A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am finally getting up the courage to leave my husband who I have been married to for 17 years (I am 38). My husband has never made any solid plans for us as a couple during our marriage, has just drifted along on the personal side of things, leaving me to push things along whilst he is being completely and utterly selfish putting his career and hobbies first - very long hours and then 6 or 7 hours a day each weekend doing hobbies. He also goes on holiday on his own leaving me behind with what he describes as 'your shit life'. I have said so many times that I want more from life and explained what I would like such as to live by the sea or go out more but, whilst he listened, he never showed any interest in taking them forward. His family have also been undermining towards me, very cruel at times with personal remarks and because he has never stood up for me, and combined with all the other factors, I withdrew my affection and respect. As a result we are childless and for years I told myself it was the best thing otherwise I would have no support as a mother and trapped further. I exist in this marriage. Because my self worth has been affected I can only decide that this, plus an amount of fear about the upheaval has kept me where I am. My mum got cancer this year and this made everything clearer for me - my husband has not been supportive and I have had a wake up call about how short life is. Now I am ready to consider making the future better and going my own way I am scared that it is all too late - like I have let myself down. I feel like I am on the shelf - and that having children at my age is out the question. Even if I met someone next week I could be into my 40's before trying for children. I hate the idea that I will be one of these women who appears desperate - on the one hand I'm not and in fact if I don't have children so be it - a decent relationship is more important. I guess I have lived with regret so don't want to do that again. Does anyone have a similar experience of starting again in their late 30's - especially after a long term relationship? Still found happiness? I would love to hear. Many thanks for any insight or advice.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (22 September 2010):
 It is extremely difficult to get out of a rut, which is what it sounds like you have been in for really quite a long time now. You are right, of course - but although we can often know we are right, it also often takes us a long time to get from knowing it to really feeling it so much that we take action. Which is what you are now ready to do - great! WELL DONE!
This is totally what you must do now. You must reclaim your life. You must absolutely forget about the man who has been your 'life partner', because really he has short-changed you pretty badly. I'm afraid he clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart, and for that you owe him nothing.
And as for being old at 38 - absolute rubbish. I have friends who were in a similar situation to you, and they are all now in their early to mid forties and have minimum 3 children each! But in order to get there, you first have to get free. Good luck - you can do it! : )
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): In all the remarks,
Does any where any one think that, beyond his or her expectations to do things in certain ways, there lies a responsibility for you to support the partner ( wife or husband who is falling ) .
After all both are humans and in some couples, wife may fall out or in some cases husband may fall out ( i say fall only in the eyes of the partner, because there is no standard rule when it comes what one wife like and appreciate and other may find it bad. ). Why we can not love the weekness of others and enjoy at it? why we can not support other when he or she is falling? my take is that current ways are generating more pains in life. Simple Math will tell you that One divorce = 23 people's life becoming complex for ever in the life time. ( Reasons are Ex, step dad, step MOM, step DIL, step MIL and step siblings and so on ), and i feel that those pains are even worse than the reasons cited by couple for separations. ( He is not earning, he does not spend time with me, she is very angry, we fight more, and all sort of small reasons, that become so small as compared to life long pain it generates in so many lives ).. Choice is ours.. we are not any happier today, and trust me, we will not be any happier if we take out all divorce limitations and formalities legally and leave all and every one free completely to marry and separate. Life will not be any happier , it is granted.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 It sounds as though you've done what i think most women in your prediciment should do..take care of you first. It sounds like he gave up on you a long time ago. Good luck you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 Hi. You are so very right..life is very short, it goes by before you know it. If you stay in an unhappy unfulfilling marriage one day you will wake up be 60 and say "What happened"?
I am now almost 50. I was married for 16 years, woke up in my late 30's and thought "Oh my God..I'm so unhappy..and where is this marriage going?" I won't go into alot of details, but the marriage was happy once, and then my husband become an alcoholic. I woke up every day absolutely miserable, afraid to stay, afraid to go. It took me 2 years to get up the courage and strength to leave. I was frightened out of my mind, but my husband refused to get help, we had a non-existent sex life, we weren't even friends, spent most of our time making snippy remarks at each other, or ignoring each other.we had 2 children, but they were almost full grown, and they knew and understood what was going on.. It just wasn't worth it to me anymore to stay in the marriage. I left after warning him for 2 years I was going to leave if he didn't change. It was the best thing I ever did. It was hard, I had to start over again, but I made it. I have never regretted ending that marriage because I was absolutely miserable. It got to the point where I hated my husband. He had become a shell of the man I married, and I knew he wasn't going to change. He didn't want to! I did find love again too..my soul mate. So please..think your options over very carefully, make sure you will be ok if you leave him, but if you truly don't love him, and aren't happy, then perhaps its time to start over. And hey, as far as having children, who knows? You can always adopt, or perhaps you'll meet a man who has children and you could grow to love them just as much as if they were your own. And remember, women are having children later and later in life too. Sweetheart, you've got to do what is right for you and think about your future. It sounds like your husband stopped putting forth effort a long time ago. So don't be afraid to think there might be something better "out there". More than likely there is! I wish you all the best.
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