A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i'm a 29 year old lesbian. i've been out of the closet since i was 18 and am nowhere remotely ashamed of my sexuality and who i am. i never feel the need to hide who i am and what my sexual orientation is. if people ask, i always tell them the truth. truth is, though, i never usually have to tell. to most people, they can already tell i'm gay.i don't have like, a buzz cut or anything. but i've got short, funky hair and i dress in guys clothes typically, although i can pull off both if i so choose. i've also got tattoos all over, etc.my problem is this. i can't seem to tell my parents. i know it may seem ridiculous to some. and maybe it is. but it's causing me significant distress. i haven't been home to see my parents in alomost two years. the last time they saw me, i could still pull off being "straight." i hadn't chopped off my hair yet and i didn't have tattoos. so i would go home and dress more girly, despite it always making me uncomfortable. but since that last time i saw them, i've done a lot of changing as far as my appearance is concerned. i don't think i could pull of being "straight." but yet for some reason, i'm terrified of letting them know who i am.i think the reason for this is just that i've never felt good enough to them. they don't approve of the job i have because i've got a college degree and they think i should be doing better for myself and earning more money. i've also had my dad make numerous comments to me about why i don't dress like my friends (they were actually my girlfriends at the time, but they didn't realize it - ha) and carry myself more feminine. it always makes me feel like i'm the daughter they never wanted and makes me sometimes wish i weren't the way i were so that i could make them happy and proud for once. they were also very critical and harsh about the decisions my older brother made. i heard my mom talk about him on a couple of occasions when he dated a woman she didn't approve of. "we raised him better than this" etc.it just kills me every time i don't feel good enough for them. i want to make them proud of me and i just feel like nothing but a let down all the time. and i'm terrified they won't accept me for who i am and how i am if i tell them. and i'm so scared i won't be able to deal with it if they don't accept me.i keep avoiding going to see them and i know i'm hurting their feelings, but i just know that when i do go see them, they will know this time that i'm gay, and i don't know if i'm ready yet. but i miss being close with them and i miss having a relationship with them. this is something i think about constantly and hurt over all the time. advice on what to say or what to do would be great. sorry so long. thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): If you are finding it hard to tell them and scared of their reaction then you could write them a letter. It could outline why you haven't been home and that you want to have no more secrets from that, but that you are worried about what they think because you love them so much etc. By writing it to them, it means you don't have to face their imediate reaction. You can give them chance to take it in before talking.
My dad is so tradational that he's out dated, but when my sister told him she was bisexual he surprised us all by saying whatever makes her happy makes him happy.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Okay. You've been out of the closet, sort of, for 11 years. You're basically in the closet with your parents. You haven't been to see them for 2 years? You think they might not have a clue as to why? All your other friends and I expect your other family members know by now.
I have a number of gay friends who have 'come out' at various times... I think the best way to think about this is like getting something scary over with. The sooner you do it, the more you can deal with the aftermath.
I mean, come one, you've avoided seeing them for 2 years, so you've essentially cut them off anyway, in the fear of how they might react. Why not just give them a chance to let them react and then cut them off?
Here's a website for you to investigate: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=268 (copy/paste the link as the '?' interrupts the hyperlink.)
For what it's worth, the gay friends I have, their families are loving and supporting of them. If yours turns out to be judgmental and cuts you off, how different is that from what you doing to them? You are judging them and cutting them off.... aren't you?
Be brave, be yourself, line up all your supporters and friends and I expect things will be fine. I also have a feeling that they will know already. They're probably just waiting for you to be honest with them....
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Oh, that is a difficult thing for you to face :( Are your parents against homosexual relationships? If not, then they'll probably be shocked and a little dismayed, but it shouldn't be enough for them to cut ties with you. Does your brother know you prefer being in a homosexual relationship? Have you tried asking your brother how he thinks your parents will react? Maybe he can help you out with telling them.My bro came out and told my parents. It took him a looooot of courage but he knew that his siblings were all behind him. My parents are very traditional. My mum thinks it's her fault that he's gay and she thinks everyone else will frown down upon her and the family. My dad didn't want to accept it at first. It's been a few years now so they're veeeeeeeeery slowly getting used to the idea. We siblings always talk the parents through their panic attacks about my brother by just telling them that in today's society, there's nothing wrong with being gay and that my bro will eventually find a very nice person to spend his life with, and that is all that should matter.It might take a very long time for them to get used to the idea. They might pretend it isn't true. But they shouldn't refuse to have you in their lives any more. And it IS your life so you should be living it the way that you think it's best for you. Not everyone is going to agree with what you do but it doesn't matter as long as you know you are doing the right thing.
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