A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I'm having a hard time and could really use some guidance. A little background. I'm a gay female and have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. I'm struggling with some resentment that I seem to be harboring and it's really beginning to weigh me down emotionally. I am the first girl she was ever with, and when we first got together, she maintained a relationship for the first six months with this guy that always made me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not at all the jealous type, but this guy really bothered me. He was a friends with benefits she maintained all the way up until we met and started dating. I tried to be supportive of her right to have friends, so I tried to put up with it and give her the benefit of the doubt that she would do the right thing. But any time we fought, big or small, she immediately called him over and he ran to be by her side. He also professed his love for her and how they were meant to be. I told her how much this hurt and how it was really affecting me, but she insisted that he would always be in her life no matter what because he was her friend, and she didn't care what I said. Finally, one day, we had a big fight and we broke up. Literally the next night, she called him over and she slept with him. We proceeded to talk after a few days had passed and discussed getting back together, and she admitted that this had happened. I was crushed. Literally felt like someone had punched me in the gut and I went completely numb. She cried and said she only did it because she was really hurt, drunk, and on the rebound, and because she was just in denial of her sexuality but finally realized it was me she wanted to be with and not a guy. And how sorry she was for hurting me and for inappropriately maintaining this unfair relationship while with me. She promised that if I took her back, she would remove him from her life completely, once and for all. I decided to forgive her, and as far as I know, they have cut all contact for good. but even now, almost a year later, it still really effects me. I don't mention it to her as I feel this is my own issue that I chose to forgive. She knows never to mention his name to me because it's such a sore subject. But she doesn't realize how much hurt and resentment I still truly harbor over it. It feels as though this wound won't go away. I can't understand why she didn't respect me to begin with, and why she had to completely mess our relationship up in order to finally recognize it's value. it still crushes me to think about it and it still makes me so insecure when I wonder if they ever still have contact - she swears they don't. I truly do feel as though she loves me very much. I genuinely know this in my heart. And I also believe she's fully come to terms with her sexuality at this point - has for quite a while now. But that hasn't taken away the pain of what she put me through. And I also have such hurt deep down, that I am unsure if I can cope with it. Despite knowing she loves me, that situation still makes me incredibly insecure.Sorry so long. I just needed to write it all out. Any kind words of wisdom and advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 February 2014):
 The big thing here is that the whole "right to have friends" thing gets used the wrong way. Usually, someone having the right to have friends involves platonic relationships, not past lovers. You had the right to insist that your relationship with her be free of the baggage of him. Their relationship was never platonic. The absence of sex doesn't mean platonic. Platonic means a relationship where there were never sexual feelings, like brother, sister, old family friend, co-worker, etc.
Your girlfriend didn't cheat on you, but she hedged her bets with you with him. She kept him around because he made her feel good, and that is a trust issue when it's an unspoken threat that if something goes wrong, that she could run to him.
Sexuality is irrelevant to this story, because it plays out so much in heterosexual and homosexual relationships. It's the "keeping the ex on standby" issue which plagues and undermines too many relationships. Her making it a "now I know I'm gay" thing is a cop-out. It has to do with loyalty, and it started well before she slept with him. Her keeping him in her life and defending that position to you regardless of your feelings for the matter is the most telling.
That trait in her is still there, even if the guy isn't. That's the source of your unease. It's never been addressed. Getting the particular guy out doesn't mean she won't run to some other person when times get rough between you. In this, you only have one solution.
You're supposed to like who you are with someone. If being with that person makes you not like what you feel or who you become, then it's not a good relationship. She hasn't changed simply by removing the guy. That's what you can't get past.
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