doing the best he can to maintain a realtionship with his daughter without wanting to pressure her into doing what he feels is right or wrong, like wouldnt it be better then know whats happening and anticipating them having sex in his own house, with condoms lying around easy to find, then have her sneaking out behind his back and end up having sex in the guys backseat of his car with no protection?
Man, best of luck, ignore the flamers, 18 years old and 13-14 year olds have heaps in common, remember women are usulay 3-4 years more mature then men at their age, so whilst she may be 13 her maturity is preety much the same as that for the male.
Also, why do you all think age matters? If the two clicked then they clicked, also not all men are interested in just sex, there are a few of us just looking for someone to hold onto, myself is one of them, yea im 18.
Do you yourself know the guy? Meet him get to know him and strengthen your relationship with your daughter, maybe you'll see they find comfort with each other and sex isnt always the topic their after.
Why does everyone assume the worst when it comes to people?
Anyway as i said before, Uncle robins advice is the best here by far and folwoing that would be the best bet.
I think ive said everything i can on the topic, best of luck, and follow what advice you think is best.
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reader, Uncle Robin +, writes (5 November 2005):
Dear Anon_male_reader,
I really feel for you, and I am sorry that you have had to put up with the moral indignation of the some of the other agony aunts, who should have read your question more closely, and reflected more clearly on the advice you were seeking.
If I'm reading what you are saying correctly the following applies;
1. You daughter could be nearly 14, and her boyfriend could be just 18. Given the fact that girls mature before boys, and given what you say about the high school. The scenario you outline is not unusual. Though it might not have been several years ago. The fact that he is in the sixform means that he isn't a "retard" as one of the other agony aunts put it, but intelligent and your daughter is probably seeking more mature company than her male peers. Anyone who thinks that the law makes things clear, or is helpful is an ass. Relationships are complex, and people mature differently. I suspect things are really much more complex than your short question indicates.
2. You do not say that your daughter is having sex, but you are concerned that if she decides to take this relationship to the next level, that she has answers to the questions that are clearly going through her head now. The issue of contraception you raise means that you want her to be safe, and you realistically understand that young people do have sex, this is what the other parents at her high school are telling you and also the teachers (thank god).
3. Clearly, as some of the other agony aunts fail to notice you must have expressed some concern, though you recognise that the best way forward is to work on the relationship between you and your daughter, rather than be the object of her tempor and dispair of the adult world. Though this when/if things go wrong she will realise that you are still there to support her.
4. Another point some of the morally indignant aunts miss, is that you are male and a single parent. This means you don't have a partner to talk things through with (though sensibly you ask around and seek good advice). Parenting is not about being a mother or a father, its genderless, and I know it is controversial to say to some people that it should be genederless, particularly if we believe in the equality of the sexes.
5. No one has to pass a certificate in parenting skills or be trained in the process. You get one shot at it, you learn fast by your mistakes, and you will make many more mistakes as you go through the process. Children mature and change quickly, your "parenting" needs to move with her emotional development, there is no gauge to read in that respect so you like all parents muddle through. You want to do the best you can for the children you love, and that is all you can do.
5. My advice is just be there for your daughter, listen to the informed advice from other "tuned in" parents and teachers in the school. Ignore the moralising clap-trap from the religious, and those that haven't adjusted to the fact that many "families" don't have two parents and they are equally safe, loving, and eventually (like most families) succesful (in relative terms) in raising children.
6. Getting all victorian, or involving the police as one "agony aunt" suggested is insane. The police are not child counsellors they administer codified law that doesn't have grey areas. They will make things more difficult and more stressful for all parties, particularly yourself and your daughter. Work on building a relationship with your daughter, talk to her, let her know she can trust you, make it clear to her you will always be there.
7. The fact that you are male and looking after your daughter on your own implies that you have always changed your fair share of diapers (as one "agony aunt" raised doubts over), the fact that you are seeking advice, reinforces this message. You are doing your best, and shame on anyone who doubts that.
Stick with it, alway be there to talk, you will muddle through.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2005):
 Make that who's the FATHER here? and Buddy you need some help and fast!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2005):
I'll bet she had to change her own diapers because you didn't want to make an issue out of that either! Who's the mother here? Woman you need some help and fast! Get yourself and your daughter to a family counseling organization pronto!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): She is only 13 and need you to offer her guidance and to set boundries with her. She is clearly undisciplined and is ruling you. If you don't have a partner, then enlsit the aid of someone ( a counselor, relative, minister) who could be brought into the picture to help, so you could work together with her, as a coordinated effort. She needs boundaries, firm limits and clear, meaningful consequences. You do not have a miniature adult on your hands, although at times, she does look and act like one. You have a child who needs your guidance, direction, and limits.
This should have been done long before she took up with this guy. A respectable, honorable eighteen year old man with a good head on his shoulders and his heart in the right place, would run the other direction from your 13 year old daughter! He would definitely put her best interests first, which would be to allow her to mature & grow into a young woman without the heavy burdens a sexual relationship with him. This is inappropriate and he should be told to back off, or it will lead lead to time in prison for him.
I wouldn’t never, ever permit my 13 year old daughter to date an 18 year old boy where their expected sexual behaviors goes against my moral beliefs, safety, or better judgment. Not to mention the risk of an unplanned pregnancy. I would say NO to her dating this fellow. You need to protect and guide her, Mom. As her parent, you have to give her limits and she needs to follow your rules. You have her future in mind and I can assure you that if she is fiddling around with her 18 year old boyfriend, her future is dim. Do you really want her to be a Mother at 13 or 14? You have your work cut out for you. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): Are you nuts? Of course you can say something about her relationship- and you should be talking to his parents, and to the police about it, too ! What kind of parent are you to let a girl that young be having anything to do with this guy? And what kind of retard or predator must he be to be interested in your daughter? No offense intended, but she is only 13. She's in what, 7th grade, while he's a senior in High School? What could they possibly talk about after the first 5 minutes? There is a reason we have laws to make it a crime for older people to be messing with young children, and we expect parents to step in and put a stop to this before it gets to that stage. And, please don't tell me your 13 year old is beyong your control. If you think that, then get to parenting classes. You need the education and the help.
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