A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I hope I can get some guidance on this because I am completely confused and unbearably hurting inside. I'm 21, a college student (about to graduate), and I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for over 5 years. We got together when we were both 16 and we were high school sweethearts. NOTHING anyone could say or do kept us apart, and to this day the most time we've ever spent away from each other is 1 day, and I was miserable the whole time. The relationship is VERY serious-- we are integral parts of each others' families, we lost our virginity together and have sex on a regular basis, we share money and do things together all the time. In fact, since I haven't had a job for the past couple years while I focus on the very demanding degree program I'm involved in, she has paid for everything knowing that I will take care of her when I finish school.I don't know when it happened, but I started slipping away from her emotionally.. I love her dearly, I care about her more intensely than someone could care for another, but I just feel like I'm not the same person I used to be and keep having thoughts of "maybe we just aren't right for each other and we've been forcing this to last". It's not like the relationship has become too strict or mechanical or anything.. we go out together just to have fun, we call each other randomly in the middle of the day just to talk, we spend lots of time at each others' dwellings. We both still live with our parents, and have been talking about moving in together as soon as I graduate and get a job. There's been talk of children and what we'll name them, how we'll raise them, etc. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, but I would always be missing something.. maybe it's just excitement. I know everything about her, there's nothing strange about her.. we know each others' little bad habits and how the other thinks. I keep feeling like the spark just isn't there and the relationship is "running on fumes" so to speak.. I feel like she loves me more than I love her, even, and I feel kind of guilty about that.Now, here's where I screwed up. I should have gotten my feelings straight and made a decision before I took this step. I should have worked out the financial stuff and stopped taking my gf's money to pay my bills, found some way to get on my own feet. But I didn't. I was curious and browsing some personals ads when I stumbled across a gorgeous woman, turning 21 in December, and I shot her an email just to see if she wanted to talk. She did, and we've been exchanging long, deep, emails many times a day. We've been talking online and on the phone, and can hold a conversation for hours. Our life stories are very different but we still connect on so many points and have so much in common. I've yet to meet her in person, but plan to on Sunday. She's the opposite of myself.. high school graduate, no college, full time manager of a retail store but plans to go to school again one day. She's not a girl that you'd stop on the side of the road and go "woah, she's gorgeous" and snap pictures, but she has a very unique beauty to her that drives me crazy every time I look at her pictures. To be honest, it's not even her looks that hooked me.. it's how well we communicate, how we just click on a higher level, how we can complete each others' thoughts and just seem so "right" together. We haven't spoken the "L" word yet, but I'll be completely honest-- I'm completely in love with this woman. The spark, the excitement, the sick feelings when I'm not talking to her, they're all there. I long to hold her and just be with her and just bask in that feeling of being loved and wanted. On top of that, she's a virgin and she's pure.. she wants to wait for marriage and strangely, I completely respect that. If I ended up with her I would wait to marry her before I even thought about it.I haven't told this new woman about my girlfriend.. I feel guilty because I lied to her, and I also feel guilty because I'm lying to my girlfriend. I usually spend the rest of the day after my gf gets off work with her, so I've told this new woman that I have to work nights and can't talk to her. I told my gf that I may have to take a couple nights a week to spend alone at the library or with a group and study. Of course, I'm not going to study, I'm going to spend time with this new woman.. That excuse is going to have a very short duration, because the semester is almost over. I have to make a decision on who I want to be with quickly. A 5+ year relationship, with families involved and expecting marriage, seems like way too much to just throw away. Their views of me and respect for me would pretty much go out the window.. but then again, who cares if I'm truly in love with this new woman?It's all a lot more complex than this, but I want to keep it relatively short. Here are my two choices..1. Stay with my gf while I "feel out" this new girl and find out what she's all about, spend some time in her presence. Who knows, maybe we're really not a perfect fit and it's not going to work out anyone? She's told me she can't imagine not having me in her life, and I can't imagine not having her either. If I decide to stay with my gf, I just tell her I decided to get back with my ex (I told her I had an ex of 5 yrs which recently ended), and we stay friends. If I decide to get with this new girl, I dump my "job" that I supposedly have now, get hired on at her company while I finish school, sell my car (my only liability) and pick up something cheap for the time being, and sign a promisary note to recompensate my gf for all the money she's paid on it so far. Assuming my gf doesn't go and do something irrational.. because she said if I ever dumped her she would probably end her life (and she has tried before, before we were together).2. Just stop all this now, suck up the pain, hide it deep in my head, and tell the new girl I need a little break so I can get my head right. Tell her I'm getting back with my ex and I don't deserve her. Don't tell my girlfriend that this even happened, and just hope I made the right decision.. live my life knowing I quit on a woman who could have been the love of my life, the mother to my children, and my soulmate..Any other recommendations are of course welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): I hope you won't mind me being blunt, but you are being VERY SELFISH and IMMATURE. Have you thought about these two women's feelings?
I am a woman who is dating a guy who was in a very similar situation. He dated a girl for 5 years and was not sexually attracted to her. He didn't even have sex with her because he couldn't (they were each other's first and didn't know better, but quite frankly I thought it was a little bizarre). They broke up a year before we met, but still saw each other because my bf felt too guilty completely abandoning her because she built her whole life expecting they would get married. As he is a "nice guy" he would make these promises he couldn't keep but kept making excuses to her on why they couldn't completely get back together, etc.
Basically, he was a wimp. And so are you right now.
When he and I started dating, I had no idea he had still a messy past with his ex. She didn't realize he was dating someone new until one of her gfs saw a picture of us together on the Internet. She naturally freaked out as she thought they were still working their problems out. At that point, my bf and I were doing VERY well. We clicked on so many different levels. Everything was perfect, and I am normally the type of girl who is very cautious.
Well, predictably he couldn't handle the guilt when she went crazy on him and ended up trying to date us both in secret. If there's one thing I can say to you - CHEATERS ARE ALWAYS CAUGHT. And if you get away with it the first time, you will always have it on your conscience for the rest of your life.
I eventually did catch him and it was a complete blow out. On one hand, I could understand why he cheated. He was a "nice guy" with a soft heart. He couldn't handle hurting his ex-gfs feelings especially after leading her on for so long.
But he was ultimately SELFISH. He could not handle being a MAN and making a decision and living with it.
So please. For the sake of those two women be a MAN and make a decision. You are thinking only of yourself right now and that, quite frankly is fucked up.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I'm the original poster of this question, just didn't want to register.. but I'll respond to what you've given me thus far.
To the first response.. yes I feel like the whole families being involved situation is a big part of why I'd stay with her. The suicide thing, not so much. She has said that she probably would if I ever left her, because she's built her whole life around me and our future plans. For instance, she skipped out on going to college because she thought I would be there to support her. I feel terrible about this, like I'm betraying her and ruining her life if I leave her. I DO kind of feel like I've missed out on things that other people my age have experienced, but its not sex.. I have had sex with two girls while I've been with my gf, when we were going through hard times and not getting along at all.. felt really guilty about it, and covered it up. She doesn't know. This new girl is NOT like that at all. I would have sex with her if she really wanted to.. but it's not a burning desire of mine.. I just want to be part of her life, be there for her through everything, and be free to love her openly. She lives about 30 minutes from me, so I can carry on a relationship with her openly without anyone I know finding out, but I don't want to have to hide it. I love her, I want everyone to know, but I know if I do that I have to make a choice right now.
To the 2nd poster.. I do have deep feelings for my current gf, but the passion is gone, just like you're saying. It's almost as if we're married without the formal "Mr. and Mrs." title. I mean, I guess I can try to rekindle that romance and forget this other woman but she will always be in the back of my mind. I guess I would do less damage to her if I broke it off with her than I would to my current gf if I left her after 5 years. But I'm being stubborn and wanting the best of both worlds.. I want to support my gf and take care of her like I've promised, not run with my tail between my legs like a coward. I want to explore this new relationship and be free to love this woman with all of my heart.
I guess the grand question is.. how can I rekindle the romance in the relationship with my gf and forget about this other girl? I don't even know if it's possible.. I've tried explaining to my gf the way I feel, how I don't feel like we connect like we used to, but she thinks there is nothing wrong and I'm just going through some phase. She tried to understand but she thinks I'm just depressed or going through some personal discovery issues that I will come out of. It just seems so much easier to let her go and get with this new girl. Sure, life will be tough, because I'll have to learn a whole new way of living. I'm trying to weigh that against the pain of letting this new relationship go.
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A
female
reader, peaches83  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Ok a sticky situation you have here.5 years is a long time i agree. I think due to having been together since you were young you have missed out on a hell of a lot. This is the time to start doing it.If yu feel like you are running on fumes with you current girlfriend it seem that the love and compassion has gone. Think to yourself are you staying with her simly because you feel guilty because she has supported you through college?? Becasue you think she will commit or try to commit suicide if you leave?? Also because both your families are close and you dont want them to think bad of you??You have to look what is best for you and in a way for your current girlfriend. Could you be ultimatly happy if you decide to stay with her? Doubtful because you will always be wondering what if. Your families shuld not judge you on what you do they should respect that you have decided to do what makes you happy and what is the right thing.So now you are thinking well what if it doesnt go good with this other girl. Well the you carry on living your life and move onto the next.Usually at the age of 21 many males and females have had more than 5 sexual partners and a few relationships. Do you feel like you have missed out?I really wish you all the best on this and i hope you do the right thing for YOU.Good luckPeaches
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A
female
reader, onkybonx  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 it seems to me both of your options are stay with your girlfriend and both of them you speak of in less than enthusiastic terms, the first option you stay with her becaue it wold be the done thing, the second you suck up the pain and stay with your girlfriend...doesn't the fact that your talking about your girlfriend in such negative terms tell you something? you haven't given an option where staying with your girlfriend is the positive and right thing to do...
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