A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right well I havent been on here in a few years! so here goes..I am 24, my partner is 51.. i am not really looking for any posts on the relationship is wrong etc.. brief history.. he is a family friend.. we started "dating" 3.5 years ago, had a good relationship, got on well, got on well with his friends enjoyed our time together, went on many holidays New York, Paris, Germany, Poland, London together. I really do / did think i loved him.. like any couples we have our little niggles nothing major..Family member seen my car at his a few years back caused major upset so from then on kept our relationship very secret.However lateley I have been feeling that I would like to end the relationship.. I have been thinking about my future and I cant ever bring myself to tell my family about the relationship.. therefore i feel it has no future... and although i care for him and enjoy his company i dont see the point in carrying this on with all the risks it involves.. I feel always torn between trying to spend time with him and my family and pleasing everyone.I am fed up with lying to my family and sneaking around and would just like a normal life.. i also have important exams comming up in May and would like some time to myself to prepare.Do you think i am doing the right thing? i am abviously worried about telling him as he has done nothing wrong at all, any suggestions on how to break this to him would be helpful!? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): good luck.
now go out there and enjoy your life with a single YOUNG Man and see what you have been missing all these years. you will be surprised, you may just like em young (lol)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys well i just thought i would let you know that i ended the relationship, :( he said he loved me madly and would really miss me but was so understanding and said he supported what i thought was the best decision, which made me feel so bad... i think i have made the right decision and given time we said we could be friends...
thanks for all your advice,
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit was not an affair, hes never been married and he hadnt been with anyone for some time before he met me i say about it being wrong and a family member seeing my car there as bad because of the age difference nothing more!! And no of course i didnt use him for his money!!! im nothing like that i got to know him we got on great loved spending time with each other and i fell for him.. he spends money on me yes on bday, xmas and takes us on holiday but i return all that buying him things of similar value!!
i dont need money and i am not after his! i have good savings and a well paid job that also pay me to study at the same time..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): this man was married before or still is ??? ".....Family member seen my car at his a few years back caused major upset so from then on kept our relationship very secret....." did you use him for his money, or was he just an experiment. just curious since you say "i am not really looking for any posts on the relationship is wrong etc.. " i think his marital status before and after your affair started is vital.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionchick989 - we now and then go out in public.. mainly if we are away on holiday but we have had a couple of meals out with his friends... been the cinema, go to his friends houses, new years part, normal everyday shopping together that is about it.. its complicated because of the lies,
since i last spoke to you i have changed my mind back and forth soooo many times! but i think yes i am closer to making that decision.. reading things to do with breakups peoples experiences thinking about the way i feel.. and
sindy you really helped...
i had been sitting here tonight writing down what i would like to say to him.. i do want to end the relationship.. i was round his house tonight and i knew that would be the last time i would sit there with him as a couple in my mind.. sindy yes that is what i dont want.. i already came close to loosing the respect of my family and i really do not want that to happen i love them all and we are close. i sort of know what u mean about obsessive as such.. well hes not but if i cant see him one night at the weekend he does tend to get very funny about it.. i sometimes have to lie where i am to make things easier! and thats definately not a way to be in a relationship..
so yes at this moment in time i feel i will be ending the realtionship next week... i do feel incredibly guilty right now! i would like to stay in contact but i will have to go with his reaction
thank you both for your insites, advice and experiences.
I will let you know sometime next week what definately happened and how it went!
thank you!! xx
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A
female
reader, sindy0101 +, writes (9 January 2010):
Hi, i am 35 years old and have read your article with sadness. I went through the same situation as you when i was 18 also.
I was seeing a guy of 51 years of age that i met at a friends New Years Party. My friends and family didnt approve but the more they were against us the more i dug my heels in.
Our relationship lasted for just over 2 and a half years. I thought i was madly in love with him and he with me. I made a vast amount of sacrifices to put him first whenever i could and in doing this lost the respect of my family and friends that i deeply regretted.
He became obsessive because of the age difference and i felt i couldnt breath.
I would have to constantly have to go into detail about my every movement, about how i was with when i wasnt with him, how long for etc etc. In time i realised that this wasnt how my life was supposed to be.
I opened my eyes up to the fact that i was too young to be sat in with a man whos youth had gone and was only interested in what was on the television. My friends were out enjoying themselves, my family would go on any family occasion or event without me and life was passing me by and i was missing out on so much. He also had too much baggage that was causing many complications and the bad was out waying the good.
I cant advise you because i dont know you and we only do what we feel is right.
What i will say is that we only pass this way once, you have a life in front of you to enjoy. You have to search deep inside and find out what you are getting out of this relationship. Something is obviously not right for you to be seeking advise from people who you dont even know, so im guessing your friends have told you things you dont want to hear.
You will be held back by the differences in age and although you think you want to be together with all the responsibilities that go with it, you will end up resenting what might of been. Dont miss out on life and what is waiting for you.
Good luck and best wishes to you
x
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female
reader, chick989 +, writes (8 January 2010):
as far as the having children situation goes - we will cross that bridge when we come to it. look at all the people that would love to have children but can't. if i really do love him then the issue with him being an old parent or us not having children won't be a problem to me.
do u go out with him in public? u say u watch t.v, home then bed - that's what it's usually like for me and my bf because of money but i look forward to the times when we can do things together.
it is hard to let someone go - i found it hard with my ex but it was only really the routine that i missed.
u say it's complicated? why if noone knows?
what do u disagree over?
are you any closer to making a decision?
xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have always had this feeling as you probably also think how could it work.. but it has been stronger the last few weeks
you say you would like to have kids when you are about 30? well he will be 62 then... so can you really see him being the father of your children? This may make you think it cant work?
and yeah i do feel i want more from life.. like i enjoy his company dont get me wrong... but the weekends usually consist of him picking me up at his friends (where i leave my car so its not seen at his again!) going to his dinner tv, bed home.. i can see it continuing like this for a few years to come if i stay with him..
i really do have my doubts whether to finish with him, im going to feel it, lonely.. i will miss him.. i dont know whether he will want to speak as friends i know that would be hard for him.. aghhh its a mess! but if i knew what i knew now 4 years ago i would never have dated him to be honest.. its just way too complicated!
the mortgage at home thing i want to do and its not like i can see myself getting a place with him.. if he were my age i think i would want to be in the relationship.. although we have our disagreements! but you cant change the facts hes 51. i will feel so guilty if / when? i go through with this and will worry about him.....
i think you are very brave to tell your family, you show more commitment then me anyway!! xxxx
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female
reader, chick989 +, writes (5 January 2010):
to me it doesn't sound as though you really want to be with him, it sounds like you think you would be doing yourself a favour. people tell me that i'm going to wake up one day and it seems as though you have done exactly that. do you feel as though as time has gone by you feel you want more from life that he can never give you.when my boyfriend and i tell each other we love one another we can feel it - i have butterflys everytime he looks in my eyes, do you feel that with yours?can't you just scrap the mortgage at home and get one with him?i'd say go with your heart, if you feel it is the right thing and you don't have feelings for him anymore then end it. i sometimes doubt the age thing - for example, my two grandads died at the ages of 52 and 59, i'm scared of being left alone if anything happens to him. on the other hand i take a look at the soldiers fighting for our country and how anything could happen, e.g getting knocked down by a bus. look at jade goody and how she died so young - none of us know what's round the corner so i say lets be happy for the time we have got together.unfortunately as i said to u my man is broke - last summer he had to move back home with his mother - he's really depressed about the whole thing. when he gets his flat (hopefully by the end of the year) i will be moving in. when he had his own place before i was living there about 5 nights a week.we both want to marry but the amount of debt he's in won't cover my dream wedding and i will inherit all of his debts which i can't see him clearing anytime soon. at the moment his siuation is so bad he couldnt even afford an engagement ring.on the children front i want to live my life a bit first - travel etc. by the time my ideal age of having childre (at least 30 by the time i have finished uni and had a go at making the most of my career). i want him to travel with me - this doesnt look realistic. all of his income goes on his current children so not a lot left over :(could u picture yourself having a life with an older man?i love my man to bits, we have both talked about how we wish he was younger so we could build a life together. i guess your bloke is stable so that wouldn't be an issue for u but this is our major downfall.how long have u felt this way xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont feel i can tell anyone cause as happened with you it would cause a lot of problems for me...I care for him, we say we love each other but at the end of the day who knows what love is? Im scared of hurting him but for me i feel the only way forward is to end it.. i want a normal life, a less stressful life, i want a boyfriend my age.. I was pregnant once by him.. i was at university i was nearly 21. i wasnt ready for a child and it could never of worked with him..moving in has jokingly been mentioned when the parents are arguing at home etc.. i am recently taking over the mortgage of my parents house.. everything in my name due to circumstances at home, when i told my partner this he said wont that make it hard for you to get a mortgage in the future? what about when we want to get a house together? i just said how can we do that? i cant tell my family, had a slight discussion about how oh are we just going to stay how we are then etc.. this was a few months ago..i see him at weekends.. friday, saturday night.. and spend some sundays there, occassionally other days depending on what is happening. i feel like the right thing to do is end the relationship now as i cant ever see it going anywhere.. yes it will hurt but i need to think of what i need.. i hope in time he will forgive me and perhaps we can even talk from time to time but i will leave that up to him.. i think i am going to do it next week..do you and your guy talk about wanting kids etc?i would be greatful for any other replies off aunts and uncles too! thanks!!
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A
female
reader, chick989 +, writes (5 January 2010):
i'm 18 and my boyfriend is 50, we've been together a year.
you say you've been with your partner 3.5year, has your feelings for him changed (negatively) as time has gone on?
i have recently told my parents because like you i am sick of sneeking around, watching my back every time i go down the street with him and lying etc. my mum has known for a while and has given me comments like 'you're wasting your life, he's trying to feel young through you, he's perverted you're gonna be nursing him when he's old etc etc. my dad found out last week - 'pervert, sick' if you ask me like many men, he would find it an accompishment if i wasn't his daughter.
why do you feel you can't tell your parents?
to be honest my family knowing has caused a lot of shit, we argue over them but when left alone it's like nothing can stand in our way, i love him dearly.
you're 24 so as far as i'm concerned you have got some life experience, whereas people think as i've not long been 18 that i will be more aware of what i want as a few years go by.
do you really love him? if so who really cares what people think, they should be happy that you've found someone who treats you right especially as it's not been a two minute wonder.
my boyfriend and i split up once to keep everyone happy but what about your happiness.
before you make a descision ask yourself are you doing this for others or because deep down inside it's what you want.
you seem to have a nice life with him - holiday wise. unfortunately my partner's broke - this causes other issues because people can't understand why i want to be with him. all i can say is people can't see what we're like when we're alone with eachother so i wouldn't expect them to understand.
how often do you see him?
have you discussed moving in with him, having children, marriage etc.
would be really grateful if you could give me some feed back as it may help with my problem too.
hope i've been some help,
best wishes
xxx
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