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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm always second best to my friends or sister, and I'm so tired of that! Well during high school the story of my life was that boys always liked my friends instead of me. Then by the end of high school I met the guy who was my first and only boyfriend. He asked me out and we started going out, and everything was awesome. But then months into the relationship I learned that he asked me out to get over the girl that he actually liked, who didn't like him back. And now, I had a friend with benefits situation with a guy. He knows my sister from before he met me. The thing is, we were talking about some stuff last night, like kinks and such and he asked me whether I knew what kind of stuff my sister was into (sexually). I told him I didn't really know much about it, and asked him if he likes my sister. He said yeah, and I thought "Oh OK", and left it at that, and then, out of the blue, he said: "I just don't think I'm good enough for her, she seems so experienced if you know what I mean, I'm probably below her expectations", which made me feel bad. I mean, all this time I thought this guy liked me for who I am or even just for what I look like, not because I'm an "easier" version of my sister (easier as in less experienced or with "lower expectations", not because I'm a slut). And then again there are the countless guys who flirt with my friends, and when my friends turn them down, they go after me, like I didn't realize that I'm just receiving "leftover attention", as I call it (because their attention is like the leftovers of my friends). I'm tired of not being guys' number 1 choice, that they only go after me because someone either turned them down first, or because they feel intimidated by a particular person. I don't know if it's because I'm uglier, more boring, or what, but I just hate not being a guy's true interest, I hate being settled for, and the problem is that in many situations guy just don't come up and say it, I only end up learning I'm their "second best" after some time has passed. For example, had I known that I was my ex's second choice or this friend with benefit's second choice first-hand I would have turned them down right then and there. How can I raise my self esteem? I swear this thing with my former friend with benefits made me remember all the times in which I've been the loser girl that guys have gone after just because they were settling, and it makes me feel so bad that I can't be like my sister, who always has guys drooling at her feet, adoring her for who she is, not because they were turned down by someone else. I feel like a consolation prize, and it's not a nice feeling, it makes me feel worthless, ugly, stupid, boring... and I'd get it if I were a slut, but I'm not. Also, how can I detect these guys before time has passed and I've invested anything in them (whether emotionally or sexually)? Like I said, in most cases, I was really convinced that they actually liked me, and a lot of time had to pass before I got to know the truth.Does this mean I'm ugly? I'm really getting paranoid...
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flirt, friend with benefits, her ex, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): I asked this question...
But how do I know that I'm just as good as they are? It's entirely possible that I may be uglier, for example. And with the friend with benefits, I played hard to get, I didn't just open my legs. What hurts is that he went after me only because he thought I was not as good as my sister. Same with my ex, we talked for months before we started going out, so he had the chance to get to know me. Maybe I'm shyer than my friends, but I've seen other shy women, or women who have low confidence get noticed really fast and get a lot of attention... I don't know, if this pattern has repeated so many times in my life, with men from different backgrounds, maybe it measn I'm defective in some way. I'm not a slut, I'm not easy, I don't give in at the first signal of "interest". I just don't know what's wrong with me :(
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 No it does not mean you are ugly. It just means that they where not the guy for you. Maybe your friends are more out going and confident than you and that is why they are getting noticed. Confidence is the key to grab a guys attention, and if you are lacking in self esteem and confidence then it will make it even harder for a guy to approach you.
As for this friend with benefits, well it was basically no strings attached sex. He was not interested in you for a relationship so yes he would have saw you as someone he could have sex with. You lowered your expectations when you agreed to these terms and this would have made him lose respect for you and not see you as girlfriend material.
Stop taking everything so personal and blaming guys for seeing you as second best. Because a lot of this is you being paranoid, I know you do not want to hear that, but a guy will like a girl once he gets to know her and like her as a person, you need to allow a guy to have that chance with you. This is where I am feeling your friends are more confident with men. You have had a bad experience but you should not just give up over that and feel you will always be second best because that is just not the case. There are more than these two men in the world, you just need to look harder and have more self esteem and confidence, you need to believe in yourself and allow yourself to see that you are just as good as your sister and your friends, don't give up hope.
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