A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all - I have posted before and just really need some encouragement. I suffer with bi-polar disorder and I'm having a very rough day today. As I'm writing I'm crying because I feel so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING my depression my family, house work. While these things may seem small to some, to me they're large things. I don't know where to begin. I do have a great husband who is extremely helpful to me and the family. I just feel like such a failure. I never feel like I give enough. Part of it is also because I have caused us great financial debt and it's something that while we are working on it. I just feel that we could have had so much more if I was a healthier person mentally. I just feel so much regret for so much that happened when I was in a severe manic phase... I was drinking heavy, smoking and abusing prescription painkillers. It has made me feel like such a horrible person. There are things I have done sexually with other men and women that I would never have done. Please believe me I'm making No excuses.... I'm just trying to get through this. This disorder is something that many people don't believe exists or just can't understand so Anything I MEAN anyone else suffering. If you are what do you do to relax, to forgive yourself and move on. I love my husband and my kids more than anything I just can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for them. Help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): The agony and guilt you are feeling is palatable in your post and, for the first time, felt that I had to reach out to you and share my story.
First, EVERYONE who suffers from Bi-Polar lives with the memories of the horrible things that were done.
I, too, created huge financial debt, put my children in jeopardy, self-medicated with mass quantities of alcohol (can't even think about the amount of money I spent on this alone)and even lost a job due to the mania. I can't even speak about the hyper-sexuality without feeling worthless. The low point was when I was driving and found myself driving into an overpass. The only thing that stopped me (at the last second) was leaving my children without a Mom. I was "crazy" but I guess not selfish.
I have had it all my life - undiagnosed. You would think majoring in psychology would have given me some insight, but I couldn't see it in myself. It has been almost 7 years since my last mixed episode. After trying several medications I am taking a couple that are working. I am debt free, my daughter graduated from college and my son is currently attending. We have talked candidly about the bad times and although they still remember, they understand that I could not control what was happening. They also know that I acccept responsibilty and admit that I should have addressed it when I felt it escalating.
My husband has taken another position. I have tried to explain the illness and the ramifications to him and have told him repeatedly that I am sorry. He says he understands but whenever we argue he throws it in my face. I can't control his reaction nor provide him with a solution in dealing with his anger. I have suggested couples counseling and/or a bi-polar support group. He won't even consider it. There was a time when I would be devastated by his attacks. I now realize I can only control my reaction to them. I have apologized,and, to the best of my ability,rectify the wrongs. There is nothing more I can do.
I have tried to make amends with friends and relatives who were negatively impacted by my illness. This was freeing to me - I could finally let the shame go and have forgiven myself.
This has been a long journey and I know the demons are always lurking in the shadows. I am sure at some point the medications will start to fail and my quest to find the next "magic potion" will be another up hill battle but I am ready.
You could have given up but you addressed your problem. I know how it feels...clawing your way back to sanity. Give yourself credit, many people NEVER come back. You're strong and courageous...you're a survivor.
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (5 January 2009):
I hope you can find encouragement and hope in the words that others have posted here. Just to let you know you are not alone, I too suffer from bipolar. I hide it well much of the time from those around me. My fiance knows when I am not doing so well, but unless I am bedridden, he does not even try to bring it up. He tries to ignore it and distract me instead. Sometimes his trying to distract me actually works. It all depends on the depth of my depression at that moment, and also what has triggered the episode (if he has said or done something to trigger it, then his trying to distract me does no good - it only makes things worse).
If you are able, get yourself into counseling, therapy. Also try a support group. Unfortunately, when we are feeling depressed, we tend to withdraw, isolate, internalize, until the voices inside us are so loud they become overwhelming. I don't mean that there are strange voices that I am hearing. It is my own voice reminding me of all my faults and all the negative things that have happened over time.
I seem to do better around other people, but not always. Sometimes these other people are triggers for me also and make me feel even worse. Other times these other people are a blessing without even knowing it and help pull me out of my funk.
I have benefitted in the past from therapy, but due to lack of insurance and funds, I have had to discontinue therapy for the time being. I still attend my support group. You are also in the States - try searching DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). They are a very warm loving environment for people like us and may have weekly meetings in your area if there is a local chapter.
Besides being a member, I am also one of their facilitators/moderators. When I am fulfilling this role, I tend to hide and cover up what's really going on inside, when instead I should be opening up. It's just a part of my illness, unfortunately. I guess I feel like on some level that when I am facilitating, I have to be the strong one for the rest of the group, and that often means pretending that all is okay, even when it's not. I give so much advice and caring and hope to people in my group who are seeking help, yet I find it difficult to follow my own advice, oddly enough. Again, part of my illness.
I will say that what seems to help me the most, when I can get myself motivated enough to do so, is journaling. I just type my thoughts onto the computer, date it, and save it, so I can go back and re-read it later if I want. It serves no purpose for anyone else, just me. It is an outlet to safely express my innermost thoughts, and only meant for my eyes. It is a way to vent, to release pent up thoughts, many of which others may perceive to be irrational or have no basis. But they are not irrational to me - I really feel them. My therapist would often tell me it's the depression causing you to think and feel that way. All I know is that some of my thoughts and feelings are huge, and I feel them at my very core, and they can be difficult to dismiss, and debilitating. Journaling allows me to acknowledge them and release them, even if only temporarily.
I will also say that sometimes replying on this message board helps, as it makes me feel better if I am able to offer help to someone else in need, no matter what troubles they are having.
Know that you are not alone - there are so many of us suffering and trying to get through this disorder which can be so self-defeating and debilitating at times. Try to keep busy, even if it is doing something seemingly mindless, such as sorting the laundry or planning your family's dinner for that evening. I know, even something that simple can be overwhelming at times. Also know your limits, and if you can't do it, you can't do it. No one's going to die if you have pizza AGAIN. And what's the worst that will happen if you don't get to the laundry - so somebody has to fish a pair of pants out of the pile that's already been worn.
If you do manage to get only one thing done all day long, take pride in that, and consider it a huge accomplishment. Even if that one thing is you simply getting yourself into the shower and out into clean clothes. For us, that is a major accomplishment on some days! Don't beat yourself up for the 100 things you did not get done. Don't focus on those things. They will still be there tomorrow, and when you feel up to it, it will get done, and not before. If you are having a bad day, forgive yourself, and know that the illness can and will do it to you. Know your limits, and they can be great for us, seemingly moreso than for others who do not suffer from this. We find ourselves wishing we could be more like other people, and wonder why this is happening to us. Why is something so simple for other people so difficult for us. Well, it's just one of many things that makes us special and unique, that's all.
Having bipolar is not unlike having diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. It is an illness that needs to be treated and managed.
I have experienced so many traumas this past year that it has caused me to be unable to work for the most part. I am a real estate agent, so obviously the economy is not helping matters either! I have tried to get "regular" jobs but to no avail. So our finances are not doing so well either. Some days I tell myself what can we do, it's the economy. Other days I beat myself up about it and remind myself that I never had any trouble finding work in the past and that I'm just not trying hard enough. I tell myself if only I weren't going through this depressive episode (which can be just as damaging as a manic episode!), if only I had more confidence, if only I had more self-esteem (much of the time I feel as though my self-esteem is non-existent). If only, if only, if only, then things would be normal, things would be okay. Well, that's not necessarily true, there are plenty of people who do not suffer from depression who are in the same boat, and I just have to remind myself of this from time to time.
I was still not doing so well before Christmas, so we did not have a tree, and there were hardly any decorations put up. We did not have the family gathering here at our house, b/c I just could not get things together. It was too overwhelming a task for me, even though I would have had help. There were many traditions we did not uphold this past holiday season, b/c I just was not up to it. That in itself was depressing to me, and I was sad about it, but I decided to forgive myself, and told myself there's always next year. I knew b/c of the past year and all the things that happened which made me feel as though I could write a book about it all, that I was at my limit as to what I was capable of doing. I was still trying to cope with a lengthy depressive episode that was just not letting up, save for a good day here and there. So, I told myself, I will just try to get through one day at a time. If I am having a bad day, and those days will come, then it is what it is - I am having a bad day. I will get nothing or next to nothing done on those days. If I am having a good day, then I will enjoy that, and try to remember it the next time I am having a bad day. When I have a bad day, I try not to beat myself up over it. I try to let those around me who might be trying to help, help. If my son wants to play a game and I really don't feel like it, I give in to his wishes and make myself play the game. I usually ultimately do not regret playing the game. On the contrary, playing the game ends up making me feel better. If my fiance wants to hug me but I just don't feel like hugging, I give in to his wishes and let him hug me anyway, instead of pushing him away. If he wants to take me out to dinner, I try to quell my thoughts of not wanting to leave the house, and instead let him make me feel better by going out with him, and letting that make him feel as though he has done something to make me feel happy, which only makes him feel good in return.
What we have is complicated and seemingly out of control at times. The experts don't fully understand it, nor do we, the afflicted. I've heard it said that managing it comes down to about 1/3 therapy, 1/3 meds, and 1/3 us, the sufferers. So what of us who can't take meds b/c of intolerance of the side effects, such as me? I guess I have to reach further inside myself and rely more heavily on myself, since I am missing a large chunk of the equation. I have to put in much more of the work needed myself. There are many people in my support group who are on meds, and the meds help them. In fact, I would say 95% of the people in my support group are on meds. I just can't take them - I've tried quite a few - b/c they all make me feel even worse, if that's possible.
When I was turning 30 (which was 17 years ago), I slipped into a deep depression. I don't remember how long it lasted - I want to say about a year. I got to the point where I reached inside myself, pulled myself up by the bootstraps so to speak, and told myself no more, this illness was not going to control me or run my life any longer. I was in charge, not the illness. Somehow it worked, for about 15 years, anyway. I of course got depressed from time to time, but it was only for a day or two here and there, and it was mild. I had manic episodes, but they were more hypomanic in nature, so I didn't do anything destructive (well, I was a bit careless with my spending for a time, but it didn't destroy my finances, fortunately).
Then, about a year and a half ago, I noticed I was going from sleeping no more than 6 hours a night to sleeping 10 hours a night! And the depressed feelings and thoughts started to return, and they returned with a vengeance. I didn't think I would ever get severely depressed again in my life b/c of that conviction I had made to myself, but guess what, it reared its ugly head once again. I am still battling it today.
I have since learned that yes, you can go many years without any severe manic or depressive episodes, only to have them return with seemingly no warning. I have learned that this is a lifelong battle, much as diabetes or high blood pressure would be. It's all a matter of learning how to live with it, how to manage it, how to cope with it. Sometimes easier said than done.
Please, if you are not in therapy, get yourself into therapy. Try to focus on that wonderful husband and family of yours. Know that you have this illness, but this illness does not have you. Know that you have limitations, respect them, try to work with them. You are NOT a failure - you are special and unique. You do the best you can (when you are feeling your worst), even if your best doesn't seem to measure up to others' best. Don't compare yourself to anyone else - that's not fair to you.
When we are truly at our best, we shine (and those days may be few and far between). When we are at our worst, it just shows that we are human, that's all. No more, no less. We will have times when we are at our worst more than we are at our best. That's the nature of the disorder (I usually prefer that word to illness).
I am trying to get myself to a place where I can again reach within myself, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and pull myself out of this, again. It's a really, really hard place to get to. But, I did it before, so who's to say I can't do it again. The choice is mine. Ha, that's easier said than done.
I feel your pain. You are not alone. You'd be surprised at how many others suffer with you. I hope that somehow you find relief and peace within yourself. And I hope I can do the same!
Good luck to you - I hope you feel better soon.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 Seems the link I gave you didn't work. Click on this link instead and look at the Wisdom Flash entitled "The Journey" by Neale Donald Walsch. There are lots of others here that you also might find interesting.
http://www.consciousone.com/wisdomflash/WFAuthorlist.cfm?AID=7
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 January 2009):
I'm sorry you're not feeling great at the moment, I can feel your pain but you have to move FORWARD! Don't keep thinking about the past, it's exactly that... the past! No amount of thinking or worrying about it is going to change what happened back then so throw it in the trash can, bury it and instead look forward to the future. Instead of thinking about all the negative things that have happened in your life think instead about the positive things you have. You have a lovely family and a very loving husband who adores you, how lucky you are. Most people would envy you for that alone.
Think of the simple things in life... if you have food in your refrigerator, a roof over your head and a place to sleep... you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your purse and spare change in a dish someplace... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the lonliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are TRULY thankful... you are blessed because the majority can but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder... you are blessed because you can offer them a healing touch.
If you can read this message I am sending to you then you have just received a double blessing that someone was thinking of you and furthermore... you are more blessed than over 2 billion people in the world that cannot read at all...
You have so many wonderful gifts. Count your blessings and be thankful. Love your family as much as they love you. And remember... "You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind."
Watch this short video, I hope it will bring you peace and comfort, I know it did me!
http://www.consciousone.com/friends/index.cfm?PID=148
Much love to you and your family,
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (4 January 2009):
 I can relate to you. The pressures of trying to hold the family together and there's nothing worse than money worries and trying to get by. I tried to help myself by pacing myself day to day, before I went to bed on a night I had a plan for myself to keep myself going the next day and an excuse to get up on a morning. Just a couple of jobs for example, clean the bathroom, sweep the path outside. I planned a meal so we could all sit down together. I did a budjet with my partner and so then he realized what money troubles we were in and helped with the budjet. Unfortunately I ended up going bankrupt because i really couldnt see a way out with that, but it is the best thing ive ever done and gave me a fresh start. Take the kids out to the park or a walk for some fresh air away from the home and try to have fun for them, it will rub off on you.
It may help overall just to talk to someone about your worries and fears and also stick to a daily plan just so that you have a purpose for each day so that you don't go under any further. Your family need to understand that you can't do this alone and they must support you through this. Try to talk yourself out of this depression and make yourself stronger. Your family will be the strength that will pull you through.
Some medicines have side effects that could bring on depression even more so it can sometimes be an endless cycle. Try to make it in your plan to do without them.
Good luck, you sound as if you have a lovely family worth fighting for. Hope this helps a bit.
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