A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 years old and I'm in my first proper relationship, with a guy who is also 22. We've been dating for nearly five months now, and are in our final year of college.The problem is, I'm far too clingy. I didn't realise this was a problem for him until last night when he told me that he was "feeling pressured" by me to be with me 24/7. One of our problems is that we see the way that we spend time together differently. I am very keen to be able to eat dinner with him, because it's the one time that we can be together without anyone else there (we live in a communal house and time alone together is difficult to get), but he sees it as me trying to monopolize his time even more, when to me it's the only time of day that we have to ourselves.I also have a lot of self-confidence issues, that come out of the only other sort-of relationship that I've had, which was three years ago when a guy pretended that he really liked me, then locked me in my dorm room and made me give him a blow job, then never spoke to me ever again. A lot of my clinginess with my current boyfriend is because I'm just so grateful that someone sees me as more than just someone they can manipulate into sexual favors, and when he says that he doesn't want to spend time with me, I immediately think that I am doing a bad job as a girlfriend and that he doesn't understand just how grateful I am to him and that he's the first thing in a long time that will make me feel safe. He knows that I have been taken advantage of before but I downplayed what actually happened as he doesn't believe in that sort of sexual activity before marriage and I think that he would not want to go out with me if he found out just how much it messed with my head and that I am still recovering from that.I'm terrified of driving him away, and of course I want him to be able to have a life outside of being with me. But it feels like my arm is cut off if he even leaves the room, and I have had panic attacks when he's been gone for the whole day before. I know that this is my problem and he's done nothing wrong at all, he just wants to be able to have a healthy relationship with me. I have had counselling for depression and anxiety but have stopped because although my counsellor in the UK (where I'm from) was great, my counsellor in the USA (where I am now and where he is from) doesn't want to talk about my problems at all, but is just constantly trying to get me to go on antidepressants like it will solve all of my problems.How do I let him have a life outside of me, while making him understand just how important my relationship with him is? It's the only thing that's holding me together at the moment.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 November 2011):
Hi there. Your depression is probably situational, rather than clinical.
By that, I mean that your depression - however infrequent - is most likely caused by the uncertainty in your life and where you are going, and on what path.
It does seem that your happiness is completely dependent upon his being there with you, and little else.
What probably needs to happen, is that you find something else to be interested in. Some newness in your life. Perhaps you could begin some hobbies, something that is fun and would completely absorb some of your time. Something that will bring you fulfilment and joy. That will add meaning to your life.
If you have a hobby or interest, it will give you something else to be happy about in your life.
At the moment, it is your boyfriend being there that is your whole sense of happiness. Or at least that's the way it seems.
You need to add more to your life. Variety is the spice of life, after all.
He apparently has his own life, and you also need to have a life - separate from your relationship - that you can enjoy as well.
See your own friends once a week.
By having other things in your life, you will have more to talk about when you do see each other. And it WILL take a lot of the pressure off him to feel he has to be there with you constantly.
The perceived need by him to be with you, will undoubtedly put a strain on your relationship - as you are seeing now, and over time, could eventually spell the end of it altogether. And I'm sure that's NOT what you want, is it?
So perhaps from now on - as well as having some hobbies - you could both agree to see each other once a week only, or maybe twice. And when you do see each other (the date), go somewhere else - not just meeting at the dinner table. Meet up for coffee or dinner. Anywhere really, as long as you go out. So you are then making it special.
In life there needs to be balance.
A balance between:-
Friends - family - relationships - social life - work - hobbies and interests.
It's not healthy to put all the emphasis on relationships only - especially romantic relationships.
Without a healthy balance, life can become a chore.
Everything in moderation.
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