A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband established two illicit text relationships over a period of two months, he slept with one of the woman after getting seriously drunk. I have decided to give him a second chance and I am plagued with the usual hauntings a victim of an affair has. I am however struggling to understand one issue. My husband did not finish the job when he slept with this one woman, he was very drunk, but he also maintains that during the illicit graphic text affairs he did not releive himself, he has told me he was aroused by knowing he could make two women orgasm by text, but he himself did not. He said alot of the texts took place when I was around. I do not understand his motivations for engaging in these affairs without getting gratification. He says it was ego, knowing women would do what he wanted when he told them, but I struggle to understand why he would risk everything, his family, his life etc and not get anything out of it?He has told me he does not understand either. I have searched the internet for similar affair examples but I get the impression all men generally gratify themselves? Also he led these women to believe he was masterbating at the same time. I want to try to understand what all this pain he has put me through was about as it seems to be deeper than sex.Thanks.
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affair, drunk, orgasm, period, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): Well I hope you have got the power in this relationship now and everything works out ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has helped with my quest, having discussed things further with my husband I am inclined to accept the advice on power, ego and mid life crisis. My husbands behaviour is totally out of character for him, there were many things I thought he would do in his life but cheating just did nit fit the scale for him. He says he got drawn into it by accident, then got in to deep and then did't stop because he was scared the women would tell. I think one woman did threaten him with telling me if he stopped. Overall I never ever thought I would forgive infidelity and I am surprised at myself for wanting to stay with him, but I do. In a way this has given us both a shock and I know he is really trying to make amends, the fact he has told me any detail about the affairs is a start for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): "I'm struggling to understand why my husband had affairs!"
Because he's a selfish inconsiderate amoral pig. You don't need an expanation for his behavior, his behavior is the explanation. That's why he risked what he risked to do what he did: he's a selfish inconsiderate amoral pig.
No, nothing you did "wrong" though most scumbags try to blame the wife, don't fall for it.
Why do women always need a reason why for abhorrent behavior? He's a selfish inconsiderate amoral pig, do you
need to mitigate his piggishness by knowing where hubby rates on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being the least selfishly inconsiderately amorally piggish and 10 being the most selfishly inconsiderately amorally piggish?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Let's assume that he's a cheat and not a compulsive liar. Then he has told you the truth. These women boasted his ego, made him feel like a young man again. (I'm assuming he is as old as you) Made him feel like he had a dangerous secret. Then he got pulled into his own bullshit and done the deed with some woman who couldn't even turn him on properly, so he fell asleep.
He was bored and these women gave him excitement. Your husband is an idiot, he didn't think he would get caught. He wasn't thinking about the consequences, your "old man" was acting like a horny brainless teenager, he wasn't thinking anything at all.
I am so sorry for your pain. But it does sound like a mid-life crisis, this is about him feeling old and not really about the sex at all.
Since you decide to keep the stupid cheat, I suggest you start thinking of ways to spice up your married life, and again I don't mean only sex. What was some of the wild things you two did when you were dating. Take him to the movies and start necking in the back row. For punishment, wear no underwear when shopping, take him with you and don't allow him to touch, but tell him all about it. Many ways to make a guilty man suffer and still keep him excited and keen on you. He'll be scared of this new angry you (get new haircut, new sexy underwear, and maybe start going out with girlfriends) and he'll be too worried about your idea of revenge, he'll have no time to think about strange women.
Again, sorry he has destroyed your trust and made you feel so sad with your once happy marriage.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 First of all I am sorry for your pain with this situation. I understand it, sadly all too well.
I can tell you there were times many years ago (when I was single) that I had online “affairs” and “cybersex” and I would pretend to relieve myself because it seemed to get the other person off… (it was the ONLY time I’d ever fake an orgasm) I never understood how folks found it arousing to see written in text “ohhhhhhhhhhh, huuuuuuuuuuuuuuu… ooooooooooooo, I’m cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmming”
But hey to each his own… that being said, I totally believe your husband when he says that his motivation was pure ego and that the KNOWING he had the power to make women orgasm by text was a turn on. (of course you could knock him down a few pegs by letting him know they like me might have been faking it)…
Texting on his phone while you are sitting right there is very arousing.. my now ex-husband used to do it all the time…(and yes that is ONE of the reasons he’s an ex) it was “getting away” with something when he should not have been… even more so because you were RIGHT THERE and it was RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE… how exciting it is… (for him I’ll bet)
Why he would risk everything? Who knows… my hubby did and he lost, your hubby did and he won… you’re still there figuring out how to make it work…
And yes I can see that it’s NOT about sex.. it’s about POWER…
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Why did your husband have affairs? Well because he is selfish and only thinks of himself and his needs.
He has something inside of him that needs fixing.
PM me if you want to chat further.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 March 2012):
 I agree, there is no real way to know the full truth and he will only tell you what he wants you to hear because he wants to protect his own security. I am not sure I would believe that he didn't get any gratification. He obviously got physical with one (drunk or not) and the finer details really don't add or remove anything from the 'offence'
It's so hard and painful for the person who gets cheated on because your mind tries to fill in the gaps and search for reasons. This is a defence mechanism to protect your self esteem but rarely do people get to the actual truth.
For most people the only option is to draw a line under what has happened and try to move on and it is the 'wronged' partner that bears the brunt of the burden and trust his hard to regain but not impossible for some.
I guess if your husband does it again then you won't be giving him any more chances but maybe he won't and you can rebuild your marriage again.
Best of luck
AE x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): "I have searched the internet for similar affair examples but I get the impression all men generally gratify themselves?"
I don't understand what you mean here. If you mean we masturbate while in relationships then yeah most of us do. If you mean do we flirt behind our partners back with the intention of get involved (even cyber involved) with other women online then my answer is no. It's not something I have ever done but it is something I am hearing more often. One female friend of mine ended a relationship because of it and a male friend of mine lost his relationship because he did it, I also know some female friends who are doing that kind of thing at the moment and they're either in a relationship or the guy they're "getting to know" is.
"I think most men indulge in this type of 'fun' purely because, nowadays, they can."
I don't think that's the case to be honest, I prefer to believe most of us don't and in my experience more women do this kind of thing than guys. She does have a point though it is way too easy to start off and to fall into this kind of thing because the access we have to other people is as simple as turning on your computer while sitting at home.
The line between harmless flirting online and emotional affair is very thin. I can say things to my female friends that could be considered flirting for example, like turning what they said into a sexual innuendo or paying them a compliment. But I don't keep any of that secret from my girlfriend. I don't have any chats online that she's not free to view any time she wants. I save every single chat, email and text message I've sent for the past 6 years saved, not for this reason but nonetheless she is allowed free access to it all if she likes and I have the same access to hers. Except Facebook actually because we had a vicious 2 month Frape war that got a bit out of hand but our chats and Facebook messages are saved by a different program and is viewable without a password.
I'm telling you all this because if your husband wants to make amends then you both need to set up some rules and conditions on his online activities and his phone usage.
"My husband did not finish the job when he slept with this one woman."
That's irrelevant OP, I don't why you mention that or what importance you think that has. It means nothing, he already crossed the line so it's as bad as if he did. This doesn't make it better in any way.
" but he also maintains that during the illicit graphic text affairs he did not releive himself."
Again completely irrelevant detail. He may aswell have.
"He says it was ego, knowing women would do what he wanted when he told them, but I struggle to understand why he would risk everything, his family, his life etc and not get anything out of it?"
But he did get lots out of it OP. He got his ego stroked, he got sexually aroused and satisfied with other women, he got excitement, he basically had an emotional and cyber-sexual, physical affair with two women.
If you want to know why then just google "why do people cheat" you will see a myriad of different explanations as far as your husband's reasons that is something he needs to think long and hard about because without the causes there can be no cure. You know this OP, you can't heal until you know why, he can't fix this until he admits to his reasons because it is very possible they're reasons that can't be fixed.
I recommend you go to couples counselling. If he doesn't understand then maybe a professional can help you both understand and set you down the right path to fixing this. but first off I would enact a policy of 100% openness if he tries to hide even one single text then he's crossing that line again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012):
How was your sex life at home?
Men usually have affairs because they can't get what they need at home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I think your hb did in fact satisfy himself but is lying to you and saying he didn't, to somehow make it seem like what he did was less wrong.
Why do married have affairs? usually it's because they feel something is missing from their marriage or their life. Like a sense of self esteem, or feeling attractive or manly. It could also be that he is just really unhappy with the marriage and if it weren't for the obligations involved (like kids) he would have left long ago. the affairs give him what he feels is missing from his marriage and life - whether it is a sense of appreciation, or sexual attention, or attraction, or power and control, it's different for each guy I suppose.
there are also men who have no business being married to anyone because they just cannot ever be satisfied with one woman. But, these men go on to get married and have kids anyway because society dictates that's what they should do to look normal, or they do it to stop their girlfriends from leaving them. but that doesn't change their underlying disastisfaction with monogamy.
many men also have affairs because they need the emotional connection that is missing from their marriage. usually these are men who are very unhappy with the relationship with their wives. maybe they have already mentally checked out of their marriage and given up but are just still physically in the marriage because of the obligations or fear of what divorce would bring. So when they have affairs, it's actually an emotional relationship with feelings of being in love and strong emotional attachment to the other woman and with fantasies of actually leaving the wife to be with this other woman permanently if only it were 'easy' to leave the wife, and it's not just about sex.
I don't know which is the case with your husband. the fact that he was drunk when he slept with that woman, suggests it was not about an emotional relationship it was about him having a lot of emotional pain that he was trying to squelch by getting drunk and sleeping with another woman to give his ego a boost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, It is all still very raw and I.m trying cope. Your advise
is very much appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I think most men indulge in this type of 'fun' purely because, nowadays, they can. All a bit sad really
It is extremely painful for you, but he wasn't thinking of that, probably didn't think he would get caught out.If he can resist in future then you have a chance of rebuilding your marriage.
He says he wasn't capable of sex cos he was drunk, and the texts meant nothing more than a thrill, well, you have to trust and believe him I guess. I too find it hard to believe, but mens ego's are funny things and maybe the fact that he was exciting them WAS enough for him.Only he knows the truth.He was still 'unfaithful', he let you down,betrayed your trust no matter how he excuses himself.
Good luck, hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Simply put, its something you never have to understand or get over. It wasn't you. It was him. Its his job to discover that himself.
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