A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok maybe this self explanatory but I think I need some advice. Basically I knew this man for a couple of months, started as friendship and soon escalated to constant emails during work and texts etc. Eventually we got together and were seeing each other a month, everything going really well. Then he went away for a weekend and basically came back being very distant. Just emails during the week and no texts/phone calls anymore. When I asked him if he wanted to meet up (in a casual way), he said he couldnt because he had something on. But instead of being distant, he is still really chatty on email. I know for a fact he didnt get with anyone on this weekend away, although I think maybe some of his friends suggested for him to calm things down between me and him. You see He broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years a few months ago and I just think he wants the single life, no ties etc. And that is why he wants to keep contact with me. The thing is, I fell for him, and now i feel like im in limbo land, i feel that i cant say anything to him about it because we were only seeing each other. Dont want him to think i am being needy etc. And I know he likes me. His friend only said to my friend last week "he really likes her but he just doesnt want to get into a relationship right now" So what do i do? - Wait for him? ask him how long I should I wait? Ah....help! :)
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female
reader, texaskitty  +, writes (15 July 2008):
I know the feeling and it is a feeling of being undervalued. It is hard when your heartstrings are involved - you don't want to say or do the wrong thing. Ok, that being said, if you want the type of life where you are proactive and get what you want - you have to put your self out there. It seems you have done so emotionally, which is hard for a lot of people to do, so now it is getting reciprocity. Well, you can't change him and you know that - you can only change yourself and then the world around you will adjust accordingly. If you want to move forward and he isn't sure what he wants then the key is to act in a way that he will fear that he will lose you and if and only if he does have those real feelings for you they will overcome any desire he has to be free. How do you do this? It is kind of harsh but either tell him that you want to see other people and if you haven't even gotten to the stage of commitment e.g., you are just dating then - don't be available for every date he asks you on or tell him you would like to see him but only thursday or saturday works because you are meeting some friends on friday - he needs to perceive a THREAT that he will lose you - going out with friends on a friday night is a clear THREAT and it is also something a confident desirable person does when they aren't getting fulfilled from their boyfriend - if you want to be even harder you can say "i have plans friday with a friend" but maybe we can see eachother thursday or saturday - that will really stir him up. Of course he will act like he doesn't care - that is a GUT reaction but when you hang the phone up or stop texting he will be left with the aftermath of this conversation in his mouth - kind of like the taste of that green mustard that you eat with sushi - it stings after ---Of course he is not going to show you that he cares at all - that is his EGO speaking but believe me it will be a punch in the gut and either get this guy moving in the right direction or a clear sign to move on. Wish you the best - be happy and cheerful and pretend when you are talking to him that you were just crowned Miss Universe (eg act and feel confident). All the best.
A
female
reader, Kissies4ubaby +, writes (15 July 2008):
 you should tell him that you like him but are not prepared to wait for him to be ready, as life is too short he will then have to make his decision, it is unfair of him to be like that. The ultimatum will shift him into gear. either way you have to know.
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