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female
age
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anonymous
writes:2 years ago my husband's mother died. At the funeral my husband's sister mostly ignored me, made me feel uncomfortable or made fun of me. I have had no dealings with her since. My husband did nothing to stop this going on. Since then a wedge has grown between my husband and I because I cannot forgive him for not standing up for me. I feel incredibly upset by her behaviour and don't understand why she would have been like that with me. We hardly knew each other but she had been ok with me up until that day. My husband will no longer discuss the situation at all. I have had to have councelling over this as this has effectively ruined my marriage as my husband thinks I am over-reacting and that it was a funeral so leeway over people's behaviour should be given. I have no issue with that I just don't understand why he did not stand up for me on the day and tell her to stop behaving like that. A lot of the events happened when he was not present or in another room so he can only hear my side of events but he just dismisses my comments out of hand. I am upset because I feel a man should stand up for his wife and even if he did not want to do so on the day he should have taken issue with her afterwards. He did nothing. The whole event is eating away at me inside. I am unable to move on from this as neither my husband or my sister in law appear to feel any guilt over how they treated me. Any advice on how to move on from this would be really welcome, greatly beneficial.
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female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Your counsellor is right maybe you should just cut the contact and leave it lie then nothing else can occur from this event from happening again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy counselor suggested that as it was causing me such pain to remove the toxic person from my life. I really wanted closure on this ie/ to know why she treated me in this manner when I had done nothing to deserve it but as I won't speak to her and my husband will not even let the subject be raised that is not going to happen. Thank you all for your views - very insightful and different perspectives. I will let it rest but will not be keeping in contact with her going forward.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 I'm curious... what did the counselor suggest for you to work this through?
I agree with the other aunts. And your husband.
It's time for you to understand THEIR MOTHER had just died. You were at her funeral... her CHILDREN were upset. Your husband did not want a scene at the event.
You want to let it go.... here's my thought... you need something symbolic to let this go... how about you write it all down on a piece of paper and then you take it outside and set it on fire safely... and watch all that pain and anger and hurt fly up to the sky and out of your life...
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Oh come on now. It was at a funeral, give the poor man some leeway for not making his mother's funeral all about your comfort!
If you are unable to move on even after counselling your only option is to either continue harping about it, in which case your husband may make some decisions about the marriage, or be quiet about it and have a peaceful marriage.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I agree with the other aunts here. Your are letting the bitterness you harbor over this event destroy your marriage. Why are you punishing him for action that he cannot change now? His actions may have been hurtful to you but why are you choosing for them to be unforgivable? It was one day, and probably one of the hardest days of his life, AND he wasn't even present in the room. What could he have done differently if he wasn't even aware it was happening?
Everyone hurts at funerals, even if they didn't like the person that died, there's mourning over what could have been. Some people look for explanations and scapegoats. Personally I have a hard time listening to condolences, I find them all completely empty in the face of loss. Although I have control to repress speaking my mind about them, I can understand if she reacted poorly in the environment, and for whatever reason, she found you as an easy target (who knows, maybe she was treating others similarly).
I understand your concern is not with her behavior but your husband's but if I were your husband, what I would be concerned about is the utter self-absorption you display by continuing to bring up his mother's funeral time and again to discuss your sister in law's antics. This day was not about you. This day was about your mother in law. This day was about you comforting your husband amidst a major loss in his life. And you've turned it into YOUR hurt, YOUR grief, YOUR trauma. Perhaps his game wasn't 100% there for you because he was absorbed in his loss. Maybe he wasn't there because he had relatives to comfort or to thank for coming.
At this point, you need to either remove him for your life for this transgression of not protecting you, or accept the facts and not hold him in contempt for the next 50 years. Weigh whether discussing the matter with your sister in law, where the beef originated, rather than the middleman, may comfort you. Ask him to come to one session of counseling so that he can feel free to air his side out in a safe place and where the counselor can guide and shape the conversation. It's possible that in your strong feelings, you've missed important things that your husband has been telling you. It's possible that your counselor will help him express feelings deeper than he tends to when he brushes off this topic with you. From there, your counselor can try to regroup you. It may take some convincing to your husband, but acknowledge your desire to progress, and tell him something along the lines of I DO want to move forward, but the counselor doesn't think I can without hearing your side or seeing both of us discussing it.
Two years is a long time to be angry. It can become an obsession, and even when it's not on your mind or even in obsessive form, it wears on you, it ages you. You might think you're being the better person for your self-righteousness or principles, or that your stance means you're "winning," but our pride masks the fact that the anger becomes baggage we're not even aware we're carrying, and the longer we hold a grudge, the more burdened we become. You will feel lighter, liberated by letting this go. Buddha said "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I personally just made up with a friend for hurts caused a year ago and I feel happier, not even because of my regaining the friend, that relief was secondary to letting go of the negativity that was weighing on my mind from feelings associated with the event. Let yourself free from the sadness and anger you hold, and strive for a better life for both of you.
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female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (23 September 2012):
Well as your husband said it was a funeral and at that painful time people react in outrageous ways in which they wouldn't normally and they can't explain why.Your husband probably didn't stand up for you at the time because don't forget it was his mothers funeral also so the fact he didn't stand up for you may initiate that he didn't want to cause a scene at his own mothers funeral and probably understood that his sister is just having an outburst of emotions because maybe she didn't know how to deal with the situation of the day.I would try and speak with her perhaps ask her why she ignored you and that it did hurt you.Be sure to step easily on this subject as she will probably lash out as it was her mothers funeral but if you're husband will not elaborate on what happened in the situation then maybe you'd be better off asking her whether or not you did something unintentionally.As for him standing up for you i think he just knew it was a tough time and chose to leave it as she's also suffering a lot of pain and didn't want to cause an argument between family at a funeral it isn't the time or the place.
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reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (23 September 2012):
6 years ago I was involved in a very similar situation, only it was my mom who was being treated unfairly by her sister-in-law at my grandmothers's funeral and my dad did not say anything to his sister. My parents had been married for 35years at the time and my aunt had always been fake with my mom and never treated her quite like family. But the days leading up to the funeral and the day of was just overt and insulting. Yet my dad has never said anything to his sister about her behavior.Tell me, is your husband passive-aggressive? If so then he may be very angry with his sister but he does not feel comfortable confronting her. This doesn't mean that he doesn't see the truth and isn't building resentment. It means that this is not how he chooses to handle these types of situations. I was very upset with my dad and I am the confrontational type so the next time my aunt made a negative comment to my mom I jumped right back at her. It did not help the situation. Keep in mind that funerals bring out deep emotions in everyone dealing with the loss. People say and ddo things that otherwise they may have kept to themselves on any other day. Come to find out that my dad, although, pleasant to his sister can not actually stand her for more than a few hours at a time. He knows he can not change her so he just accepts that she is a fake, insincere, insecure person.You and your husband are in this marriage. Why would you allow someone else to affect how you feell especially after 2 years? Your husband said nothing but realize that he may never say anything and either accept him or do not. Do not torchure yourself or him for something that he did not handle the way you believe he should. If you do then you do not really accept him for who he is. Holding onto anger and pain only hurts you. It keeps you from being happy and those around you from wanting to be close to you. My advise: chose to let this go and live your life. His sister is for sure living hers without a single thought of you. So choose to be happy and love the man you married. It sounds simple and it is not; but it is a choice.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2012):
 First of all you can't help feeling the way you do, but don't you think it's time to let it go?
I do agree with your husband, that it was a funeral, your SIL and husband had JUST lost their mother. I don't think it excuses your SIL from her behavior, but it might explain why she was lashing out. However, I'm guessing there is more to the story as to WHY she was lashing out at you.
Your husband is not his sister's keeper. I don't think it's fair that you STILL, 2 years later want to hold HIM responsible for HER behavior. My guess is that he didn't want DRAMA at his MOTHER'S funeral and therefor didn't engage with his sister and you. I don't blame him. Maybe she was always like that growing up? Lashing out at people? Maybe his mechanism in dealing with his sister is to ignore her and her behavior? It's really hard to say why he didn't stick up for you. And in general YES, I do think a spouse should stick up for a spouse, but there is a time and a place for that. And THAT is NOT at a funeral. My other thought is that maybe he "secretly" agrees with his sister?
Since nothing has been done about this episode, maybe you need to determine if this is so important for you to keep being bitter over it, or if you think you can let it go.
Sometimes one's spouse isn't as perfect as we wish them to be.
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