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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm really in love with this guy who I think really loves me, too. We've been together almost two years now - sort of off/on for a while in the middle, but we're working things out now, and I think we're a good match.The problem is that I'm terrified of losing him. I'm really really afraid that he won't love me back or something, even though he says he does. And it feels like he can't ever do enough to make me feel secure that he really does love me, and so whenever he does something mildly annoying but really pretty harmless, like forgetting to call when he said he would, I have this sort of internal freak-out and worry that "he's just not that into me". And my inclination is always to break up with him, sort of preemptively.I recognize the ridiculousness of it -- it's just a protective measure -- like I want to hurt him and get things over with before he has a chance to hurt me worse. But he loves me, so the thought pattern makes no sense. I can force myself to keep my mouth shut and distract myself until the fear goes away, but so far I haven't found anything else that works. How do people get over fears like this? How do you train yourself not to have such a destructive coping mechanism? It's really tearing me up. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): Hun, I live by the the credo " love is a risk we must all take and that loss is a fact of life". All of us have various levels of fear when it comes to love. Some of us cope better than others. What is amazing about your posting is you conciously recognize your fears. And this is your first step to ridding yourself of the doubts that plaque you. The only way to change is to accept the fears and not allow them to rule your relationship..is a change in attitude and how you view yourself..the self-respect..the postive thinking..the confidence! So many people fail to recognize that when we meet someone whom we can love...they put all their 'being' into that person. They forget to focus on their own sense of purpose, the other people they love (family, friends) In other words, they forget that this special person is there to simply share our life...not 'be' our life. You've become far to emotionally dependant on this fellow, to giving you that feeling of passion and love. What you need to realize, is that 'neediness' is within you. So drop the needy feelings, gain your footing in life by not totally focusing 'everything' on this guy and focus your attentions on doing things for you! Like education, career, family, friends, hobbies, interests. etc. Self-care is crucial, hun--it build and fosters self-confidence and strength in a woman. And when you live your life in a positive, proactive, happy way, you will find your bf will respect that you have other interests besides him and it shows your confidence, strength and independence. Believe me, he will love you all the more for it. But love is a risk, so try accepting in your mind, that if something bad happens down the road...it happens. Your state of mind is up to you. No one has any control over that. Once you accepted it..you have faced your fear. And once you have done that, you allow yourself to love fully without depending on someone for validation. Good luck, dear and be strong!
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female
reader, gracie lou +, writes (16 September 2006):
 i think what you have to do is you gotta sit him down and tell him how you feel when he does these things. dont make it like you're lecturing him, just let him know how not calling affects you. i know you're scared to do this, cuz he might take it the wrong way and then it could be over but if you want to be happy (and that's what a relationship is for) you gotta talk to him. communication is key. you cant keep all this bottled up. you two will have to make some sacrifices eventually to make this work for both of you. hope this works, and good luck with whatever decision you make. x x x
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