A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been feeling really down and low since I gave birth to my little boy (10 months ago). I eventually went to the doctors when my little boy was 5 months old, it helped talking to my doctor though nothing got followed up and I still feel the same now. It’s hard to explain how I feel.I really want to focus on bettering myself, mentally and physically. I find it really difficult for many reasons. One being that my partner isn’t very encouraging or positive. I’m trying to surround myself with positivity to help me become more positive, I’m trying to change habits as they’re serving me no good (eating badly, binge watching tv, browsing social media when baby sleeps rather than clean, or doing something productive). I’m really trying to change as a person, find myself and be myself not just ‘mum’. I didn’t think becoming a mother would have such an impact on my life but I genuinely feel like I’ve lost myself and who I am. I haven’t done anything for myself in almost 18 months, I can’t remember the last time I had time to myself without worrying about feeds, changes, appointments, work etc. I’m just struggling but my partner and his family are not helpful or supportive at all. They’re not uplifting or positive and when I try to speak to my partner he just makes a joke about the situation or tells me ‘you will be fine, it’s just a phase’ but it’s been a ‘phase’ for 10 months now and I just want to feel happy again.A bit of advice or support would be much appreciated. Thank you so much in advance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): Thank you all for your responses.
I’ve tried to talk to him on several occasions and it always leads to an argument, of which I don’t want to have in front of my son. It I try to bring it up when he’s asleep, he doesn’t have a conversation as such with me it’s just short answers or he just says ‘if I don’t like it I know where the door is’.
I’m feeling very low and alone at the minute and also very worried as if I was to leave, I would have no where to go. My mother had passed away, I am not in contact with my father, my sister is disabled so has her own caters and my auntie lives in a 1 bed flat. It constantly worries me and keeps me up most nights. I just want the absolute best for my son but I know I would 100% struggle to find somewhere, I also wouldn’t be able to pay for his nursery fees on top of that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): I don't understand how some people have made so many assumptions about your relationship and what it is like. I've just had my second child 2 months ago and your right it is hard especially having a bit of you time and with the current circumstances. Personally I think you should have a honest and Frank discussion with your partner outline also the type of help you want from him and explain how this really isn't a phase to you and he needs to try to understand how you feel. Also in the evenings when baby is asleep make a little time for yourself even if it is just to have a relaxing cuppa in front of your favourite show this is really beneficial to you feeling more like yourself and make it part of your little routine at some point. I also think you should ring your gp again and talk to them or look online for a mental health service in your area with my first I was very much like yourself but talking really does help and it took me along time to admit there was any sort of issue.. If you can't do this check online for mum groups online in your area that may show support online and give you someone to talk to the reason I say your area so that ones circumstances change you may have people you can meet up with. You say you have got into these no good habits don't worry about changing them all at once focus on maybe one thing a day your gonna do differently. Also don't stress yourself out or be hard on yourself about this idea of what mum should be like just remember your doing a brilliant job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2020): Your state of mind and physical-health are of the utmost importance. May I recommend that you find yourself another doctor? I know you have socialized-healthcare in the UK; but many times those physicians are under-par, or have more patients than they can handle. It's a possibility you are experiencing some postpartum depression, but your physician didn't recommend any followup-treatment or evaluation? Have you even told the doctor what you're telling us? Your boyfriend is not the only problem here!!!
As a new mother, I know the appointments for the baby alternating with follow-up doctor's appointments for yourself are a bit much; but your post is somewhat disconcerting. Your needs go far beyond what can be offered here; and I urge you to see your doctor, if you have been missing your follow-up examinations. Depression is debilitating; and for some, it can cripple all daily-functions. You can't afford that when you have an infant!
How too often do we get the tale of the emotionally-unavailable partner; or the "indifferent-father," from new mothers here at DC.
A child suddenly becomes entirely her responsibility; and his only participation is being present at conception, as the official sperm-donor. Often this distancing occurred long before the baby was due; especially in the cases of very young unmarried-parents. Women feeling insecure in their relationships or marriages sometimes bring children into the situation to establish some semblance of a family-life; or hoping a baby will stabilize a rocky-relationship. Welcomed or not, a child becomes a complication when a relationship is in-trouble. Whether planned or unplanned; you never know what is really going-on in your partner's mind during the pregnancy; but once there is a baby, things become abundantly clear!
This is a very new experience for you; and if you're estranged from your own family; then don't expect "his" family to be a substitute for your own. There are cases of families warmly ingratiating a girlfriend into the fold. You don't receive posts like these when that happens.
It is sad; when there is no mention of parents, siblings, or any extended-family by the OP in these instances. If you've burned all your own bridges, or sought escape from your own family to depend on a boyfriend for everything; these guys will often prove to be the personification of disappointment. He dumps all child-rearing responsibility on you. Now that HE is no longer the center of your universe; and has been replaced by his child. Being so young, all of this is overwhelming; but the lethargy and despondency you're feeling could be attributed to postpartum depression. Untreated, it simply gets worse or is prolonged. New fathers may also suffer this condition. Your doctor should do a depression-screening; to be certain it isn't more than the typical fatigue of new motherhood. Lack of sleep, poor nutrition, and the daily pressures of life are enough; without the additional weight of mental-health issues, exacerbated by unresolved relationship-problems. Two inexperienced young-people who know little of life, suddenly thrust into parenthood! Unprepared and overwhelmed! The father in this picture showing signs of immaturity; and not bonding with his baby.
Refusing any participation in the child's care whatsoever. Making the mother feel she is all alone. Hopefully, he wasn't the one who was instrumental in separating you from your own family!
There are new-parent support-groups and parenting classes. Some child-rearing classes are broadcast live online. It always helps when you can seek support from older-women, or befriend other mothers your age. Women help each other emotionally; and tend to be more empathetic to each-other. If you've isolated yourself, that only adds more to your feeling of gloom; and your emotional-dependency on an "apathetic" partner is more than any human can bear. If his mother and other women in his family haven't stepped-in to help you; I'm going to take a wild guess, and believe you were not welcomed into his family to begin with. Maybe they see the baby as your way of entrapment of their beloved man-child. He's almost mocking you when you seek his help with childcare. He apparently doesn't bother with housework either. I guess he considers all that women's-work?
Don't suffer yourself about what you haven't accomplished; first attend to your emotional well-being. Nothing can be done; when you're in a state of despair, feeling neglected, or rejected by your mate. Your body has been through a lot!
You may have to swallow some of your pride. Attempt to connect, or reconnect, with the closest and most trusted-females you know. You need someone who cares about you; preferably, living close-by and readily accessible. If you've uprooted your life to be with this man; maybe it is time to consider returning to your roots and place of origin. Assuming this relationship was not your escape from your own estranged or dysfunctional-family. There are always a ton of missing details, or deliberately omitted information; to avoid uncles and aunts from discussing family-relationships. You didn't suddenly crawl out of an onion-patch. Whom and where are your relatives? Why would they be so unimportant to you, that you would not even mention them, but expect his family to help you? He didn't suddenly become a distant and uncaring boyfriend; unless this baby was sprung on him as an unexpected surprise. Oh, so many missing details!
You don't need to be listening to the depressing news, or viewing tragic videos in your state of mind. Female-support is as therapeutic as any doctor you can find. Women have a natural-knack for reading each other's feelings and emotions; and know how to uplift and comfort each-other. Female-support is especially helpful for a young new mother. If you have distanced your own family for him, or due to family-dysfunction; I urge you to reach-out to at-least one older female-relative, to give you a feeling of connection and belonging. Part of your feeling dejected, having a lack of focus, and loss of energy comes from feeling abandoned; not only by your boyfriend, but everyone. If you've cut-ties with family, there are bound to be emotional-repercussions. Especially, if the rift is related to your relationship with this man. If you've left everything and everyone behind to be with him!
I speculate you've made this guy the center of your universe, and have lost touch with everyone in your own family. Most of the time, the horror-stories young women tell about why they cutoff their families are somewhat exaggerated, and usually one-sided. Rarely will they ever admit that it was all over some guy. Not mentioning anything of your own family is odd. Why do you expect his family to care for you over your own? Why aren't they part of your system of support, if he and his family are rejecting you? It is always wise to have different sources of emotional and moral-support. Family and friends are who you turn to, when boyfriends and girlfriends have abandoned, neglected, and rejected you. Of course, we are here! Unfortunately, we can't offer you hugs and a shoulder to cry on. We do care, but see the doctor! Use the internet to find more substantial and useful support. Not just comforting words. We can offer plenty of comfort and advice. You still need a source closer to you, someone to guide you with love and affection for you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 May 2020):
 This must be an awful situation to be in surrounded by negativity but it can change!
You need to stand up for yourself more I think. You say you don’t have time to yourself because of worrying about your child, so tell your partner it’s time for him to start pulling his weight. Tell him on Tuesdays and Thursdays you want 6-8pm to yourself to have a relaxing bath or a lie down or to go for a walk on your own for a bit of time to yourself. Not that specifically but you catch my drift, something you would like to do. He will need to step up as a father and if he declines then that says a lot about him and you need to be questioning if he’s right for you going forward.
I’d be very clear and straight in telling him how you feel. Tell him you feel like you get no support from him and that this isn’t a ‘phase’ it sounds like you could be slipping into a depression as it’s been a good while now. Just lay your cards on the table, tell him your feelings and what you want to change, what help you want, what support you need and give him he opportunity to provide it, if he doesn’t or he won’t, then I think the relationship has run it’s course.
Exercising is a great mood booster and not only that gets you fit as well couple that with healthy eating and it will boost your mood and energy levels no end. That’s another thing to mention, no more junk food! It does no favours for your mental and physical state when you’re eating crap all the time.
Finally, DELETE SOCIAL MEDIA! It is absolute garbage. I deleted all of mine just over a week ago and I’ve honestly not even thought about it. It’s nothing but tripe, pointless posts about absolute rubbish and people trying to look cool or show off what they’ve bought or what they’re doing. It’s like a popularity contest on there but they’re all losers. That’s another thing that can affect you mentally where you’re seeing people posing about how good their relationship is (which is more than likely a lie, why would you need to post that?) and it makes you think of the crappy situation you’re in.
You have the power to change all of this and I have faith that you will do. Start by standing up for yourself and saying what you want out of life and if people aren’t willing to help you get there then you need to surround yourself with people who are.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 May 2020):
 You might WANT to surround you as much as possible with positive people but you CAN NOT demand that they BE positive because they are around you, like his family.
You can't CHANGE other people. You CAN however find ways that help YOU make it easier to interact with them, for instance spend time with them in smaller amounts, like shorter visits, not visit so often etc.
Becoming a mother IS a HUGE transformation. It really is. For those who haven't been through it, it doesn't seem that big. And for those who have OTHERS to do most of the work (like grandparents especially) it can seem easy. And then you have those who get a bit of the baby-blues after (which I kinda get the sense that you do have) it's a real struggle.
The thing is YOU are still you. You are "just" ALSO a mother. Your priorities change. I think it's inevitable. But you haven't LOST you. You have just HAD to prioritize your DUTIES as a mother above yourself and simple self-care. Which again, IS kind of normal.
Your partner is rather dismissive. "Just a phase" might be a teen who is into "Goth" or whatnot in high-school and outgrow the need for the "doom and gloom". Another is TRYING to find your NEW equilibrium after having had a child. YOU life is no longer JUST about you.
And you will have a LIFETIME of worrying over the various things pertaining to "the wee bean". THAT is just a fact of life too. Welcome to adulthood and motherhood.!
My advice is LET your partner take over SOME of the baby "chores". So you can have a FEW hours to JUST do you. It can be go for a walk BY yourself, go get your hair done, nails something self-care (of course after the lock down is over) or just take a bath, do a face mask and chill with a book for an hour or two - call your best friend and chat. Right now you might be limited due to the lock-down but that hopefully won't last much longer.
You partner might not KNOW what to do. Honestly, so BE a little patient with him but BE firm that HE also take some responsibility for the baby chores.
His family didn't make this baby, you and your partner did. So it IS up to the two of you to work out who does what. It's not ALL the mother's job. If you feed, he can change the diapers. If you get up at night to feed and change, HE can do the bath, he can take the baby for a walk in the stroller and give you some time to yourself.
If HE runs to the store for baby stuff, he CAN bring the kiddo too! So you can get some time to pick up the house and yourself. Nothing like taking a shower knowing that you don't have to stop the water every 5 minutes to see if the "wee bean" is awake or not.
If you need to pick up the house and clean some, HE can play with the baby. It's NOT hard. But it HARD enough that it takes 2! And you two NEED to work together.
WHAT are some things YOU enjoy?
What hobbies do you have?
What are you doing with your life? Education wise or career wise?
SET some personal goals. Be it go to the GYM 2x a week (again, when the lock down is over, for now you can do some yoga, calisthenics or workouts at home) Or maybe you want to go back to work or GET a job. So if it's getting a job is what you would like to do, now is the time to work on your resume/CV - maybe look into what classes or courses you can do to improve your chances.
When I had my 2nd child I shared a room with a woman who was giving birth to baby #9. NUMBER 9!! She was SO put together after she had the baby, I had just never seen anything like it! She was calm and serene and VERY much into self-care. I was pretty impressed at first. But then I saw that her OLDEST daughter was taking care of the other 7 kids while she was in the hospital. BY herself. The kids all had chores, so mom could just focus on the new one and herself. The dad ( I think?) helped too, but I'n not sure (he seemed a little... useless to be honest). You'd think after 9 kids he'd know how to manage things and not expect his teenage daughter to run the house. But I digress. We are NOT all becoming SUPERWOMAN after we give birth. I had a rough 2 years with my oldest who had colic and didn't sleep much. So I didn't sleep much either.
I would suggest you ALSO go back and see your OB/GYN. And make sure you are on some form of birth-control.
It will get easier, OP
Take care of yourself.
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