A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my mid-twenties and throughout my life, I have been a near-perfect daughter. I've never gotten drunk, never borrowed money without paying every cent back, never smoked, never done drugs, never lied, never stole.Yet, my parents and sister cannot stand the sight of me.My sister exhibits the characteristics of someone who has bipolar disorder (excessive mania followed by periods of depression where she threatens to hang herself). She's been banned from grocery stores for shoplifting, into P and cocaine, she's been a big drinker, she's lied and stolen money from my dad many times in the past. My parents absolutely worship the ground she walks on. Is it just me, or is this strange to you too?My sister has struggled with anorexia for the past 8 years. I grew up in a beautiful, happy family with loving parents and a sister who I always faught with, but just petty stuff. We loved each other.My sister's illness has changed everyone in my family. She's an emaciated, controlling and manipulative monster, but my parents think that she's the greatest blessiing to ever grace this earth! I feel like most of the time, over the past 8 years, that I'm living in an insane asylum.There's this sick dynamic in my house where my sister and mother have this wierd relationship. It's not sexual, but that's the only thing missing. It's this total co-dependency. My sister gets up at 5am to cook her breakfast every day and then drives her to work and back. She basically does nothing else in her day.. doesn't work.. just drops my mother to work.. makes her food and watches talkshows with her at night.. and talks about food every minute in between.. that's her life.No matter how much I've tried over the years, I can't talk to my mother. She turns every topic into a conversation about my relationship with my boyfriend and how we should be married by now and my life is going nowhere. I work fulltime and have been with my boyfriend for many years. He's waiting to find out his position at work is permament and then we'll be building our first home. My mother to date hasn't spoken to me now in two and a half months.My dad's job in the house is to provide for my mother and sister (I pay for everything myself and pay rent, so I don't count myself as being a financial burdon). His job everyday is to go to the supermarket and buy bags of gourmet diet food, where he then has to explain to my sister why he bought what he bought and whether it was the specific food she was wanting for her diet. He asks her if what he bought was OK with her. Everything in the house is controlled by my mother and sister - especially any and all meals. I just get home from work, I'm hungry and I raid the fridge.. and they sit there and whisper about me being a total pig. My only real fault is that I can be messy at times, if I've been working long hours, my room can get a bit messy. My parents are obsessively OCD tidy and everything must always be in its place. The only person in the family I thought I had some kind of rapport with still, was my dad, who, when he's not being manipulated by the other two, I can talk to sometimes.Yesterday he told me he was absolutely furious with me because of my room being messy. He said that he can't even look at me because when he sees my face, he gets a sick feeling in his stomach. I tried to explain I'd been working 18 hour days and I would go clean it straight away, but he told me to shut up and get out of his face.. he said I disgust him. I spent the next 12 hours in absolute despair over his comments.Instead of any kind of apology, as always.. nothing was said. No one's said a word, except I've heard them all continue to whisper about my room being a mess.. even though I've since got it looking absolutely perfect. I pay for everything myself.. I answer the phones for his business whenever I can.. I clean the house, I wash their dishes every night.. it seems that they just look for something to vent all their frustration at about their lives and I'm the perfect outlet.I've frequently over the years and since my sister's been sick, been the victim of so many random outbursts. I never get the luxury of any kind of apology.. I'm just expected to just take the lash outs. I'm blamed for everything and everything is always my fault, while my parents worship my sister and run around waiting on her hand and foot. It disgusts me. My boyfriend thinks they're all sick and absolutely insane.What is going on here? Has anyone ever been in this situation? I do want to know that my family do have some love for me.. but my sister absolutely HATES me.. HATES the sight of me. I have no idea why. She says she doesn't need a reason. I just feel like the outlet. I've even been to therapy to see whether it's something that I might have did that contributed to any of this.. but my therapist tells me there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing worse than times like last night, when I had heard everyone yelling and moaning about how "disgusting and disrespectful" I was beacuse of my room being a mess and then after my dad's comments, I was in tears in my room and I could hear them all downstairs laughing and sounding happier than ever. They're NEVER HAPPY.. EVER. Yet, it sounded like a "Full House" episoode downstairs. It seems that when they've vented their hatred at something, they feel lighter and their behaviour improves. I think my sister puts such a strain on them in every way, that they think I'm this easy outlet for all the blame and frustration. I don't think they love me at all. I feel I could die right in front of them and they'd probably watch it as free entertainment.How did this happen? What can I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I understand the difficulties but you do need to move. Perhaps you can share if you can't afford your own apartment. It is a courageous step and you can do it. If you have some friends they will be pleased to help. This is your chance.
As someone wiser than me once said, 'If you come to a fork in your life take it.'
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): To the latest poster..
I'm really sorry to hear what you and your wife have been through! That's an absolute nightmare and so much worse than my situation. None of the three of them appreciate anything! It's NEVER been a case of my being envious for attention, but I pay favours back tenfold and can't stand people running around after me. I would never expect special treatment, I like to be independent, which is why the situation makes me so mad. What gives them the right to exploit everyone around them? I've watched my family just go down the toilet over the years. I don't even know my parents anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I think you really need to move out - you say you are in your late twenties and you are paying rent anyway, so its definitely time to go. I have a really good relationship with my parents and my sister, but I'm not sure how good it would be if we lived together. I am living abroad at the moment and my sister came to visit me for 2 weeks and we had the first big fight in YEARS, just because we were too cooped up together. If you're not ready to move in with your boyfriend, move in with some other girls - that can be a lot of fun, I LOVED living with friends in my 20s.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Obviously I didn't do a very good job of writing my post. I was more interested if anybody else has ever had similar issues with their family and if so, how did they learn to cope with it?I appreciate the advice and you're right, I need to move out and be brave.. I know that.. but I own my own business and it's not making much money right now.. I'm trying my best to work everyday building it up.It seems that I've given everyone the impression I am envious of the attention my sister gets, which is not true. I'm quite happy if they want to ignore me entirely, if they'll just stop with the nit-picking and backchatting. I feel like a naughty tenant that just hasn't been given notice.When I said I was a near-perfect daughter.. I didn't mean I was PERFECT.. it was simply the first word that came to mind to describe the fact that I've never given my parents a minutes worry. It would have been easy for me to stop paying my way and say that if she refuses to contribute, so should I, but it's not about that. I'm acknowledging the fact that I'm a good person who has always done the honorable thing and NEVER taken my family for granted. I've always shown respect and tact, never openly discussing any issues I have with what I have to live with. I take myself off to $200 an hour therapy so that word doesn't get around my small city that my parents are going bankrupt and at the same time, letting a manic depressive junkie slowly drain everything out of them. That's fine.. I can do my best to sit by and watch that happen for years, as I have.. but when I am the outlet for everyone's anger as a result, that's where I feel like putting my foot down!My sister's illness has changed my parents. They're totally different people. They've lived with her for so long and alienated themselves from all their friends and made her the centre of their being. It's way past favouritism, it would be pretty late to be angry about that now. I am angry because I am the outlet. They sacrifice my happiness, repeatedly kick me down, so that she feels better. And she does. When my parents speak to me the way my dad did a couple of nights ago, she thrives on it. It makes her feel powerful and in control of the house.It's hard to think of my sister as this ill and disabled person who needs my pity. I have tried to reach out to her for YEARS, but I'm sorry.. not I just hate the fact this girl has refused to ever help herself and has KILLED my family. They are hollow shells of their former selves.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Welcome to my world and the world of my wife!First, my world:My younger bipolar brother has been in jail for stealing, never graduated high school (has a GED), has several DUIs he managed to fight, almost exclusively dates strippers, moves from city to city and job to job every year, lies and steals from family (example: he stole a digital camera and CDs from me), and yet drives a BMW 5 series he bought for himself. My dad bought him a Mazda 3 cash, which he traded in to buy the BMW. My parents continue to give him money to this day, despite the fact the he drives such an expensive car. He even spent $20K on elective surgery for himself, and yet to applied for a credit card in my dad's name. Are you kidding me? My parents don't neglect me, but they never give me support, and when I go off on him they get mad at me.Now, my wife's world:Her older sister didn't have a steady job until she was 38 years old. She lived with us, with her mom, with her dad, and wherever she could. Her mom bought her a brand new Highlander, which she promptly traded for a Corolla to pocket the cash difference (about $10K). I find that very disrespectful. Once she finally got a job, she dropped her laundry off with her mom weekly. Then her Mom washed it, folded it, and took it back to her place for her. The girl was 40 and her mom was doing her laundry! She never visits her mom. Her mom always has to go to her place. At one point, between us and her parents we gave her $50K over 3 years so that she could stay at home and "look for work" (as long as it wasn't full-time and was something she would like to do) even though she has a master's degree. She spent plenty of time volunteering, though, and making out like she was Mother Theresa with all of her fellow volunteer workers. These people are users. I have fallen victim to it, but our parents have a much worse time saying no. When questioned they say that: "You guys are doing fine and xxx needs help much more than you do! You guys have good jobs and a house and have your life in order! xxx is a screw up and needs help!"Life ain't fair. Get used to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): Hi
I think one little problem here is you say you are near PERFECT, nobody is perfect and you will have faults just as your sister does and just as i do, although we all have faults of a different nature. I see sibling rivalary and you may well have reason but as Denizen says 'your sisters needs are obviously great' Inside your sister must be in some pain as you are too. You are comparing and waiting for things to show you that you are right,thus punishing yourself even more. If you stay things will most certainly get worse and you may find the whole family falls out and you will no doubt get the blame. Do the right thing and step back and start to heal yourself become more independent and focused on ,rather than your sister and the attention she gets from your parents. You are an adult as is your sister but she is lost and needs extra support. Surely you want your sister to heal and not have an eating disorder and drug problem. Sure you need to heal aswell but you have the inner strength that unfortunately your sister does not,food will be dominant and have to be controlled she has anorexia. can you see how fortunate you really are, you don't have her problems. Are you have a job and earn money then find a place to live and just call by for a coffee once in a while, your relationship may get better over time. You can not really feel better if you keep in this enviroment and your sibling rivalary will grow and the resentment will eat you up. You are not perfect but you are unique and special as is YOUR SISTER, she is not bad she is your sister who you onced loved and vice versa and you need to focus on this past reality because you should be the stronger sibling, and remember do your parents need TWO problem daughters.
I wish you well but your in a bad place within yourself and don't need to be. You even say you grew up in a beautiful happy family, so you have no childhood sadness that can hold you down, count your blessings and never let hate come between two sisters, be strong.
spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 May 2011):
Do you remember the story of the prodigal son. It sounds like your sister has bigger needs than you. You have needs too but your attempts to have them met at home have proved fruitless.
So, why are you still living at home? You have a job. Get your own place. It would free you to live your own life and perhaps be with people who appreciate you. Be brave.
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