A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a very confused state. I am torn between two men. The first guy, (we'll call him John) and I have been in an on-off relationship for almost 6 years now. Initially I did love him, as he showered me with gifts, and did lots of little favors for me (this has made me become very dependant on him). He also gets along with my family really well. However, we also constantly argue - mostly because he is extremely possessive, controlling, and always invading my privacy (i.e. snooping through my phone, computer, etc.), despite the fact that I have been faithful to him throughout our relationship. I have lost many friends as a result of this relationship, which has on occasion, also turned violent. Consequently, I believe I have fallen out of love with this guy. I also no longer have any physical attraction towards him. I have voiced all of these feelings to my partner and we decided to take some time apart until I make a decision about whether or not I want to continue this relationship. In the meantime:I became in contact with a very handsome long-lost friend from interstate (we’ll call him Rob), whom I had not seen or heard from in years. In our teens, we were very close despite our distance. I know he wanted to be more than friends but back then I didn’t and we eventually lost contact when I began dating John (Rob said he couldn’t bear to watch me be with someone else). After not hearing from Rob in about 4 years, I decided to try and contact him and we began emailing and calling each other again. It was at this point that I realized I had feelings for him but I said nothing because I thought he was well and truly over me. Not only that, he had begun a casual relationship with someone else and I felt uncomfortable voicing my feelings given the situation. Well, about 6 months after we became in contact again, I was visiting interstate and Rob invited me over his house. We had a coffee and catch-up and I thought that was it. But I came back a few weeks later and the next time we saw each other we ended up going to dinner and kissing. There was definitely some serious chemistry between us and we continued to see each other for another week until I went back home and things returned to normal. Rob said that his feelings for me were definitely still there but our distance made things awkward, and that he did not want to risk dumping the other girl in fear that he’d lose me again and end up with neither of us. He told me to clear my head before we could talk about ‘us’ and decide what to do. Well, about two weeks later I returned to see him again and things are now getting quite serious. He says he has no interest in this other woman (who has no idea about me), yet he admits he would continue to sleep with her until I decide which guy I want. He has introduced me to his friends and has even said he loves me and I believe him. Knowing him all these years, his behavior is definitely the behavior of someone in love. I think I love him too.The problem is, I feel as if I am stuck in this relationship back home and feel scared to lose John in case my relationship with Rob doesn’t work out (As right as it feels, I’m still weary because it’s early days and we’re still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase). Rob and I have kept our ‘friendship’ a secret from people – primarily for my sake (in case John hurts me and until I figure out what to do) but also for his (while he is sure he wants me, he doesn’t want to rush anything for fear of getting hurt again). Which guy do I choose?
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 You might have to give your mom a pass on this one. If she already knows how violent John is and doesn't care, I don't think she's the right one to talk to. Moms aren't always right. Do you have any friends you can sit down with?
I also feel that it's important for you to be by yourself for a while before you talk to either. It might be helpful for you to journal about your thoughts and feelings and use that to help you in your decisions.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK here is another update on my situation:Yes, my mom knows about John's violent behaviour, and I have told her how I have lost my feelings for him. Rob on the other hand, I can't get out of my head. She keeps telling me how crazy I am for thinking of giving up a wonderful guy like John for him, yet she knows nothing about him and won't support my feelings or even give Rob a chance.Rob has told me how scared he was of having his heart broken again, but has told me that he's made the decision to take a risk, has broken it off completely with his sleeping buddy, and is willing to wait for me - whatever the outcome. I feel really alone at the moment and have no idea what to do. I feel like I need time away from them both to make things clearer, but that I also need to see them both and have a one-to-one chat before I make a final decision. The problem is, I have no one to support me about this and it makes it all the more difficult. What should I do about my mom?Help.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (16 July 2009):
Does you mom know how controlling and violent John is? If she doesn't definitely try talking to her about it. Your mom sounds like she has some control freak tendencies herself (which may explain why you are so attracted to John) but hopefully she will understand about the violence.
I also think that John spoiling you is not only about giving you nice gifts, but instead is another form of control. It's another way to trap you into staying into the relationship and making you feel guilty over what he gives you. He gets to feel superior and to feel like he owns you now since you're in his debt.
I strongly encourage you to make a clean break and put your own happiness first. Rob is probably not the answer. Learning yourself and your boundaries is.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk,
the situation has now become worse...John and I agreed (for the sake of 6 years) to take time apart again for a while, instead of ending our relationship all together.
This time last week, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I thought I wanted Rob, and he has agreed to give me the time and space I need until I clear my head and make a decision about what I want out of my life. he has told me he loves me and will wait for me. However, I have also missed having John around (not as much as I miss Rob though).
in the meantime, my mum has been snooping through my phone and found out about rob. she is furious at me, and despite knowing nothing about him, she is insisting that my family will dis-own me if i ever leave john for him; that no one could ever love me or spoil me like john (to an extent, this is true...rob has been open with my about his love for me, but he admits he is not in the financial position to buy me luxury gifts on a day to day basis); she also says i am an embarrassment to the family, etc. She also thinks that I dont know rob well enough to have a long and happy future with him...
This has made the situation all the more difficult for me...Help...Any advice would be appreciated...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thanks for your help. I have since broken up with John, but unfortunately things are not going so well with Rob either. I feel as if the minute I go back home, he's back with his sleeping buddy and forgets all about me. I'm completely shattered because of this, given that I have already made it clear that I am willing to move states for him...This is a big problem for me, as in all my previous relationships I've always been second best to friends, other girlfriends, etc...I feel as if I'll never be happy...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thanks for your help. I have since broken up with John, but unfortunately things are not going so well with Rob either. I feel as if the minute I go back home, he's back with his sleeping buddy and forgets all about me. I'm completely shattered because of this, given that I have already made it clear that I am willing to move states for him...This is a big problem for me, as in all my previous relationships I've always been second best to friends, other girlfriends, etc...I feel as if I'll never be happy...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): You really do have two separate problems here. The first one is: Do you stay with John. The answer sounds like know, and it sounds like you already know that. Sadly, not every relationship pans out like you want it to, and it doesn't sound like John is good for you.The second one is: Do you date Rob. Sure, why not? If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Maybe distance will be too great a factor, but maybe you'll work through it. You won't know till you try.The reason you really have to keep both questions separate from each other is you can't let the answer to your second question be determined by the answer to your first, or you're not giving your chance with Rob the right starting ground. Don't leave John to be with Rob. Leave John because John isn't who you want to be with. If you leave one for the other you'll wonder which was better. Judge them separately. It's two different situations, and like someone else said, you don't have to end with either.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 July 2009):
Well I would definitely not pick John. Someone who is violent, controlling and possessive is not good for a long term relationship. Staying with him would erode your self-confidence further and wouldn't be healthy for you. Life is too short to stay in a bad relationship.
That doesn't mean you have to pick Rob either. He seems like a nice enough guy and he has been honest with you (a big plus), but you're right, the distance can be quite a factor.
I suggest that you break it off with John and stay single for a while. Enjoy some time alone and determine exactly what you want out of a boyfriend. Do you want someone who respects you, respects your family, wants children, etc? What are your deal breakers? If things get heavy with Rob would you consider moving or do you want him to move closer to you?
In the meantime, keep in contact with Rob but keep it casual until you have healed yourself. It's okay to take time for yourself.
Good luck.
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