A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my mid 20s and find myself to be the only single one left in my group of friends. Everyone I know is already married or engaged to be and I've never even had a girlfriend or even dated for that matter. There's been times where my loneliness has really hit hard over the past few years. I'm always happy to see one of my friends get married to that special someone, but things always change afterwards. I inevitably see less and less of them. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to come home from a deployment with no one to come home to. Just an empty room.It was fine when it was a once or twice a year thing, but now I'm finding myself feeling lonely more often than not and I'm starting to feel a little down about it. It usually helped to stay in close contact with my family and visit often, but home doesn't feel much like home anymore when I go back. Not that I don't like seeing my family or anything.I hear I'm a fairly good looking guy. I like to keep in shape and am an all around friendly person. It's not like I don't get out often or have any friends either. I just don't usually meet a whole lot of new people when I do go out. I'm so inexperienced when it comes to women that I can't help but feel I'm so far behind the curve. It's like learning to drive when you're 70. I've missed out on what most people learn while in high school. How do you boost your confidence when you don't feel like you really have any right now?I always hear that it will happen when you give up and stop looking for it. How do you stop wanting something that you want to find so badly? People say there's nothing wrong with being single at my age and choosing to save yourself for that someone special, but I can't really say that I've "chosen" to save myself. It just so happens that I'm completely incompetent at finding that someone.(or anyone I'd want to be with)Not really sure if there's a valid question anywhere in here or if I'm just venting to anyone who will listen. Don't really know what to do anymore. Just taking it day bay day.
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male
reader, Putnik  +, writes (2 February 2011):
do stuff that you like
I am in the same situation as well. some may disagree, but go on as a lone wolf to meet women. I had the problem where all of my friends had girlfriends and they would invite me to their events. I just noticed now that theie events ended up being just couples only(with me as the3,rd 5th, 7th wheel) (Same social circle except the guy or girlfriends would bring a significant other). I was recently at a house party of 2 good friends of mine had about 20-30 people over and there was not one single woman i could talk to. I had to make an excuse to leave at 11 pm.
The social circle changed now, where couples just spend time with other couples or each other.
So I say leave your male friends to their wives and find one other single guy you can go to bars or clubs with.
Plus ask all your friends if their wives have single female friends. I mean come on, they owe you that.
2 places with lots of women to meet usually
Salsa classes. I used to take them and man there are usually more women than men so it is a great place to learn to dance and meet likeminded women.
Rock climbing. Also a good place to meet women since one needs a partner to climb. Usually every climbing gym has a way to help newcomers find a partner.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Been there, done that, my advice may not be worth much, but I've been married for quite a while now and have a good sized family.
But, for what it is worth, go and do things that you enjoy, try new things that require classes (like whatever), that are full of women, and all will work out.
Your friends will have 50% divorce rates by the time they are in their 30's anyway, maybe you can delay it a while.
HINT: If you want to meet women, try horseback riding lessons. I took my girls to theirs, my son won't ride, and to a riding competition, and it was like "holy shit why doesn't my son want to ride horses" it was like 95% very attractive women of all ages.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 I know this is not everyone's cup of tea but have you tried online dating?
When I moved to a new city where I only knew 1 person, and just started a new job that had long hours - I knew I was not really going to be able to go out much and meet people, I was single and thought it would be worth giving online dating a try. Now yes there are a fair few crazies on there, and you will have a number of awful dates - but in the end it can work out well! I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months, we met online using a popular dating site and we have just moved in together. And even if nothing comes of it after you have been on a few dates - at least it will give you some experience so you have some confidence!
It is pretty easy to meet people using a dating site, you just search for people in your area (or by whatever other criteria you want) and then you can email them. hopefully she emails back, and bang you can start a conversation via email (just asking general questions about each other e.g. where you live, where you were born, brothers/sisters, interests, favourite band, what TV shows you love etc). Once you have figured out if you have a lot in common then you can arrange to meet up, and bang! You are on a date! Then you find out if you have the physical chemisty as well as lots in common, and take it from there.
It is actually much easier than meeting people in real life because you can figure out if you are really compatible before you meet up in person, rather than for example meeting someone in a bar when you are both a little drunk, getting their number then finding out on the date that you have nothing to talk about!
So definitely give that a try if you feel comfortable doing so - at the very least it will give you some good dating experience, best case scenario you will meet a lovely girl and have a girlfriend!
As for when you do go out - do you ever notice women that you like the look of or is it really that bad that there are not even any women you are attracted to? And where are you going out?
I am going to presume you go to bars/clubs occasionally so using that as an example, all you really need to do is make eye contact with a girl you like, see if she looks back. Then look away, and look back after a minute of two to see if she is looking back at you again. If you can keep this up, where you are both maintaining some good eye contact, that is a clear sign she likes you and would be happy for you to go over. Then just walk over, ask if she would like a drink and introduce yourself. Hopefully she will come to the bar with you, you can chat while you are waiting to be served and take it from there.
Things to talk about with someone you have just met:
1. What do they do (job/studying etc). This is a great basis for further conversation - if they are studying, ask more about their subject etc. If they work, then ask about their job, what they do on a day to day basis, if they enjoy their job, what made them get into that field etc.
2. Where they live. Again, another basis for further conversation. You might know the area so can talk about that, or can ask questions and appear interested in that area.
Those 2 things should get the conversation off to a good start, there are plenty more questions that lead off the initial two questions. The more you seem interested in her the better, so keep asking! Hopefully she should start to ask questions too and this will keep conversation flowing.
Meeting and talking to women really is as easy as that - it is all in the eye contact! Maintained eye contact over 5 minutes or so is a clear sign she likes you too, and you will be giving her the signal that you are interested so you have already got off to a good start with mutual attraction. Eye contact and appear interested in her - those are the golden rules!
So give both of these a go if you like - try online dating just for the experience of talking to girls and going out on dates (although the type of dates you experience using online dating tend to be very different to dates you would go on if you had met in real life, so dont presume that the dates you have with an online girl are indicative of real life dates!) and then when you are next out, try making eye contact with a few girls, then bite the bullet and be brave, and go up and talk to them! The worst thing that can happen is they are not interested and they walk off after a while, that really is not a massive deal and at least you have had some experience at chatting to women.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): When I read this, I couldn't help but smile. Why? Because I'm in your shoes, and I'm a female.
All of my friends around me have had dated before, or had people confess their feelings to them, etc. But not me, and I'm already 20 but never had a guy ask me out or show interest in me.
And like you, I feel so far behind in the dating race. I have no idea what do people do or say on dates, and sometimes I feel so envious of my friends who seem to have a constant stream of admirers, while I wonder if I will ever meet someone whom I like and likes me back.
So when I'm feeling lonely, like you, I reckon the best thing to do is to concentrate on other things you want to do, it could be something trivial like attending a cooking class. And if you happen to find romance along the way, it's a nice bonus. Perhaps the best thing you could do for yourself right now is to stop fretting so much about it. One day, when you've found romance, you'll find it funny how you used to worry about finding romance. And if you're a kind and all round good guy, love will come. It's just taking some time.
PS it's never too late to learn how to drive! ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Your situation sounds much like mine. :( I'm a few years older too, so for me things never got better, just stayed the same. Gradually lost all my friends as they got married, and even my little brother who I used to do a lot with is now too busy with his own family. Meanwhile, I still have never had a single gf due to shyness and lack of confidence. It makes you feel like something is severely wrong with you, like there's no place for you in the world, like you are stuck in adolescence, and as though life is passing you by. I know all these feelings too well.
And if you think you hardly see your friends now, just wait until they have kids. My only consolation is one of my friends has a less than happy marriage, so he likes coming over to my place when he can, venting about his problems, and even seems envious of my freedom. Fortunately, I've never wanted the kind of domestic married life that everyone else buys into. I REALLY wish I had a relationship but not everything else that goes with it, like the nagging, lack of freedom, cluttered house, expanding waistlines, etc. I envy the approval and privileges married people get from society but not the lifestyle itself.
So one thing you can do is try to remind yourself of the advantages you do have. You can chat with all the girls you want online without betraying anyone. You can stay out late or accept someone's invitation at a moment's notice because you're not tied down to anything. You save money on Valentine's Day and don't have to spend Christmas with anyone's family but your own. Your future is filled with possibility (at least theoretically) whereas a married person is locked in to a single path and person to be with. They couldn't just pack up their apartment tomorrow and go backpacking through Europe like you could. You could even get 10 cats or install surround sound in your bathroom without asking anyone's permission. I know these are "consolation prizes" for a life of interminable loneliness but they are better than nothing. Sorry I can't offer better advice but I'm still struggling myself with all this. Just know you're not the only one out there.
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