A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'll start this off by saying this is most likely not normal. My wife and I seperated for a couple months a few years ago. During that time she got with another man. As we were both certain we wouldn't reconcile at this time, I can't hold the fling against her as much as it hurts. Well it seems to me by the way she talks about what happened while we were apart, this man was her shoulder to cry on and they ended up having sex. She also implies he was mentally abusive, and considering her frame of mind at the time I believe easily manipulated. She told me the first time it just happened, but was painful and did not enjoy it. After that she claims that she did it because that's what she thought was expected of her and she was afraid to say no. Before we had this talk, I used to think to myself " I bet she never turned him down" whenever she turned me down. Now when she says no, it's now often she does. ( she initiates half the time) I feel rejected, especially now that I know the other man was never rejected. It hurts, and I try not to let her in on the fact it bothers me. Sometimes when I have a bad night, I try to be intamate in the morning just to feel wanted or needed. It's usually at my worst mental time that she says no. It's not even about the sex, I'd be happy if she said yes and we didn't. Something like, "I'm really not into it, but we can". I'd be happy with that and not pressure her into it. I don't enjoy sex unless she is into it, I'm just trying to not feel rejected. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 I would *highly* recommend your wife and you read the books by Dr Laura Schlessinger entitled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". Both are easily available and talk about what you are going through. I know they are extremely powerful and if your wife is seriously interested in repairing your relationship, she should examine those books.
Many men have gone through similar problems with yours. Sometimes sex is the bell weather for the overall health of a relationship and when she isn't in the mood, I think you need to ask yourself why. Is she tired? Overworked? Not feeling pretty? Busy with children? Not clean feeling? All these things can be a sex killer.
If I were you, I'd start off by writing her a letter. Keep it short and sweet and LEAVE the other man out of it. It sounds like he is in the past and if you keep bringing it up, she may be feel overwhelming guilt associated with her action. Explain to her the hurt and pain that you feel when she rejects you and that you want to make her happy. See how she reacts.
I would also encourage you to look at taking a romantic vacation. Even if your finances are limited, go someplace where you aren't in the same routine. Check out that city a few hundred miles away or go to someplace exotic if you can afford id. Sometimes exploring new venues with one another can rekindle your excitement for one another. It also helps form new, pleasant memories instead of the most recent one: your separation.
Finally, if you haven't done so already, I would invite you to seek some sort of therapy. I suspect there is something much deeper that needs to be addressed that you haven't quite addressed in your question. Hopefully, a competent therapist can help you deal with whatever issues you may have been having.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 September 2012):
 I think you have this all wrong. If anything, she is turning you down because she had such terrible experiences with the other guy and is having difficulty getting passed those experiences. It's more likely that she feels safe and more free to be herself with you. When she feels like sex, she chooses to have sex with you. When she does not feel like sex, she chooses not to have sex with you. She doesn't feel forced into sex like she felt with the other guy because she knows you care about her, respect her, and would not try to manipulate her. Do you understand what I am saying?
Do you want a woman who says "yes" to you all the time and just goes through the motions of sex? Do you want a robot? Be happy this woman FEELS SAFE to say NO to you. She trusts you not to hurt her. She trusts you enough to tell you her most intimate experiences.
That said, if she turns you down all the time or you just get extremely frustrated before you are not having as much sex as you'd like, I would have a serious conversation about it with her. Tell her you don't want to pressure her, but sometimes you feel rejected. You don't really have to ask her a question or tell her more than that. She should respond respectfully if she cares about you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012): Sex is only a part of our relationship, not the defining aspect. We do have a lot of sex and I probably say no more than she does. It's just that she says no when I need the intamacy the most. Has nothing to even do with the physical. It's usually when I wake up after having a nightmare about them being together.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (24 September 2012):
When a woman is in an abusive relationship, she doesn't have a choice. She could NOT say no to him because it simply wasn't an option.
She gave in to having sex with him because the alternative was worse. He was a nasty excuse for a human being. He hurt her during sex and didn't care! To a woman, not having the option to say no to sex is like being raped by the person who is supposed to care about you over and over again. It is incredibly damaging emotionally and makes her feel like a lesser person. I was in a relationship years ago that was like this. Please, Please, Please, i beg you to not compare yourself with this evil man! You are cut from a better moral fabric!
Most likely, her not wanting to have sex has to do with declining hormones or being genuinely tired. I think you two need to discuss your level of intimacy and affection for one another. If sex is the only way you both express your affection, you need to explore other ways to show your love for one another. Actions like tender kisses, hugs, cuddles, massage, etc when you are having a rough day can make all the difference in the world.
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