A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Now this isnt a post of how the jerks get the guys and nice guys dont ... ha lets be fair the main thing that women like in these is the confidence and assertieness that they have .. but what winds me up is Im never going to one of them guys , you know the one that takes direction , and shouts the orders . Of which most girls lke because they like to feel the man is in control .no i am always going to be that 'nice guy' who checks that they are ok , asks them what they want to do , etc etc and it winds me up , I tend to meet girls that friend zone me of seem part interetsed in me then get another man . ( ok its only 2 girls this year ) but still ha .I generally worry that people are ok over my own needs , not to be liked but I always would have other people be ok rahter than me .I dont know what to do , to build my confidence , i can go the gym again but end up feeling whats the point i dont meet many women anyway .I know this shouldnt be my maoin concern in life but I have been single for 3 years now , and I lost an ex of a high standard becasue I had no confidence , and I know she has moved on with no problems so i have always got that in the back of my head , I am near going to the stage of sod girls they are all cows .. only problem is I fancy them ha .i dont know Im just sick of always been labled the nice, that girls keep as a maybe back up .how do I gain more confidence .thanks if you took time to reas this .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I don’t disagree that confidence and assertiveness are big and having more confidence will help. If you want to have more confidence with women, then you need to get out there and meet and interact with women a lot more than you are doing now, which seems like you have given up on. You can get pages of literature or advice on confidence building but it will not be effective or transformational until you actually build the confidence through doing and experience, which includes approaching, interacting, flirting, and going on dates women. It may be seem like catch-22 but even interactions that don’t go well will provide experience and a chance to improve if you have a positive attitude, remain open minded and learn from those experiences. As another poster said, you need to put yourself out there and take chances. Spot on. That will greatly increase your confidence in a short amount of time.If your goal is not to be friend zoned as much, then consider the possibility that the issue is likely more than just lack of confidence. There isn’t enough information in your posting to pin-point exactly why you find yourself in the friend zone (what your doing, saying, not doing, etc.) but from what you have written, I am lead to believe that there is more going on. Some of what you wrote is troubling in that you seem to have strong beliefs or mental barriers that need reconsideration. Also don’t be so focused on confidence that you ignore and don’t apply other good advice. One thing is certain, it is NOT “all about confidence” or only about confidence. I guarantee it. Lets look at some of your beliefs that I find troubling:You say there is no point in going to the gym and that you don’t meet women. Consider the gym to help confidence in other ways. Self-confidence is a complex, multifaceted construct. Exercise can help you to feel healthier, have more energy, raise you testosterone and improve your self-image, which in turn factors in your overall self-confidence and spills over into how you carry yourself, body language, way you move, stand, walk and interactions with people, including women. Still want to argue “what’s the point”? You say you are never going to be one of the guys (jerks). You describe things like “shouting orders” and “take direction” as part of what makes women fall for them. Wrong. You do not need to be a jerk, shout, give or take direction in any detrimental or rude way. Nor should you hold on to any belief that certain guys can be confident and assertive while you cant. You can display assertiveness and confidence without being anywhere near a jerk or even a different person.You seem to always put others needs over your own and you don’t want to do anything about it. This type of persistent attitude, though ok in some situations when you want to be altruistic, is likely coming off as unattractive to women and contributing to your nice guy image even if you don’t intend to project such image. Change it. Put your needs, wants, desires first and do what you want more often. Even say it out loud if needed. Say no if you don’t want to do something. Do what you want to do and go where you want to go and ask people to come along with you. Put your happiness fist more. Among other things, this will project strength, leadership, confidence, assertiveness.A change away from current undesired nice guy behavior, however small of a change, is a catalyst to move out of the friend zone and closer towards more confidence and the relationship you want. You can still be nice, but without overdoing it. The reality is that beliefs and behaviors can cause you to be seen as a friend over a potential mate, which is likely happening right now.Here are some big things to consider:Are you expressing you romantic/sexual interest to the women you like? Do they even know you like them more than friends? You can express it by saying it directly, indirectly or even though physical means such as getting close, touching to make a connection or displaying interest, making strong eye contact, flirting, or a number of other behaviors that display interest.Are you mostly having pleasant or boring conversations or holding back over fear of rejection? Free yourself of any obligation to be mostly nice in interaction or hold yourself from expressing different parts of you. Ironically, you can be more “you” buy not feeling like you need to be a certain way or falling into patterns in the way you interact. Display the breadth of emotions that make you who you are, without fear of what others will think. Are you leading and making decisions with women enough? That is, not frequently asking women “what do you want to do?” or “where should we go?” or “can we do this and this?” Instead take the decision making burden of her. You can take what she likes into consideration in activities but both of you and her can have a great time by doing what interests you. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness in order to please another person.How is your body language? Consciously tracking your body, posture and movements at random times and making small corrections can not only have a big impact on how others see you, but it can actually increase your self-confidence. Experiment with removing nervous movement, fidgeting or hesitation and try to remain more calm, cool and relaxed. Simply relaxing yourself and body (being at ease and present in the moment) and smiling more when you interact with people can help them to also feel at ease with you. You can train your body to stand, walk, and move with more ease, comfort and confidence.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): I can completely relate. It's just who I am and I guess it's just my way of showing people that I care. I don't see why completely changing your personality should be a prerequisite for being loved. I can't say that I have any solutions for you, but I can tell you that you're not alone in that boat; nor are you the oldest (I'm going on 30).My advice is to just do things that interest you and work towards accomplishing other life goals. It doesn't make your loneliness any easier to accept, but it may take your mind off it if only for a few hours at a time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): How about if you stop seeing women as potential dates and objects on which your entire self esteem depends, and instead try to see them in a platonic light - as just PEOPLE. People who can be interesting because of who they are, so you talk to these women with the same attitude as you would talk to a your male friends and acquaintances - meaning, to have a conversation with, to share opinions on different things with just for the FUN of interacting with other people. When you approach women with the only goal to get a sexual attraction response from them, you're setting yourself up for failure because you put so much pressure on yourself that you have "performance anxiety" and you have a history of failure in this endeavor so there is very little chance you will succeed by continuing on this downward spiral. To be less insecure you need to lighten up and relax around women. And to do that you need to stop seeing them as objects to gain a sexual attraction from. Just see them as PEOPLE, that's all. People to have a chat with, without ANY ulterior motive beyond simply having a chat. Try starting with that for awhile until you have more social skills developed and confidence THEN you can try "going on the prowl" for women again.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 October 2013):
Dear OP,
Some good things have already been said. So I just add a few thoughts that came to mind while reading..
Put yourself first. Be a bit more egoistical - in a good way. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be helpful anymore. Just that you should always check "how do I feel about this? Am I really okay with this? Or do I want something else?". Because if you don't look after yourself, then you kind of expect others to guess everything you need and to give it to you somehow. And it's hard to guess from the outside what a person needs and wants. So, make it easy for everyone: Either look after yourself or at least tell other people clearly what you want.
.. for example, a lot of guys just don't DO friendzone. They tell the girl they're interested, if she says no, then they're off. Because being friends is just not satisfying for them. They like themselves enough to get away from such an unhappy kind of friendship. Friendzone is not just a thing that happens to someone, like a car accident. It's something that you can start and end yourself. By being honest about what you want right from the start.
If YOU don't know what you want, if YOU don't say what you want - how is the girl supposed to know? When you just hang there and make nice conversation.. how should the woman know you really want something else? Is that written on your forehead somehow? Do you expect a girl to say "hey, I've noticed you're always really nice to me and you act like you're my best friend. But could it be that deep down you're romantically interested in me and that you hope for a date?"
In an ideal world, maybe this would happen.. but in the real world, it doesn't. If you're unhappy with such a situation, then it's you who needs to change it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 I don't really know what to tell you, but I can say this.. you're throwing yourself a nice pity party.
If you want things to change then change them... Don't sit around and complain. You need to do something that is different, in order to achieve a different result. Complaining about the situation will never make it better.
Don't throw yourself an extended pity party. Feeling sorry for one self is okay, every now and then. Everyone does this. But then get a grip and fix the things you want to fix and do the things you want to do, rather than just talk about it. Stop with the excuses and just do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Hello Guys , Im the person who asked the Question .Yes I know its all about confidence and not the whole jerl thing .My problem is I lack confidence ,and when I deal with women or girls they seem intersted then loose it . either I am too keen or not firm enough . It just winds me up becasue the only way I can get better is by doing well with a girl but that never happens .I have just had the typical thing happen , talk to a girl says she likes me but isnt ready then bam , she has found a chap she likes. I knew is was going to happen but stayed around a while . heck she wasnt even meeting me .I dont know I may just give up becasue I always end up feeling a pratt and so it knocks my confidence more .I never had this problem years ago . thanks anyway guys
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): I think guys get confused with either being ' alpha, male or the 'beta' .. In reality it doesn't really always go that you are one or another .. Just like the seasons change . So can we ; so as a male you can be that alpha leader protective, strong, but also you can be more beta sensitive listener who wants to make their partner happy ..What you really need to work on is your attitude .. I mean come on, girls who are 'cows' and bah bah .. I mean that just stinks .. Sometimes we met the right one and it works and sometimes for girls as well they kiss a lot of frogs until Prince Charming appears ..Now it maybe that your negativity is keeping you from meeting the right person . Life is about chances . And if you don't ' put' yourself out there you ain't going to get anyone ...Yes it's important to be loved and feel loved n adored .. But you first gotta love yourself, instead of looking at all these qualities as oo I'm a nice guy nobody wants me .. Say to yourself hell look at all the qualities I have .. I'm considerate, a good listener, sensitive, charming, witty, etc etc, who wouldn't want me .. And also tell yourself friendship is the foundation for more ... If your interested in a girl, ask them for a date!! Say 'next Friday you n me some pop corn, that little cinema place called whatever, deal?,' look the girl in the eye, tilt your head slightly and smile cheekily .. Then instead of focusing all on this, get out with your guy friends . Play pool, whatever it is you do to chill .. And just have fun and laughter filling your life.; people are attracted to happy fun people ..Take care .. Lets us know how it goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): First you really need to correct a big error in your thinking that "nice" is the same as "lacking confidence and self esteem." They are NOT the same thing.
Just because you are nice AND you also happen to lack self esteem, doesn't mean that women's lack of attraction to you is because you are nice. More likely it is because you lack confidence and it shows through.
Insecurity has nothing to do with being nice or not. You can be an insecure nice guy. Or you can be an insecure jerk. Both will not attract women long term. The insecure jerk may attract women in the short term because many people (both men and women) mistake being a jerk for being confident. You certainly make this mistake too since you equate the two so it isn't surprising that there are women who make the same mistake as you. But I can assure you that after some time the jerks will lose the women too because it is just aggravating and unpleasant to be in a long term relationship with someone who is a jerk.
So this isn't a question of you being too nice and you need to be more or a jerk. That's totally wrong. The issue is you need to not be so insecure. And, to not mistake having confidence with acting like a jerk.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (29 October 2013):
Women like nice CONFIDENT guys.
The best way to gain confidence with women is by having some success with them.
In order to do that you have to stop acting like if you're nice enough to them they'll like you.
Just ask someone out on a date that you don't even know. If she says no, who cares?
And instead of asking her what she wants to do, is she okay, etc, have confidence that you're doing the right thing or making the right choice. If you believe in yourself she's more likely to believe in you and be attracted to you.
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