A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts, I have a problem and I'm sorry if this is long. I was married to a girl who is from a different country - we met when she was studying. Fast Forward two years and I married to her. We had a child who is now 18 months but my wife kept needing to go back overseas to be with her parents and she found my country to be boring - just stayed home and didn't do anything. She was also quite controlling and critical. Anyways when we had our daughter - which she had in her country (coz her mum was looking after her) she moved back and forth between countries.. When she was overseas with our daughter - I met a girl through work and I became infatuated with her. I told my wife I wanted to separate and began a relationship with this girl - now my wife wont let my daughter come to my country and the only option I have is to start again with my wife (she wants me to come back).. Anyway this other girl moved in with me and now I feel stuck - I stupidly started talking to my wife again and she thinks that I just dated a girl for a bit that's it.. finished. Now I'm stuck in this lie and feel like I am playing with my future relationship with my daughter.. I know I'm an idiot and lying **** but please help.. I have a girlfriend living with me who thinks I love her and a wife who wants me to love her... I love my daughter so much and haven't held her since she was 6 months old..neither the girl nor my wife know what I'm thinking and neither do I!!!
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 September 2016):
 Since you do not live your wife and you don't want to be coerced in living her then divorce her. Get a lawyer and explain the situation, particularly that she has taken your child away. See what the lawyer says us the best way to handle this.
As for your new woman, you should have told her from the get go of your situation. Not just that it isn't fair but it is a major let down to be led to believe one thing and come to find out that you are married. If it was the other way around you'd be fuming. However, truthful you must be so fess up and unload the truth to her, then let the chips fall where they may.
You are correct that status quo cannot remain. So get a lawyer first, figure out the options to detangle from your wife, then spill the truth to your new woman and live with the consequences, whatever she may decide to do.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (4 September 2016):
I agree with the previous person, you need to tell your girlfriend what is going on. It sounds like you dont want to be with your wife which makes things slightly simpler. You need to find out online if there is an agreement between you and your wifes countries regarding custody/ Hague Convention. Then you need to see a lawyer for advice on how to proceed. Good luck but tell your girlfriend the truth
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 September 2016):
Assuming you want to be with your girlfriend, why not just tell her the truth? You have a wife with whom you have separated, but she is trying to blackmail you with your daughter as the weapon. I am sure your girlfriend will sympathise. She may leave, not wanting the drama, but hard as that will be, you wouldn’t be able to keep the pretence up forever. Alternatively she may support you and understand. I don’t think you should allow your wife to bully you in to returning to her and should try to explain to her how unfair this blackmail is on your poor daughter who should be able to see her father, regardless of the state of your relationship. I would also take legal advice: custody across borders is undoubtedly a complex area and some legal expertise will be needed if she continues to behave in this way. But if you go back to your wife against your will, what will be next? What is the next thing you’ll be expected to do under the threat of losing your daughter? I know that you don’t want to put your access to your daughter at risk but you’ve got to be sensible and practical about this: this is emotional abuse. You can end your current quandary by telling your girlfriend the truth.
I wish you all the very best.
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