A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating for about 9 months now and it is not a casual thing and does look like things will progress more eventually. After saying this, I am at a loss over a certain trait. She can be rather jealous and unduly curious about what I do, and where I am, when I`m not with her. I have to show her my phone call records and explain who everyone is. I have to introduce her to everyone. I am not allowed to have a facebook account on my own, it is in both our names. My email, she has the password to that too. That is no problem to me. What is the problem, is that she has her own facebook account too. Her email is private and her mobile phone is coded. If I try asking her about anything about her day all hell will break loose, and I`m accused of not trusting her and told that I`m being mentally abusive. I am fed up with this double standard. We are both mature in age and not children. What is wrong with her?
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Why the hell are you even bothering with this woman, she sounds like an absolute nightmare! She doesn't deserve to have a lovely man like you. I'd get out quick and find yourself somebody more worthy of your affection. There are hundreds of women out there much better than her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 She acts that way because you let her.
The longer you CATER to her attitude that YOU needs constantly monitored, but SHE can do as she pleases the more she will start to control your life.
I understand that she cheated in the past relationship but you are NOT ex husband nor do you plan to cheat (I presume). She is worried that IF she doesn't check you and double check you that KARMA will kick her ass for her past behavior. Which means she KNOWS all the tricks of a cheater and she wants to make sure YOU do not cheat on her. OBVIOUSLY her cheating on you would just be funny.. .right?
Is this how you want to live life? With the double standard SHE decides? She enforces?
You might both be mature in age, but she is behaving like a brat. AND you are enabling her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): She finds it amusing that she committed adultery?You sound like a lovely, kind and caring and patient man. I don't think "passive" is quite the right word as you sound like you are actively caring for her and aware of her behaviour, so it's not as if you are just coasting along and letting things carry you away. But you do come across as if you could be mistaken for being so and this woman has mistaken you for a doormat that she can basically do what she likes with. I'll hold back the insulting phrases that come to mind when I think of her actions and what she's doing. Suffice to say that she is NOT going to bring out the best in you because she definitely does not treat you like an equal and she is not recognising your strength - the care and patience that you extend to her are strengths, not passive behaviour, but the point is that another woman would really, really appreciate those strengths and respect you as a man. She's just made the mistake of thinking she can walk all over you.If you need evidence that she doesn't have your best interests at heart then yeah, check out her behaviour without her knowing. But the evidence is really already staring you in the face. Again, holding back the insulting words here, she is not a nice person and you can do far better. Find a woman who is going to treat you as equal and respect your strengths and bring out the best in you.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (7 June 2014):
 I first answered your question before I had seen what you had come back and written.
There is a chance she is judging you from her own morals, and YES, I would also check her out too, without her knowing. Her accusing you of being mentally abusive by asking her anything sounds very suspicious. As if it`s her way of stopping the conversation before it gets out of her comfort zone.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (7 June 2014):
That is exactly how my ex behaved. I later found he was addicted to dating sites and desperately trying to cheat on me.
She needs checking out, because people who cheat sometimes think because they are like that, then everyone else must be.
Like someone has already said.. A cheats greatest fear is being cheated on.
If you decide to check on her, do not let her know, otherwise she will just change her tactics.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (7 June 2014):
It sounds to me like she`s either been cheated on, or cheated on someone in the past. Are you afraid of losing her a lot more than she`s afraid of losing you?
I agree with wiseOwlE, you are far too passive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): I am the guy who`s asking the question and maybe I should have also wrote that we do not live together yet - but have discussed it. She was also married once and openly admits her ex husband divorced her for adultery and seems to think it`s funny.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): She is a tyrant. You come across as too passive, and she thinks she's covering all her bases to avoid your cheating on her.
She has been hurt in the past; and in her mind this is how she can keep everything under control. She is a total dingbat. She is countering off any competition, and putting you in your place where you belong. She is placing your balls in her purse.
You don't have to submit to being questioned, nor tolerate the gestapo tactics. If you do, you are going to endure this for as long as your relationship lasts. Which I guarantee will not be long. Unless you get bound and gagged and dragged to the alter.
Let me guess. You're financially comfortable, you've been single for a long-time, and there aren't many other eligible men in your area? This makes you prime beef as far as the ladies go.
Don't even think about marrying this woman. It amazes me that you don't see this behavior as a red-flag!
What's up with her? Isn't it obvious? She's a control-freak and could be setting you up for a world-wind mind-bending fast-track to the alter. She is making sure you can't change your mind. There will be no influences that could avert your attention, and she is centering herself as your one and only interest on the planet.
She is making sure all her ducks are in a row. She knows you're a mature gentleman; just aching to settle down, and get out of the dating scene. This is often where men like you end up in a sh*t-hole of a marriage. She's nice just long enough to suck you in. Then suddenly she changes. Out pop the horns and tail.
If there is a double-standard, blame it on your passivity.
If you let it happen, you can't really complain about it. Now can you?
You want a relationship too badly, and you're willing to please. You're suddenly noticing behavior you would never want in a marriage. If she is this bad now, imagine what it would be like when you can't just decide you want to walk away. This lady wants a husband. She is making sure that will be final conclusion. She knows who you're with, and what you're doing at all times. You don't get that privilege. She calls all the shots!
Man...what is wrong with you???
Stop, look, and listen! There's a train coming, you're standing in-front of it; and you're about to get run-over!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): That sounds odd . Do you live together ? I would simply change the passwords she had and say to her when she demands your details for an account that you will give them once she provides hers and do not budge .
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A
male
reader, Mick Mc  +, writes (7 June 2014):
I will drop you a hint. A cheats greatest fear is being cheated on.
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