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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Sorry this is VERY long!! i am 29 and married just 3 months. My hubby is 24 and we were dating nearly 7 years before we got married.The first few weeks after the honeymoon were great but the past few weeks have been a nightmare.I feel so down, and finding being married tough going. I had to move to live with hubby which has meant a longer journey to work each day. However hubby does nothing to help out with housework, and comes in every evening to lie down and watch tv while finding something to complain about, like there's dirty dishes in the sink, the floor needs hoovering etc, but wont do anything himself!!I am the main earner and pay for almost everything, hubby only pays for his share of the mortgage. I am also worried that hubby does not like spending time with me, and is always making promises to take me places or do thing with me, but nearly always lets me down, small things like taking me christmas shopping, or promising to make me a meal...I have tried to explain everything to him but he does not see it from my point of view at all. He has no sympathy for the long journey i travel each day, and cant see why i am tired every evening when i come home because i 'only work in an office' while his job is much more physical. In fairness to him I have always seem prone to tiredness, but I am beginning to feel i can't cope with the pressues of marriage, and all the responsibility that has come with it. I can not make him understand that that he has put too much on my head, and needs to do something to help, be it help pay some bills or even do a little housework...I just want to know that I am not the only person who is feeling like this after 3 months of marriage, i am terrified that i have made a mistake getting married.
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female
reader, Til10  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 To Mrs0809 - I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry you’re going through this!! I know the decision you face now may seem insurmountably difficult. I was rather too young when I first married. My parents had just split after more than two decades of being together. Looking back now, I think I just really needed to fill a void left by my awfully broken family. I found myself married to a guy who had little regard for me or my feelings. He was an opportunist and got as much from me as he could - sex, money, emotional support, free housecleaning service... I drifted into a malaise of sadness and regret, but was somehow unable to take the step to get out of the mess I created. I let six years of my precious 20's slip right down the toilet, along with my self esteem, my sense of faith in the world and in something higher...while he decieved me (and himself) with too many lies to count, and cheated on me with too many women to count (I discovered that years into the relationship).
I'm one to say, nonetheless, that anyone who finds themselves despairing in a relationship, should take a long hard look in the mirror. How much are you relying on your "other" to provide your happiness, your positive self-image? I’ve discovered, years later, to my astonishment, that taking care of household duties - above and beyond what is even kind-of culturally expected of women, is something I have absolutely n.o. problem with, for the man I am with now. It has taken some shifts in my perspective on these things. But, I find there's WAY more harmony when I take the power of House Carer. I care for him above and beyond what is expected as well. But I do that out of utter and puzzling (to me, anyway), love for the guy. It must be some kind-of law of nature, that when we become the source of that which we seek, or as Ghandi is much-quoted as having said: “be the change [we] seek in the world,” it must follow, as night the day, that our good will return to us ten fold. Much of the time, there is a great, and reciprocal sweetness present in my relationship, which I am very grateful for. But still, I think I would not have neeeeear as much to give to him (or anyone) if it weren’t for the fact that I have a WHOLE lot of me to give. I find that at times (okay, of the month), when I’m a bit vulnerable, we have fights and arguments. I recognize that in general, though he has stronger moments than others, he is not as “complete” as I am, if that makes any sense. So if I am any less whole, our stability immediately weakens….and perhaps that means we walk on tenuous ground. I don’t know.
As far as the porno, consider that he may have a problem. I have witnessed how porn can be debilitating to a relationship. Men can become addicted (in a very real sense), not so much to the images they see, but to that quick pop of stimulation they provide (the “high”). They lose their taste for real sex with a real woman. I see porn as a poison that too many societies of men are collectively consuming. But to what extent have we, as women, contributed to this self-destruction? We are, afterall, both participating (by either being in porn, or by publically displaying ourselves to look more and more like women in porn) and by, in so many cases, pushing them to it (by being utterly unsupportive, immasculating bitches). NONETHELESS, you have this problem living in your home, and it’s too much. You might educate yourself on porn addiction in relationships, and how to address it/heal it. But first and foremost, work on getting yourself back – and being whole. Love YOURSELF. And as my mama’s always said, “Don’t give a sh&% what anyone else thinks.” “People” will get over whatever reaction you think they’ll have to you for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Who would you rather be happy: them, or you?
A
female
reader, Mrs0809  +, writes (4 November 2009):
Sorry to hijack your post, I realise it's an old post but this is very similar to my situation.We've been married for 3 months, been together for 3 and half years in total. We lived together for a year but I moved back in with my parents cos I hated his housemates. We got our own place and moved in a week before the wedding. For me the biggest problem is he is a selfish @rsehole, he never does anything round the house unless he's literally begged to. We hardly ever have sex, he prefers to masturbate to porn in the spare room which is where he spends most of his life, when we do have sex he's selfish and lazy and never gives me oral sex. I've spoken to him about it all til I'm blue in the face and he's not interested. He said the reason we hardly have sex is because he feels comfortable with me and doesn't want sex as much, yet goes into his little room and has a w@nk every morning before going to work. I'm certain I've made a mistake, if I'm honest I think it's only been planning the wedding for 18 months that has kept us together this long. I foolishly thought once we had our own place that he would change and we'd have sex more often but I was wrong and I can't deal with the fact that he'd rather have a w@nk than come to bed and f**k his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, I'm getting angry just thinking about the whole situation. I feel totally trapped. I desperately want to leave but I'm scared about what friends, family and colleagues would think of me walking out on him after only 3 months of marriage. To top it off we work at the same company! I just want to run away and never come back.
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A
female
reader, spam1960 +, writes (27 August 2008):
hi, im married to a couch potato he does work but that is all he does at home he watches tv all the time and if i try and talk to him he gets mad cause im interupping his show. i did leave him last year came back thinking things would get better not only problem is i married him now he has no other interests if i nag him he will leave and go to the bar.so i feel for you things will not change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Hi, I feel the same way. I was marriage in Dec 07, and it has. only been 6 months. And to make things worse he is pushing for us to have a baby. We are supposed to see a councilor this week to discuss things. I have amde a list of pro and cons and things to talk about. I truly don't know what to do also. I am the one supporting us financially and he just pays his share of the mortgage. I came to this site saw your question and was looking for an anwser. I hope things work out for you and that you are happy.good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): I know how you feel.I have a lazy husband who does nothing but eat sleep want sex and not go 50/50 on the bills
he won't even try to please me only himself and what he like's.i wish i could go back to that day in church I
would have ran for the door.I can't even leave him,he tell's me he will ruin my life if i do,he is serious!
One day I will leave him,I don't plan on living in hell forever.that's not living at all.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Three months in a new marriage may seem like forever when it is happening, but in the big picture it is simply a snap shot in time. You say you had to move to live with your new hubby, which tells me this is the first time you have actually LIVED together. Each of you came in to this marriage with you own personal expectations in your head. Possibly, you thought it would be a wonderful 50/50 exchange of household duties, romance, togetherness, and a complete partnership. Perhaps, your new hubby came in to this relationship with the attitude, 'Now I can stop courting her' I married her, she is stuck here now." Regardless of your preconcieved notions of how each of you saw marriage, it is time to determine what this marriage will REALLY be. Now that you have determined that you are uncomfortable with the path this marriage seems to be taking it is time to communicate where you would like it to go. The earlier in a relationship that you can work together and make compromises together the better. I'd recommend talking to your hubby, explain to him what your preconcieved idea of what marriage would be, explain to him how you would like it to be, and then reach a mutual compromise on how this marriage will function that is mutually satisfactory to both of you. If the guy loved you enough to marry you, he will love you enough to listen to you, but you have to do the same with him, listen, love and compromise. Your feelings are not at all abnormal, cohabitating, and marriage are life altering events, and yes, BOTH thake a lot of constant work, but once you learn how to work together, it WILL work.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 January 2007):
 To the anon poster below --how negative are you, you base your opinions on marriage and seek to give advice from your one pitiful experience. I feel for you that your experience was so bitter, but it is not the truth for all. i for one am not in an unhappy marriage, we have our difficulties, but that is the product of a family, troubles we have we work thru together. please, until you ahve true statistical evidence do not voice opinion and conjecture as *fact*.
To the question asker...do you know this is a completely normal feeling!! Now the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon is over what next? What do you have now to look forward to? The answer lies in your head. What has changed--nothing except you have made a firm commitment in the eyes of God to a guy it sounds like you where already commited to anyway! But now the 'fun stuff' is out of the way you have 'nothing' to look forward to or to occupy your time...almost like 'empty nest syndrome'.
So what to do. Well, marriage, like all relationships, requires working at. Unfortunately there are periods where you seem to do nothing but eat, sleep and work....but that is the grind of life. Now you need to reconnect with your husband and find out what it is that attracted you two together in the first place.
can you plan a holiday together and work towards that? Are there any hobbies the two of you enjoy which you can start together?
Ask yourself this--do you love your husband? If you see yourself getting old with him then realise this is someting you need to work at to put right.
Marriages can be happy, ignore the negative and work to fix the positive.
Good luck.
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Welcome to marriage. It will only get worse thats what marriage is all about ...half marriages end up in divorce the other half is mainly unhappy! Im now divorced thank god and based on people around me this is the unpalatable truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006):
But if you moved in with him, then he must have been paying 100% of the bills at that place before, right? Why is there an issue now?
Ideally you would have discussed all this before hand at a pre-Cana class but since you didnt you'll just have to strike an accomodation from where you are now. Make up a list of all the household chores. You can then have each person decide which ones they want you you can have him assign half to you with the understanding that you are only going to be doing your list. If he didnt give you "polish the brass" its not getting done until he does it. Likewise with "take out he garbage".
As you can see this is a reasonable scheme, you'll probably be able to tell where you are with him from his reaction to it.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Ok, but you were With him for 7 years and had no idea that this would be his attitude?
Yes many people feel very let down after the wedding and honeymoon...the party is over....its been built up in your mind for a long time and then....bam...reality. Bills and work and normal life.
Lots of girls are much more "in Love" with getting married than they are with their intended....and it is a huge let down to realise that all those faults that you overlooked while trying to plan the wedding, guest list, finances and on and on....are still there in your new husband and he does not magically become a whole new person by saying "I do" ALTHOUGH....many seem to be a new and less attractive version of the guy you knew.
Doubts are normal...being tired is normal....
Suddenly realising that your guy does not pick up the house or seem very willing to do much besides watch television....well.....i would think that would have been somewhat apparent in the 7 years before you wed.
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