A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 and never had a boyfriend before nor have I ever dated anyone mostly because I have never been asked out before. I am a shy girl and I don't know how I can even get dates. I am not really a drinker, so I don't go to places that are big on alcohol. I don't work anywhere because I am studying to go to grad school. I want to find love but the problem is I don't know where or how to start. I get so scared to put myself out there due to rejection or no one liking me because I rarely get male attention. I have done some volunteer activities and I joined a few clubs in college, but I was constantly overlooked by men and that really discouraged me from putting myself out there completely. Plus, I know it will be much harder for me to find love since I am shy and men pretty much never show interest in me. I just don't know what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2019): I too suffer from crippling shyness (like MANY people). You are not alone! I am a 25yo grad student and my shyness has become a real problem in my professional life as well as personal. Like WiseOwlE said, the solution is to PRACTICE being social. I know it sounds a little silly, but it does help.
I’ve been using Meetup and BumbleBFF to meet people casually. In case you don’t know, Meetup is an app for local clubs or social groups to organize events. In my town there is a 20s-30s social club that goes bowling, etc and I sometimes attend. It is TORTURE for me. It is awkward and I really have to force myself to go and have awkward conversations with random strangers. But it has helped a lot. I’m still shy but little by little it is getting better. I even have a girlfriend now.
BumbleBFF is for meeting individuals with the hopes of becoming friends. I have met a few fellow grad students from my university through this app and occasionally meet for lunch or something. Again, it is weird and awkward. But PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
Another thing you could try is a toast masters club. I have not tried that myself but a friend of mine goes to one and says it’s good.
A
male
reader, Harry29  +, writes (24 February 2019):
 I know all about shyness; I used to work as a research/design engineer in electronics and radio, so I could just keep my head down and immerse myself in my work, only relating to others when absolutely necessary!A lot of my work was via contract work for the MOD. I was ok with the Defence aspect, but when a new contract came in for work on weapons guidance systems, I simply did not want to be part of anything that would kill people - so I left.I decided on a change of career and ventured into teaching, which is a strange choice for one so shy!I had to grow a pair very quickly, or not have any class control - and no job!Besides electronics, I taught photography to some Special Needs kids, who were not in the least bit academic, but with photography they had a creative outlet.In connection with that, a little story that always makes me well up..... One of the Special Needs students, self-confessed as ugly as sin, sat for me in class (I would NEVER exclude her, she had as much right as anyone else to be photographed) and she loved it.Well, I used all of the enhancement tricks that I knew, and later, in the darkroom, when the image of her started to appear in the developer tray, she screamed out loud - "you have made me look almost fanciable"! I almost cried: sometimes, teaching is such a joy! She wanted loads of prints for her many relatives, and I must have blown quite a bit of my budget on materials, but how could I deny her? This is relavant to your problem because after seeing her images, she became noticeably more confident and outgoing.That is exactly what YOU need to do, and you will be surprised how many youm attract - provided that you respond and not cower away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2019): You're overlooked, because you're hiding. If you're letting shyness dominate your social-life; then that's usually what happens. You have to practice being sociable, approachable, and visible. Step out of your comfort-zone.
How do you join clubs and do volunteer-work, and be totally ignored? How is that possible?
Only because you're flying under the radar; and generally, people try not to intimidate the timid. Guys will approach if they think you're approachable. If you blend into the wallpaper, or shrink when people look your way; never contributing to conversation or showing-off your personality, nobody knows what you're all about. You're that "shy-girl" over there. That's all.
It's tough to talk so someone who doesn't relax and respond when spoken to, due to shyness. It's frustrating, and it makes you feel like a monster or a creep. You feel stupid talking to yourself; while she stands silent, and all the blood drained out of her face. Choking on shyness, with a facial-expression like she wishes she had someplace to run for cover.
Practice being sociable and friendly. Come out of your shell and grow-up. You're not a child anymore. Shyness is killing your love-life; and when you decide to overcome it, that's when things will change.
Continue to participate in clubs, accept invitations to parties; but you don't have to drink. Make friends regardless of gender; and have some fun. Relax and chill in the company of others. Speak-up!
Men can't show interest in silent or invisible-women. Hiding from them and freezing-up when approached; or giving-off a spooked-vibe when people focus attention on you.
Don't look frumpy, or plain-Jane. Be stylish and confident.
Women write DC, wondering why guys aren't so into tees and jeans? No you don't have to look like a streetwalker!!! Men love jeans, when they fit nicely; but they also like to see you look like a woman too!
If you dress tomboyish and over-casual, "cause that's your style;" then fine, date yourself. Sometimes you have to go a little extra; as long as it is appropriate and tasteful. Men would like to envision what you'd look like on a date. If you want to date, you have to look and behave maturely; and be comfortable in your own skin.
Fearing rejection before it happens is silly. Let it happen, then react. You'll find that it's not crippling or fatal.
Be heard and be seen. Deal with rejection; because it happens to everybody. How can anyone reject or dislike someone who cowers away from people before they even get a chance to know who they are?
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