A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for just under a year. All throughout the relationship he has dragged his feet. At first saying he didn’t want a girlfriend - until I told him then he should just not have one and that if he wants to be single then he should stop sleeping with me – and then when I told him I loved him he said he while he cared for me and liked being with me he wasn’t in love with me. To this day I haven’t met his mum even though he lives with her (he moved back home to help nurse his father in the last stages of MS). He now tells me he loves me, is attentive and says he didn’t want a relationship because all his exes turned out to be nasty but that he’s really glad he’s with me etc etc. I thought we were just getting on track when I did something stupid.I have been cheating on him with a friend of mine. My friend is lovely and is in to all the same random things that I am (and my boyfriend isn’t). He loves going to random music events and dancing til dawn and eating and is an amazing cook. I had a crush on him before I got together with my boyfriend but didn’t think he would be interested and he’s quite shy so nothing ever happened. I was seeing this other guy for about 3 weeks and it was great but the guilt got too much so I ended it with him. I feel really torn though. I know this other guy really likes me and he has been very good about giving me space. I miss him but when I’m with my boyfriend I wonder how I could have done that to him and how I could want anybody else. When I’m with my boyfriend or talking on the phone to him I feel really in love but don’t seem to be able to resist my friend (who I have known for over 2 years) who I have also developed strong feelings for. Part of me wants to pursue a relationship with my friend. I don’t know what to do at all. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (10 February 2009):
 I think the best thing to do is to give yourself a break from the two of them maybe for a couple of weeks and see just who you miss the most.
I personally think you are more suited to the one you are having the affair with he seems more on your wave length and you have a lot in common.
If you continue with your present boyfriend i think over time he will not come up to your expectations but you need to know this for yourself, you haven't even met his mum after a year so the level of his commitment is very low, i know you say he has been worried that you would turn out like his ex's but i don't think that is any reason not to have met her by now.
I think things don't seem quite right with him and you must know this otherwise you would not have asked the question.
Give yourself a break and see how you feel, i think that is probably the best solution and hopefully you can decide one way or another. Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you might be right but my boyfriend doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. I think that perhaps I resent him a bit for dragging his feet so much in the beginning. I have told my friend that we can only be friends and can’t see each other alone for a while and he understands. He says he really likes me but he doesn’t want to put pressure on me and I have to do what is right for myself. I am going to see how things go with my boyfriend over the next couple of weeks and see if I feel that my needs are being met.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Well quite simply your friend is giving everything that you want from your bf but obviously arent getting. I have to say I feel it's things you probably should be getting from this length of involvement too so there is no easy answer. Cheating is obviously not the answer on the other hand but I think it should be the wake-up call to you that things have gone this far; the wake-up being you really need to start asking yourself whether the relationship with your bf is giving you what *you* want and need regardless of your feelings for *him*.
It's a bit of a mess to be honest and your choices are between sitting your bf down and having a serious talk and b ending it and pursuing something with your friend. Either way something has to give here because if you decide to recommit to your relationship with your bf then what you have with your friend. Also, either way one of the two is going to get hurt though to be blunt I am thinking your bf is the less likely to be hurt of the two given what is going on.
It doesnt sound like he is fully committed to the relationship and has a foot jamming the door open so he needs a wake up call as well. It really is your call on this one; if I was in your position i'd probably tilt towards your friend but that is just me. Good luck :)x
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