A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help! I can't decide between these two guys and I feel just horrible. The first guy "Dan" is a laid back, more life adventurous, and spontaneous guy. We went out for almost a year and things got rocky because of our age difference and travel distance after I moved in with my father. We talked on and off until I went out with "Steve" and eventually moved back. Steve is a more serious guy, realistic, and can handle his own. Steve and I went out for a little over a year. We broke up because we fought often over petty things. Such as me crunching my chips too loud. (That was honestly one of our arguments.) After Steve and I broke up Dan had texted me (not knowing anything about the breakup) and asked to hang out. None the less I felt a spark. I have always had feelings for Dan. He was my first serious relationship and my first love. After he broke up with me I never had that closure and was always stuck with "what if..." When I am with him I feel alive. He makes me smile and I feel like the sweetest person with him. Now, Steve has been working on himself to change for me. He's even set up a meeting to see a therapist, I think it's a little much but, he's trying. Steve is a sweetheart. He treats me like I am his Queen. I can be goofy around him and feel like the prettiest girl around. Now they're both great guys. I love Steve, I do, but how if I never stopped loving Dan? They're both trying and I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to lose Steve but I also want to see what Dan and I could have together. What do I do?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Cerberus hits the nail on the head again.
Both relationships had issues, so you broke up.
If you really felt *connected* to one of the men, you would convey that in your post. Instead, you label them: one is adventurous, one is goofy, one's a sweetheart, one is this, one is that. Then you talk about the problems you had.
It's time to leave these two men in the past. I might feel differently if at some point you said "I love and admire this man. I respect and connect to him. I feel that even though we had issues that we have been working together to make our relationship stronger". You didn't, so I would suggest finding someone new.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): I think you need to move on and get with someone new.
Both relationships failed OP. Danny boy is still a lot older than you and it got rocky the first time, it probably will again as the issues haven't really gone away, only the feelings have stayed.
The same goes for Steve, you two just didn't get on and he can spend 20 years changing himself that will never change.
I personally think it's time to turn over a new leaf and go on to the next guy. The thing is though you kind of sound like a romantic dreamer to me OP. Because you're very much basing all your decisions here on feelings alone. You're back with danny boy because of a "what if"? and can't let go of Steve just in case he turns out to be perfect?
Most of all though OP, if you really, truly loved either of them then you really wouldn't even have to make a choice. The fact is you're in love with the idea of the "what if" more than you are the two guys. The notion of what might happen, the hope and not the reality. The fact is both of these relationships failed OP, and the reasons they failed are still pertinent and aren't going to go away. Sure dan may be the sweetest guy ever for a little while but once he's stopped trying to chase you again all the things that tore you apart in the first place will pop up again, and the same will happen with Steve. OP if Steve really is going to change himself that kind of change takes years and years of work to complete but it's just simply not going to work for you both.
I say choose a third OP, make a break for it and start again with a new guy. Time to start thinking with your head OP and not your heart. They didn't work before so other than hope, what reasons have you to believe that this time will be different?
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (24 September 2012):
What are your ultimate goals when you are in a relationship? Are you looking for the man you will eventually marry, or are you simply looking to be in a relationship with anyone who you feel you are compatible with?
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