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male
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have problems with women. I am scared of them, or for that matter, scared of at least going close to them. It happened to me quite a few times that I felt terrified in the presence of a woman, a woman of authority for example, at work. I have never been able to be open up emotionally to my mom because of the same reason. Actually I was detached from her for quite a long time. I don't know why but I have never been able to trust her because she is an emotionally closed and dominating women. I am actually scared of her emotionally. I have craved for closeness and nurture from my mother all my life but haven't received it. She either judged me or abandoned me or scared me emotionally. She doesn't appreciate men being emotional or coming close to women. I have whined a lot but have never been able to take my stand against her as she makes me feel guilty for no reasons. When she needs support in difficult times, I offer it to her unconditionally. But she just sucks my emotions, takes advantage of me and doesn't reciprocate at all. This upsets me and makes me hate her for her selfishness.I have for long tried to find this motherly, unconditional love in other women but everytime I go close to them, I end up being either controlled or used. This scares me away from them and I start hating them or move away. Now I have started disrespecting women and am building an opinion about different types of women based on their personality. And I try to keep as much distance as possible from them. Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 September 2005):
 Try not to read all women as being your mother, for a start!
You're making the mistake of tarring all females of the species with the same brush. Your thinking goes: I'm scared of my mum. My mum is a woman. Therefore, I should be scared of women.
Well, that's just illogical. If your mum's hair was brunette, that wouldn't mean you have to be frightened of all brown-haired people, right? This is the same fractured logic and you can rid yourself of it, if you recognise it for what it is.
You need to get to know women whose love and approval you're not trying to win. That means you need women as **friends** so that you can prove to yourself that women aren't firstly, one big amorphous blob of humanity, without individual characteristics. Secondly, if you learn to have friends of both sexes, you'll be able to recognise that no individual woman is necessarily dominating/threatening/disapproving or whatever, just because some others might be.
Seek out places where PEOPLE gather, who might share your interests. If you like astronomy, you'd look for astro societies. If you like car racing, you might spend time at auto shows or tracks. If you like dogs, look for breeders' meetings or dog shows, etc.
Get talking to people about your shared interests. Try your hardest to not to give in to your fear. Ask general questions of other participants ("Have you always bred Bichon Frises?"), get into conversations, short or long, with both men and women, then smile and move on. Afterwards, take some time to congratulate yourself for recognising every person's individuality.
When you become comfortable with having women as friends, then it won't seem so overwhelming to consider something more.
Ultimately, though, you DO have to get some professional help to straighten out your feelings about your mother, because otherwise that's going to intrude into your thoughts any time you want to have a deeper relationship. Ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist or a counsellor.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Loooooooove Miester +, writes (10 September 2005):
I understand I use to have this problem as well. My solution was to spend more time around women. Hope this helps.
Yours
Loooooooove Miester
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A
reader, pops +, writes (10 September 2005):
Its obvious you are obsessed with winning your mother's love, and you transfer these feelings to other women, particular older women like your mother, who have authority over you. Get some counseling. Your mother does not know how to love, and until she gets help- and you can't make her do it- she will never be able to give you what you want. Then, get away from your mother. She is killing any chance you have to a normal relationship with any woman. Being a doormat for mom is only giving someone to wipe her feet on. It is not helping her, and it is not helping you. When you are in a hole, stop digging! Climb out of there.
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