A
female
age
30-35,
*va-valentine
writes:I am straight and a girl and my bff has recently come out as bisexual a few months ago. We all knew it by then, though. I don't have a problem with that at all, BUT...My problem is that she is hitting on me in public and when we are alone together! It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know if she knows that I am straight, because most of my other bffs are bi too.Things she does are: She holds my hand, gets very close to me, purposely creates awkward silences, and can get touchy. She knows I am in love with someone else who is not female, but she doesn't know who. It really makes me feel weird that she is hitting on me.I don't know how to get her to stop without sounding mean! How do I get her to stop? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): You handle it just as you would a guy who is making unwanted passes.
You firmly ask her to stop. Remind her that you are a friend, and not interested in her sexually. Gay, bi, or
an alien from out of space; you don't want her hitting on you. Pull away or push her away if she ignores you.
Be frank and straightforward. She is counting on you to be too uncomfortable to set her straight. Pardon the pun!
Just like the drunk guy coming on to you in a bar, who hides behind being drunk to behave inappropriately. Gay people should not hide behind friendship to get to straight people who are not interested in them sexually.
Don't beat around the bush. She has to respect your boundaries. She is taking advantage of your friendship. Publicly invading your space is totally unacceptable.
You're not a homophobe for warding off unwanted lesbian passes! Bisexual may be the appropriate term for her sexual identity; but her behavior is lesbian!!!
I am a gay man. I set boundaries with other gay men, bisexual dudes; and even straight-men. Often people get very comfortable with your acceptance. If they have an attraction, they may push the envelope.
She is implying that you're not straight, but still in the closet. You have every right to ask that she stop; but you have to put it firmly. Straight men sometimes go over-board trying to prove how cool they are; or want you to make a "gay pass" to boost their macho image and male-egos. So they tease or make subtle passes for your "gay-reaction." I nip it at the bud. "Don't tease what you can't please!" I'm not your gay guinea pig to test your gay curiosities. If I can't touch you there or that way, don't presume you can with me!!!
If she decides she'd give-up the friendship because of it; the truth is, she was only a "gay" opportunist hiding under the guise of friendship. Looking for a way to get next to you; and "out" you without being honest enough to ask if you're interested, or bisexual. Even worse, attempting to push you to be what she wants you to be. This is serious, and should be handled now; or it will get progressively worse. She is brazen and disrespectful. Nobody has the right to force anyone out of the closet. I've slammed that door hard in the face of quite a few presumptuous and contemptuous gay people who think they do.
Just being friends with, or having a best friend who is gay or bisexual; does not make you gay or bisexual. Just an open-minded and true friend. Insist that she respect that. Adamantly! Stop wimping around!
A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (31 January 2016):
If it's making you uncomfortable then you ought to tell her. Maybe she has feelings for you and has mistaken your platonic love for her as romantic love. She has probably assumed that you are bi as well.
Be gentle, kind, yet firm. Be sure to tell her that this does not affect your friendship in any way and you will always be there for her no matter what.
All the best.
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