A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having trouble with my marriage...My husband has been down in the dumps lately. He's not happy and neither am I. I don't exactly know where the problem lies, but there are a few issues with his job that seem the most likely. See, his job takes him away from home for good periods of time. He's always working and tired all of the time, and I believe this to be the root of our problems, but he refuses to leave and find something closer to home. He believes that the money is worth the risk of loosing our marriage--I think otherwise.I have also been medically ill for a year or so, which is why I am currently unemployed. I offered to get a job, but he repeatedly tells me not to, because I will not be able to take off during the times that he is home. He wants me to be available during HIS vacation (approx 6 weeks of the year), and wants me at home. At the same time, he tells me that HE is the one earning the money, and that HE should be able to buy whatever he wants (5k TV, First Class flight tickets, etc.). He also tells me that I don't contribute to our marriage and that I'm lazy. I don't get why he tells me this if he insists that he doesn't want me to work!!!During the times he is gone for work, we rely on Skyping to communicate, or his satellite phone. Lately, he hasn't been calling me or skyping me either. I believe in marriage, and DO NOT believe in divorce, but I'm finding it hard to be the "punching bag" in this relationship. His verbal abuse when he's angry or his lack of respect that he tends to have towards me is getting to be enough. I'm not sure how much more I can take.I'm sure I have many faults in this too, but it seems to me that I'm the only one who's making an effort to make this marriage work. He doesn't want to talk and even when he does, he fails to communicate anything with me. He shuts down, and frankly, I don't know what else I can do. I know my questions hint all over the place, but I would appreciate any advise that anyone is willing to give on marriage or making a marriage work as a whole. And...FYI, we do not have any children and are going on 3 years married. He was not like this when we were dating...but after we got married, he seemed to have changed. :(Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): "I believe in marriage, and DO NOT believe in divorce, but I'm finding it hard to be the "punching bag" in this relationship. "This is the problem - you do not believe in divorce. That's why your marriage is so crappy. Your husband would have no incentive to ever change his behavior or show the least bit consideration for you if no matter how badly he treats you, you will still be there.After struggling 15 years in a toxic marriage (which involved infidelity, lies about debts and finances, and abuse) I have come to realize that if you don't believe in divorce, then you don't really believe in marriage either.It's like saying you believe in the Christian God but you don't believe in hell. back to marriage: I get what you mean by you don't believe in divorce. It means you believe that marriage should be good, wonderful, and committed. That's all very well. You started out having the right approach to marriage.But if you're married to someone who mistreats you while you're trying to make it work, to the point that you hate your life and yet you refuse to get divorced, you're now basically LOWERING the standard for marriages everywhere. By accepting everything your husband does (because you will not even consider divorce) you're essentially saying that it's OK to have no standards of conduct in marriage, and it's OK for spouses to mistreat each other. If your belief that divorce is not an option is so strong, then you have basically eliminated your options. thus your marriage continues on simply as a default and not because it's really your choice or because you actually believe in marriage.One person can't make a relationship work, because relationships have two people in it. Your husband has to be on board with you. If he's not, then he's broken the relationship already and it's up to you to either live within that broken relationship permanently or to end it.Another note is that your husband does not respect you. A marriage where there is no respect, is pretty much toxic.So ask yourself if maintaining a toxic marriage is better to you than divorce?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I think you should think about maybe moving closer to where he works. At least then you will both have the time to work on your marriage. This distance is really not good in a marriage. It won't work out if it continues like this. I can see you feel you are putting all the effort in to this, plus I am sure he is stressed at work, but if he can not move closer to you then why don't you go to him? Have you both spoke about this. At least this way you could maybe get a part time job in his area and you would both still get to see each other more than 6 weeks a year and you could maybe regain closeness in this marriage. Plus with you having a part time job it would mean more money for you both and then he couldn't always be trying to guilt you as you would be making money as well.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (16 May 2012):
That is a difficult situation. But i wonder if he would give me a different side to it. But i agree that it could stem from his job. In all honesty i think you should get a part time job 3days a week at most nothing too strenuous... But that way he cannot say you do not contribute. If you truely want to try to make your marriage work i would suggest couples counselling. If you cant afford to or he refuses is there any way you can sit him down and talk to him? And if he refuses to leave his job is there some way you could move closer. I dont typically advise people to just leave their homes but it may take some stress off and ease the tension if you are able to. I hope you can resolve your troubles best wishes.
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