A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My story: Married 25 years with 3 children. Like any marriage we had our ups and downs, but I would say it’s been a very solid above average marriage. Recently, in a random conversation I recalled an event over 25 years ago, we were in our early 20’s, while were dating for about a year and a half and in an exclusive relationship. I pulled up to her house and a car parked in front immediately drove off. Minutes later she walked up to the house. I called her out and she said she was in the car and became nervous so they drove away, BUT nothing happened. Well last week she said she only kissed him and it meant nothing. She said it was so long ago she doesn’t recall anything else. This conversation jilted another memory that occurred 7-9 months in our relationship. She took a trip with 5 of her girlfriends and they ended up meeting some guys. My girlfriend at the time/future wife said they just partied as friends and nothing happened. Long story short they decided to take another trip back a few months later, but this time they stayed at the house of one of the guys. A few days into the trip she called me crying stating that because she was staying at the house there was an expectation for sex. Again, saying nothing happened. I was young and not having a lot of life experiences at the time, I ultimately believed her for both situations. Well last week I brought this event up as well and I asked what happened and what does ‘the expectation for sex mean’? She played the ‘I don’t recall, but nothing happened’ card. I did find a few photos posted on facebook and the guy in question appears to have a very dynamic personality with model looks. Here is another twist…A few weeks after her return I was diagnosed with a sports injury with one testicles being swollen. This was before internet and I thought nothing of it. Well, this week I look up the diagnosis and it is an STD. It’s commonly acquired by sexually active young men 80% of the time, but can be a sports injury 20% of the time.I know I love her and want to stay together the rest of my life. I’m 100% certain she has been a loyal and loving wife and she loves me very much. But I’m struggling to forgive and forget. It’s been almost 30 years ago but the pain is devastating. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): Why are there wolves in the house? The OP didn't bring them in. Why are they his problem to deal with at all? Is the OP supposed to just accept that his wife was swept up by her emotions and made "mistakes" but he is expected to control his emotions now? Just switch them off, since they get in the way? How is she a "good wife" when she lied him into the marriage and then lied for 30 years to keep him?The husband is a victim of cheating and 30 years of lies. Stop blaming the victim.
A
male
reader, Josh44 +, writes (19 November 2016):
let it go it was a long time ago and as you said much younger and she did call you upset,you are asking if you can trust your wife of 25 years,i think she has earned your trust just love her for who she is
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2016): No! it means he 'had' and 'has' choices, and if he want's to view himself as a victim then this is also his choice.Nothing was proven of her infecting him with a disease, it was a percentage possibility.One of the worlds biggest diseases is a negative mind it creates hate and makes recipes for war.Either choose to pack up the 30 years and move forward or accept youth may have played apart in dumb choices back then.Or choose to be a Victim as stated by a poster and dwell on all the hurts in your life, where will this take you? I know! to a dark place in your mind or choose to be free and happy enough to forgive her and love yourself enough to understand.Two Wolves, which one will you feed?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2016): Yes, let's blame the victim. The OP was cheated and infected with a disease but this is HIS fault now for bringing it up now. She successfully lied about it for 30 years so that means the wrong is righted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016): It is only the 'now' that is important, not the past not the future. CHOOSE to be happy and free.
Two Wolves: which one will you feed?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016):
A wedding is not a finish line that cancels the debts on anything else you did wrong to get yourself there. If it was then people would act a lot different while they are single.
Its not just that the OP's wife was lying since before the marriage. She was lying in order to *GET* the marriage in the first place.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 November 2016):
As a wife...Has she cheated on you? Has she been a great wife? As you said "I would say it’s been a very solid above average marriage."
So you have no real problems...but you are trying to plant a problem tree...which is watered and fertilised by jealousy, resentment, and anger. That tree will grow...and when it does, it will bear fruit. That fruit is called hate..and when you eat it, 25 years of marriage will be done.
If your now wife is being good to you, treats you with respect, and most of all loves you...why oh why, are you trying to plant a trouble tree in a field of love??
Unless you have solid proof with your own eyes...pull up that tree by the root, and burn it...before you hang your marriage from the branches.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): You have been getting Trickle Truth. It's common when women cheat.
Why should you forgive and forget anything? I reject the whole idea that cheating must be forgiven in order to continue with the relationship. I have been there. I moved on but I did not forgive anything.
You could call that an unhealthy attitude. But my self respect got pretty "unhealthy" every time I tried to make myself forgive her. IMO the "forgive and forget" advice is common because after decades together people have marriages they need to maintain for the children. If you don't naturally feel that way then IMO you should not do it. Mandatory and total forgiveness works fine to save the relationship but it does nothing to heal the cheated person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): As a guy who is also a realist,there are two ways to look at this.
1) it's been thirty years and it would be a shame to put your marriage at risk over something that happened so long ago.
2) she might have hidden something sinister from you for such a long time. What else could she have not spoken to you about?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 November 2016):
 What made you think about it after all this time? Surely after 30 years stuff like this doesn't just pop up, did something trigger the memories? You mentioned you looked up a diagnosis and it is an STD but did you actually get tested by a doctor is it actually and STD or are you just thinking that it is? Don't let your mind get carried away as the internet is a dangerous place. You need to deal with these issues. If you think she is lying to you then you need to ask yourself can you live with that? If you want to stay with her then you need to sort out these issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Poster, I understand that even though these events were a long time ago, they probably still make you feel sick right now. I've been there and I know that feeling. In my opinion you need to find out what exactly it is that hurts you - is it the fact she lied? Is is the fact you don't know what exactly happened? Is it the fact that she cheated (if she did)? Narrowing down exactly what it is that is causing the pain you say is devastating will give you a better idea of what you can do to get over the pain. On the face of it, though, in brief, my advice would be that 30 years is an awfully long time and to cause an issue about it now could jeopardise your whole marriage. You will most likely not care about the events 30 years ago in a couple of weeks when the shock has settled and you feel better, but the damage to your marriage could already be done by then. Have a think about what specific element of it is causing the pain, have a conversation with your wife about it, and then put it to bed. It would be a terrible shame to put your marriage in danger over something she did so so long ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Whilst I think her default answer of "I can't remember" etc is poor and probably an excuse I'm not sure what your aim is by asking. It seems despite your rock solid marriage there is a distrust of your wife. You need the truth. To know whether she is a cheat or capable of cheating. She may (now) be ashamed of her actions. Has she made you suspicious recently is this triggering such thoughts all over again?
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