A
male
age
41-50,
*anapart
writes:dear agony aunt,im 28 ive been with the same 27 year old lady for almost a year and a half.we got engaged 9 months ago and now she has left me.our greatest problem arose from our sexual relationship because she promised her mom she would waite till she got married,we started making love after the first week.i know thats soon but it was really love at first sight.she then started loathing herself for that reason.we had silly arguments and i felt that i needed to convince her that it wasnt wrong.id never been in a sexless relationship and thought,as i still do that she is special,because of her innocence and because she chose me.i built my world around the dream we were meant to be,now everything is falling apart.i cry like a baby,i call out her name,i long for her and i feel like i cant breathe.there was no big fight,no cheating from my side,no hateful exchange of words,just nothing anymore.what do i do to let go of my butterfly?
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male
reader, manapart +, writes (18 July 2008):
manapart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTO THE ANONYMOUS LADY WHO WROTE ON 15 JULY,ABOUT A BREAK FROM SEX.ITS PRETTY DIFFICULT WHEN SHE HAS NEVER SLEPT OVER DUE TO HER PARENTS,SO SHARING A BED IS NOT AN OPTION IN ANY WAY AS SHE HAS NOT MADE ANY CONTACT WITH ME,EVEN THOUGH I TRIED NUMEROUS TIMES.NO LADY,NO SUGGESTION
A
male
reader, manapart +, writes (18 July 2008):
manapart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU TO THE ANONYMOUS READER.IT DOESNT MAKE THE BREAK EASIER TO DIGEST BUT IT MAKES ALOT OF SENSE.I HAVE CHECKED OUT OTHER SITES FOR MORE WAYS TO DEAL WITH HOW IM FEELING BUT NOTHING HAS REALLY HELPED.IM LIKE A PERSON THAT LOST SOMEONE TO DEATH.DID SHE EVER REALLY LOVE ME?WAS I JUST AN EXPERIMENT CONSIDERING SHE HAD NO OTHER UNTIL THE AGE OF 25?AM I FOOLING MYSELF WITH THE HOPE SHE WILL COME BACK? SHOULD I MOVE ON AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE,CONSIDERING IM A GOOD LOOKING GUY,SO FINDING PLEASURE ISNT THE PROBLEM.HOW CAN I LET HER KNOW IT WASNT JUST SEX OR DOES SHE KNOW? WHY DID I PLACE SO MUCH VALUE ON HER INNOCENCE?MY INTENTIONS WERE RIGHT,I REALLY WANTED TO BUY THIS "COW",SO WHY AM I PAYING SO DEARLY FOR LOVING HER?IF IT WERE LUST,I WOULDNT CARE BUT IT WASNT,THIS IS F...ING ME UP BIG TIME,I REALLY MISS HER.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): It doesn't sound like she was even being very fair to you.She didn't convey that she felt so conflicted about starting to have sex with you? And she portrays it as something she just did to placate you, even though you weren't led to believe that at the time? That's really just a way to shift the blame off herself. She regrets doing something so she decides to revise the real story. Now she didn't want to do it in the first place after all, and that makes it easier to blame you for being the bad guy that pushed her to violate her morality.I don't know whether she'll work this out or not. But I say you definitely shouldn't take any shit for your role in it. Of course there are some times when a guy pushes unfairly hard until a girl has violated her own internal rules just to please him, but this does not sound like one of those times. She did something willingly and now she regrets it. She's due some sympathy from you just because she's regretting a bad decision she made, but don't let her make this out to be your fault.
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A
male
reader, manapart +, writes (16 July 2008):
manapart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello again.to the anonymous guy,i had no clue she was that sensitive to begin with.it was only 7 days.i couldnt assume that making love to her would eventually lead to this.she is the most quiet lady and i in only one way regret our sexual past.if we never had one,what would it have been for?the other circumstances would still have been there.she heard lately that she might need to travel occasionally,she told me 3 weeks after finding out.she said,i wouldnt be able to handle it(and she thinks she knows me)and with this prediction started being negative about any future prospects,what could i do?you cant argue or discuss things nicely,its either her way or no way,her way actually being her families way,since she is in a family business.its caused so much unpleasantness because we had hardly any time together toward the end.then when i was with her of course i wanted to make love to her.she saw it purely as my relief.it wasnt,i didnt and dont need her for that.becoming one with her was wonderful because of the high regard i have for her.i think i put her on such a high pedastal that she jumped rather than live up to it.that sucks big time because nothing was stopping her from being completely open and sensual,except the fing promise.did i mention she is catholic? boy oh boy,is this fixible??does she love me still?am i waisting my time? all my "friends" say i should just go out and be with other girls,what do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): you have to understand how she feels also. You knew how important it was for her to wait, but she gave in because she loved you and didn't want to hurt you. now you are both hurt, you because she's gone and her because she lost something that was so sacred to her, her virginity. I have no real advice but just know that if the two of you are suppose to be together then somehow,someway it will happen
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Before I tell you how to let go of your butterfly, let me explain why your butterfly flew away. Though you have never been in a sexless relationship, she had made a commitment with her mother that she would wait until marriage Now depending on the tyoe of person she is, and the relationship with her mother, if she breaks that commitment, which she did, it would have affects on her...In her eyes what you were doing was trying to convince her that disrespecting her mother was ok, and that nothing was wrong with that, which in her eyes is untrue. You should have been more supportive, and been willing to sacrifice sex for a little bit for her, if you really loved her that much. Because there was obviously sacrifice that had occurred. She sacrificed the commitment she made with her mother for you, which meant alot to her. And it wasn't a matter of whether waiting till she got married was right or wrong, its a matter of she promised her mother...but how do you get over it...you just have to wait, and give it time. Anything else can have detrimental effects, on you or the other person. Unless you can actually find someone in you situation, you guys can hang out and become buddies. but becareful because real love doesn't fade that easily.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): have you suggested that you just take a break from having sex, but still share a bed and everything that way you could both please each other but she would still think she was being faithful to her promise to her mum.
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A
male
reader, manapart +, writes (15 July 2008):
manapart is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think its really over,for her.i dont understand how it could mean so little if im number 1.ive had 10 girls and when it breaks,im hurt no matter how messed up it was.i did a numerology thing on her and it seems people like her are able to just let go without suffering trauma.i sent a sms saying i would take her back,even though my rule is to the contrary,but no reply,today i smsd that i miss her but no reply.i cant phone,she has 2 brothers that are sarcasticly a bit bigger than me and im not common so im not gonna fight to see her.i just want to be strong enough to be like other guys,say f it and move on but im a romantic,a poet,a lover and by no means a foolish brawler. time cant be erased but if it were possible,i would never have slept with her.i dont think it hurts as much when you just hold hands and kiss.i could be wrong though,maybe i wanted too much.
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A
female
reader, Kissies4ubaby  +, writes (15 July 2008):
 have you tried to approach her about is it really over and there is no hope?
It is such a tough time to go through the only thing I can say is try to keep busy and try new things. If it is definitley over then you will need to try and preoccupy yourself. Meet new people and have new experiences.
Fate has a funny way of bringing the people we love the most back into our lives.
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