A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just want to go ahead and say I'm legal, not to justify my crush, but to help provide prospective and help those of you wiling to help me give me more accurate advice... And I apologize in advance, this is going to be really long.Alright, so I just want to go ahead and say that I'm a pretty smart kid. I know whether my actions are wise or not and I have a pretty good sense of my place on the totem pole; I give respect where respect is due.However, lately, I took a class at school (I'm still in high school) that is rather challenging (I took the class for that reason). I entered into the class expecting opinionated class discussions, which we have had many, but only 4 people, not including the teacher, usually speak up to participate in the discussions. That's me and three other students, however, my teacher and I are actually always in agreement with each other. This is how it all began.Naturally, humans are attracted to each other (in terms of friendship or otherwise) based on similar beliefs and what not, so I can see the psychology behind my attraction - we relate to each other on the grounds of passionate debates; matters of the heart, if you will (politics, to be exact). Also, I'm a girl. I mean, seriously, the first thing that runs through any girls' head when a guy turns around and asks for a piece of paper is "Oh my God, he wants me." Can you imagine the girly-whirly feelings I get when we agree with each other, which is all the time!Now for the chemistry of it...Once again, I'd like to point out I'm a female, and I'll be honest, his eyes are what get me every time. God forbid our eyes lock, because my hormones go nuts. Two days ago, we had a discussion in class that I continued one-on-one with him later while I was walking to another class (maybe a few hours after I was just in his class). We abandoned the topic for a moment when he asked me a question about my silence in class that day. While I attempted to explain, I also attempted to look him in the eyes, which is a habit I have out of respect for my superiors, but I couldn't do it! It makes me really mad because I don't want him to think that I don't respect him. I could see from my peripheral vision that he had been looking at me the whole time, possibly seeking eye contact, which I regrettably couldn't provide. Our conversation continued and we laughed about this and that. I know I was blushing, but I couldn't tell if he was or if his face just gets red when he laughs (even if he only laughed for a second). Then yesterday, I asked him a question about a particular aspect of an assignment, and again from my peripherals, I could see that he was just staring at me, not at the book I was holding, but at me. He didn't look away from me (and I didn't look at him directly) even when he answered my question, and I'm aware that some people just stare - it's normal, I assume. He asked me if I understood, and I turned and made eye contact with him (success!) and said "Yeah, I think so." Nothing special, but within that 6 second (literally) timeframe of eye contact and reply, he had clenched his lips, fiddled with the pencil in his hand, quickly broke eye contact, and turned around (didn't walk away), and said "Alrighty..." However, as I was about to leave the class, he stopped me and gave me a more concise answer to my previous question. Can anyone look upon me with pity, understanding this seemingly perpetual sexual tension coursing through my body? Honestly, I call myself a fool all the time.Alright, so now that I've kinda given you two recent examples of my experiences, I need an answer to my question, but first, I need a question! I don't even really know what I'm asking! I just know I have to get this off my chest and I need some decent advice. I guess I don't want a relationship with him. I've successfully been able to manage to avoid relationships for the last four years. I think I really just want his attention, however, if he made any kind of advance, sexual or otherwise, I think I'd go along with it, but I definitely would not, at my current state or maybe never, make any advancements of my own, which is probably a healthy decision. I don't know if I should just drop it and try my best to ignore him or to silently keep my crush (which is what I'd like to do). I like the feeling of having a crush. I've never really experienced it. Also, in his defense, I am consistently, and I mean on a daily basis, approached by men in their 40s and 50s who are attracted to me. I'm not ugly at all, and I know it, but I also don't flaunt it, and I'm not purposely promiscuous in any way. I think I'm attracted to older (way older) guys, and no, I don't have daddy problems - I have a healthy and wholesome family.Now to provide you with some information about him (sorry it took so long to get to this point)...I don't know his exact age, but he's probably somewhere in his 40s or 50s. I know he's been through more than one marriage (more than one, less than six) and has a few kids (he's currently married). He's not extremely attractive, but he's not ugly. I want to go ahead and say that if what I think is going on is true, that I don't want to ruin his family! If we became sexual in any way, I wouldn't tell a soul. I wouldn't even remind myself! I respect him, and I can honestly say that I care about him enough to not let it go so far that it would ruin his family, but at the same time, I don't think I could help myself if he came onto me. Again, I'm not seeking a serious relationship, just answers. If he told me that he was attracted to me, but he didn't want to take it any further than making me aware of it, I'd be satisfied, and I can respect that. At the same time, if we took this to a whole new level, I think I would end it before his family got involved. I also don't want him to lose his job because he's an amazing teacher and I don't want other students to miss out on having a class with him - good teachers are rare.Please help me organize my thoughts and feelings. Do you think I may just admire him? If so, why am I so sexually attracted to him? Should I just let this whole thing go, should I seek simple confirmation, or even a brief sexual relationship? Please be reasonable and decent. I don't want to get my feelings hurt, and I'm fully aware that seeking a sexual relationship is the most risky and unwise choice, but I want satisfaction, and I could settle for less than sex if I had no other choice (meaning if he said that I misinterpreted his kindness for flirtation or that he didn't want to take it any further than confirmation). I just want to say one last thing, these examples are not the first seemly flirtatious interactions we've had, and are pretty mild compared to my other experiences, but for both our sakes, I'd rather not bring up the more intense experiences.
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crush, flirt, his ex, my ex, my teacher Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Candy-lover  +, writes (8 March 2012):
English is not my language but I will do my best:
Well, I can say that much, that I have bin out for the same experience twice! And it is really not easy to let go AT ALL! Both of them on different schools, but they don't work as a teacher anymore. So I know how you feel.
I agree to what the others in here are saying is the best, but my mom felt in love in a teacher when she was 16, and he felt in love with her too. He was also around 40-50 years old. They got married 5 years later, and when my mom was between 30-40 years old she gave birth to me and my brother. So it is not impossible, but it is rare that those kind of story's has a happy ending.
My father (my moms teacher, now husband) was married twice before he met my mother, and had already 4 kids(they were teenagers and adults at that time). He only said yes to have more kids with my mom because she wished kids so badly. Today they have bin married in 25 years, and they still love each other.
But I only think you should take the big fight up, if you don't care what your friends says, think that your parents will say okay to the big decision and that you are pretty sure that you will spend most of your lifetime with him. Otherwise you probably will regret it. So be careful, don't do it just because sexual relationship, but because you love him.
I hope it was helpful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I decided overnight that I didn't want to pursue this foolishness anymore. Thank you for your answers; I'm avoiding him and the subject as much as possible.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Students often have crushes on teachers, it's because of the power imbalance, they know lots of stuff and we make them into hero's.
I once had a brilliant teacher with the most amazing eyes, total genius, he was the only person who actually ever understood what I was talking about, and I understood him whereas everyone else just thought he was strange. Sigh.. lovely guy 6ft tall, and woman friendly and gentle. I choose him to be my dissertation mentor, because I knew he'd be the only one to understand my strange ideas. "Space" aint really a subject that I could ask anyone else for help with, but he understood and even provided me with the books. Wonderful guy my teacher.
Torture, in dissertation you meet the teacher alone for quality time and discussion, nobody else is there, and you can contact him by phone or email anytime. I made sure to put on extra deodorant to deal with the hot flushes I was getting.
But I am not a kid. I know the guy is a man doing a job. Yes he's a great teacher, but he had to have a girlfriend or someone else he's sleeping with. He has a life outside school, and the only reason he spends time with me, is because that's what he is paid to do. Don't make the mistake of thinking because you fancy teacher he thinks about you at all. The teacher is doing a job, and if you want to please him, pass your exams and get out of his life.
"If we became sexual in any way, I wouldn't tell a soul. " - Your living in fantasy land.. there is no sex going on, there can't be or he will get the sack. Your imaging all kinds of things that only exist in your mind.
So what he turns you on, that happens in life. You need to deal with it or accept it and just get on with the things that are important. It's just attraction, and you'll find many unavailable men to crush on before you are dead.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Crushes are not rational or sane.
He’s your teacher
He’s currently married
Here’s what you do… YOU DO NOTHING.
When a person has a crush they tend to blow EVERY little thing out of proportion. A glance that means NOTHING to a non-crushing person means “he loves me” to a crushing person….
LET IT GO.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (2 March 2012):
 If you are as smart as you think you are, then you SHOULD know that no matter if you are 'legal' or not, any kind of sexual/romantic relationship between a teacher and a pupil is ILLEGAL.
That is the bottom line. If he is found to have had sexual relations with a pupil, at best he could be sacked, at worst banned from teaching for life, or if you are underage then placed on the sex offenders register.
His behaviour is innapropriate for his position as your teacher. You are probably not the first or the last that this will happen to. No sane 40/50 year man has anything in common with an 18 year old teenage girl. No matter how mature and grown up you think you are, you are not. You are in a very different place in life. It would never work.
You are just suffering from a crush. You will get over it.
Move on, concentrate on your studies and try and concentrate on boys your own age.
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