A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 years old guy, and I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now. I've been alone for 5 years before I met her, and anything before her wasn't very serious, so I may as well say this is my first real relationship.She is 5 years older than me, and it was her who initiated our relationship, though I was also instantly attracted to her. First I was ecstatic - after all, the reason I was alone for so long was that I had (and to a lesser extent, still have) self-esteem problems.But then, even as I became more and more attached to her, I started to lose my attraction towards her.My problem is that even though I really love her and care for her, I don't find her very attractive anymore, and I find myself checking out and even dream (literally) of other women.It's really depressing to notice it all the time how I'm more attracted to other girls, a part of me feels that I'm settling in a way - and this was something I was always terrified of. I always pitied people who are only with their partners out of convenience.But now I see this is more complicated... Because I love WHO she is, I love to be with her, I miss her when she's not around, even sex is great.. But I just don't feel the attraction.I don't know what to do. Thinking about leaving her makes me really sad. She's great, we click so well, I can't even imagine right now that another woman would make me feel that way - but I'm also young, and I don't want to settle down with someone I'm not really attracted to...I don't know what to do. No solution seems good. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): "I was attracted when we met. But, to be honest, back then she actually made an attempt to look good, and it showed. She dressed sexy, wore make-up, done her hair.. And after a while she mostly stopped these things, and even packed on a few pounds. It's like now that we are officially dating, she doesn't feel the need to make an effort and impress me."I hate to tell you this, but you only have one option if you want to save the relationship. You have to tell her this. Yes, it will hurt her feelings. Count on that. Even count on her to be angry with you, and possibly not even talk to you for a bit. In the end, though, she'll come around if she really wants to be with you. She'll make the changes. Some people will tell you you're "shallow" for having these preferences, others like me will see it through your eyes. In my opinion, it's unreasonable of her to expect you to find her sexually attractive if she's not at all taking care of her appearance. There's so much temptation out there as it is. Just think of how many women you see in a day's time. If she was at least making the most of the cards she's been dealt, that would be one thing. Then the problem would be yours. At that point, I would say you just aren't attracted to her. That happens sometimes, too. We can lose attraction for people for no apparent reason. If this were the case for you, I would advise you to end the relationship. However, since your losing attraction is just because she's just gained a few pounds, doesn't dress as nicely, or fix her hair, these things can easily be fixed. At 28, it shouldn't be that difficult for her to lose weight, especially if it is indeed only a few pounds. Now, if she has gained A LOT of weight, then you'll have to be patient as it won't come off over night. If it was sudden, I would advise her to see a doctor to make sure her thyroid is working properly. As for her hair, there are so many different styles that women can wear: up, down, half up/down, braided, straight, curly, etc. There is simply no excuse to wear the same exact style everyday, when there is so much variety to women's hair. She doesn't even have to change the color. Speaking of hair, I thought of a situation I was in a few years ago that applies to this. Back when my husband and I were dating, I used to notice he was always admiring long hair on other women. It upset me, and made me feel I wasn't good enough. My hair was only shoulder length at the time. It was in great condition, just not very long. I finally expressed to him how his looking at women with long hair made me feel. For the longest time, he denied his preference for long hair because it made him feel shallow. When he finally admitted it, though, I was upset at first, but then I agreed to grow my hair out and that was that. 2 years later, it was down to my waist. He no longer admires long hair on other women. My point of telling you this is sometimes these changes are just necessary to maintain the attraction in a relationship. That's not to say he wasn't attracted to me with shorter hair, but the fact is there were other women he found MORE attractive, which could have eventually led to problems. Just like her not taking care of herself has led you guys to problems. You're finding other women more attractive than her, which is leading you to be less and less attracted to her. You feel as though you're "missing out" by being with her. You have to talk to her. It's the only way.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 October 2013):
 O. K.
Now we are finally getting to the problem. I should apologize for going off the handle at you, I'm sorry that I didn't understand fully, but I an happy that you keep writing back to straighten me out.
So to summarize, a few months ago you met this woman about 28 years old. She approached you first and you were understandably flattered. She was attractive took care of her appearance, and in general impressed you. You started dating and having a sexual relationship with her. You are still in love with her and enjoy time with her. But, she is not taking care of her appearance any more. This is not so much turning you off sexually, as it is bothering you in general. You are also worried that you find yourself looking at other women. You have also been having dreams of other women.
OK here comes some (hopefully) better advice. You are still quite young, on the average in the US a man your age wouldn't be getting married for 5 to 7 years. Looking at other women is a pretty typical problem for men your age in relationships. Yes you should try to improve your behavior in order to show more respect for your girlfriend. You realize it is a problem so I'm pretty sure you are already working on that.
Next when people feel secure and loved in a relationship they tend to gain a few pounds and try less to be good looking. You can take it as a sideways complement that she feels secure enough with you to let her self go. On the other hand you are feeling a little bit stung that she is not what you thought she was at first. You feel like the victim of a bait and switch. This is where the whole "settling" feeling is coming from. Usually this doesn't hit until you move in together. The good news is that you have evidence that she can do better.
The question you really have is how to inspire her without offending her. My suggestion is to take her out on nice dates. Still there should be some communication between you two on this. In reality it is important to you,(and not as shallow as I had thought) therefore it should be important to her.
Last the dreams. I'm nor a psychiatrist, but I have some knowledge of dream interpretation. Dreams about sex can mean nothing at all. I'm not sure who the girls who populate your dreams are. If they are ex girlfriends it would mean one thing. If they are girls you know it could mean another. If they seem to be just random pretty faces, then it is probably just meaningless sex dreams. And yes you can not be blamed for what you dream, you have very little control over that.
From the beginning it seems you were asking if you should stay in the relationship or not. There are 2 ways to look at that. One, he caring about her appearance is important to you and she has shown a inclination to let it go. So maybe she isn't the girl for you. The other way is that everyone is going to get older. Bodies change with time children and diseases. Sooner or later you are going to find something you don't like in any partner, so maybe you should learn now to be more accepting. At least, to be fair you should share your feelings with her. Give her a chance to be what you want. You might be important enough to her for her to make the change.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, to anonymous who told me to stop "emotionally cheating"..
As I have written before, this is what I want the most. To stop yearning for other hot girls, and see her just as attractive, because for me, her personality is perfect.
But as you can read in my initial post, I literally have dreams of other women - and then, I feel guilty waking up. This is not something intentional. I want to feel content and happy with her. But some part of me yearns for beauty, even if I love her personality. And I'm really not in charge of my dreams, am I?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I understand what you mean when you say settling. Quite frankly I think it means you are incredibly shallow."So you think feeling a need of sexual attraction in a romantic relationship is shallow? Well, it may be, but then you are irrealistic.You asked why I entered it if I am not attracted. But that's not the case - I was attracted when we met. But, to be honest, back then she actually made an attempt to look good, and it showed. She dressed sexy, wore make-up, done her hair.. And after a while she mostly stopped these things, and even packed on a few pounds. It's like now that we are officially dating, she doesn't feel the need to make an effort and impress me. And well, that may be shallow but yes, it bothers me. Especially as I do everything in my power to look my best. And don't misunderstand me, I don't want her to be perfect all the time.. Just to take care of her looks the same way she did when we first met.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 October 2013):
Well call me misunderstanding but how did you get sexually involved with a girl you find unattractive?
I just don't understand. Are you attracted to her personality? And if you are that attracted to her personality, why is her appearance so important now?
Looks fade over the years. A sexually compatible partner who you love to be with is a real treasure. There is some wisdom in the old song "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life"
I understand what you mean when you say settling. Quite frankly I think it means you are incredibly shallow. So here's the deal. If she is not an acceptable partner to you for whatever reason, then continuing to be with her and to have sex with her is all a huge lie on your part. So stop wasting her time. On the other hand if you really do "really love her and care for her", then stop cheating on her emotionally by checking out other girls who you only like the looks of, and by feeling so sorry for yourself that your girlfriend isn't pretty enough to get the approval of other shallow men.
FA
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Okay, then what are you wondering? You're not attracted to her, so end the relationship.
If you stay with her while not attracted that would be settling. And I mean settling in the same way you do, not as anonymous poster thinks. To him settling is having a family, not wanting other relationships etc.. To me "settling" means you don't exactly like what you've got, but you stick to it because you are afraid of being alone/afraid you can't do better/it's become a habit. That's settling to me, and it's something people do when they feel they don't have another choice. Hence the +5 years and at 35 years of age. Because by that time, if you don't have kids already, you will feel like you need to settle unless people around you will look down on you for not having gotten married/had children yet etc.
But, that was besides the point really. You're young, you aren't attracted to her, you have other possibilities, you aren't in a rush.. There is absolutely no need to settle (unless you yourself desperately want to build a family now).
Just end the relationship. I wonder why you entered it though, she hasn't changed appearance in a few months has she? Maybe you were thinking you'd be more attracted to her over time, or maybe something else. Bottom line is, if you know you're just not attracted to her then you need to end the relationship, both for your sake and hers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both of the answers. I think you misunderstood me though. I certainly don't fear the relationship, or think it is below me, etc. Also, by settling, I didn't mean "to settle down", but to lower my expectations to someone I'm not really attracted to.
To answer chigirl: yes, I have the confidence to hit on and approach girls.. I just can't, as I'm committed now. In a way I feel trapped. But still, I have emotions towards her and I would miss her if I left.
And it's totally turning the situation upside down to think that I try to talk myself into that I'm not attracted to her. No, I desperately try to see her face to be beautiful and to feel the same attraction as when I see girls I consider hot.. But it just doesn't work. I look at her and I feel "hell, she's not pretty".
So if anything, I try to see her as beautiful, but I just don't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Dont agree with chigirl. There is no set time on when you settle. 5+ years of dating? That's enough time to change your mind. And what's with 35 years old? By this time most women and men are involved with partner and have couple kids running around.
I felt settled at your age, though I was not married yet. By that time we dated 6 months. 2 years later we got married, and by 35 I had 3 kids, oldest 8. It all depends on a situation. What I can say more, don't waiste your girlfriends time. If you are 23 then it makes her 28. Believe me she doesn't want to waiste at her age her time on someone who is not attracted to her. I bet at this age she is looking for someone to settle with and have a family.
You keep on having sex with her not finding her appealing? I feel bad for her, leave her alone in all fairness.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 October 2013):
I see this a little differently. The one thing I agree with is that a few months is nothing in a relationship.
Here are some possibilities:
You are having a successful relationship, and this makes you feel more confident. Because you feel more confident you think you can do better. Not all in all bad, but unfair to your current relationship. If you think this is where you are then the best course would be to break up as soon as possible. Because you are reluctant to break up I think this is not where you are.
Next possibility.
You are in a relationship for the first time in a long time. You are not used to it. Relationships require work and commitments. These are things that men your age fear. Because of your fear, you are self sabotaging the relationship. Looking at other women is your way of acting out so you will get in trouble with her so you can go back to the way you were. If you think this is where you are then face and embrace the change. Odds are you will be happier long run in a relationship than single. You just need to get used to it.
Last possibility (at least from me.
You are afraid of the past. In the past when the relationship started looking hopeful you were hurt by the breakup. Your sub conscious mind is trying to remind you with the dreams. (at least that might explain the dreams) As an ego defense mechanism you are telling your self you aren't really attracted to her. This allows you to feel good about her leaving you, which is what you fear. If you think this is where you are then the answer is to focus on the positive. Find the things that do attract you. I know that there are some things from your post. Try to build a secure relationship by being your best self. In the long run searching for some mythical physical perfection is a dead end road. As you said could another woman make you feel the way you feel right now?
In the end, it is too early in the relationship for the feelings you have. You should be all honeymoon right now. Your lack of relationship experience makes me worry about your ability to make the right decision.
Doing what you are doing today (seeking advice) is a good idea for you.
FA
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 October 2013):
"I always pitied people who are only with their partners out of convenience."
I am going to suggest that you were also jealous of people who were in relationships, because you had such a hard time thinking you would ever be in one. So in order to not feel weak, you decided that you would pity these people instead of envying them.
My boyfriend never had a relationship before me, no kisses, no flirting, no nothing. He was convinced to his very core that he would NEVER have a girlfriend. Initially because he didn't think he could get a girls attention, didn't think he was interesting enough, good enough. He felt like a loser. So he started to look down upon those in relationships, much like you describe. Felling like it was better to be single than to be in a relationship.. insert reason why. It is a way to preserve your self worth. Instead of saying "Im not worthy of a relationship" you turn it around to mean "Relationships are below me".
I sense this is your thinking. And I also sense that you are still very very insecure. A few months into a relationship? That's barely a relationship. It's a fling, a temporarily thing. You don't have anything solid, you have something that can so easily be lost. And I think you fear this so much. You fear being dumped. You fear growing attached to her, and maybe risk losing face if she leaves you. It is better then to be the one to dump her. That way you get to say "That relationship was below me", rather than saying "I wasn't good enough for her".
I don't think you love her at all. I think you barely know her. I think you don't know how relationships work, what love is, or what your new role as a boyfriend is. You're confused, you're trying to put words to your thoughts, but the words you spell out are misplaced altogether. I don't think this is about grand love or deeper philosophy at all. You're over-thinking. I believe this is about you hooking up with the first and best woman who showed a clear and "safe" interest in 5 years, and you jumped at the opportunity in a moment of faith. But then you realized that maybe you never actually wanted her (in which case, you got together with her as an ego boost?) Or maybe you have a chance at a real relationship with her, but you worry if you can manage it.
Look, you've been scared and worried and insecure for so many years. What makes you think that suddenly all of this is gone and you are now thinking rationally? You're still scared, worried and insecure. You talk about other women you are attracted to. Okay, so? Will you have the courage to talk to them, hit on them, enter a relationship with them?
Look, it's been a few months, she's not asking you to marry her. No one is asking you to settle for anything. You're not even giving the relationship a chance, you're jumping the gun and calling it "settling" after just a few months.. That's a good miss, I can tell you that. There's no "settling" involved here. Settling is what you do after 5+ years at the age of 35. At your age, and a relationship a few months old... I don't see any "settling" within miles range. Or is she asking you to have babies with her or something? In that case, just say no, it's too soon. No reason to end the relationship over that though, unless she doesn't have time to wait.
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