A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 30 year old women living in a big city. I've had a few relationships but they tend to burn out after 6 months. It goes well, but then once things start to look like they might involve spending more than a weekend and a week night with me, I get dumped. This is hurtful and confusing to me and I feel like I have let myself be strung me along, whether meaning to or not. Sometimes they have frankly lied to me in order to get me to date them. I have a great social life and lots of friends. I'm happy being single, but if I am going to be in a relationship I'd like to feel the other person is looking at being with me longer than a few months. A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids. It's pretty embarrassing that I don't seem to be able to hold down a relationship. I'm trying to work out whether there is something I am doing wrong. Admittedly I have been dating guys around my age and am thinking perhaps I should be dating older (33-40). In my city this is not unrealistic as I have noticed a lot of my guy friends settle down between 33-36. Often starting a new relationship to do so. My thinking here is that an older guy might be more settled and mature. I'm attractive and get guys approach me, not just for sex but also to date me. I am being wary of taking up offers now with guys who are likely to bail at the 6 month mark. So, some things it could be about me:- I have had a couple of comments from ex boyfriends about how they like me because I laid back. Perhaps I'm not enough of a challenge for them to be interested in anything longer term. - I've got elderly parents and my dad has dementia and is at the end of his life. Quite possibly this is too much baggage for a guy when there are other girls who won't be in this situation? I don't have to get too involved as my parents fortunately have money to pay for carers etc. Sometimes though I have been upset by the situation and spoken to the boyfriend about my feelings about it (quite possibly a mistake?) -I've also had the comment from the 30 year old guys that I don't go out drinking enough or am not 'fun' enough. I'm not a big drinker and don't want to be - I can't take more than a couple of drinks without feeling bad the next day. Perhaps these type of guys are still in partying mode (i.e. they stay out to 6am, not just drinks with friends, that i am fine with) I see that as ? I'm thinking /i could easily avoid this by finding a guy who isn't that sort. There must be plenty out there. - I'm financial very stable. I am extremely fortunate to own my own flat. I understand that most guys around and that I have dated, do not. I never really know how to mention this - early on? Well down the line? I'm not sure if this makes a difference to guys. Perhaps though they prefer a girl they can provide for. I did have a long term boyfriend who I lived with in my mid 20s - my parents gave me money for a nest egg to help us 'set up home' and go on holiday and boyfriend promptly dumped me for someone else on a more even footing with him. I know they genuinely did this with good intentions to help both of us but perhaps this undermines the guy drive to provide? just looking for any advice or comments. I'd like to learn from the past if possible or just where I might be going wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks this is really helpful.. i think you are right, I definitely have been going for a certain 'type'. For instance, last boyfriend is a heavy drinker and has always had weekend only relationships. I just didn't realise before I got involved because he covered it. By the time I found out I was already falling for him.
As for perhaps not doing enough to progress things - I may need some help with this. I have been sure to spend more time together over time. This has often led to me doing of the the travelling to them (pretty sure this is a mistake?) I have made sure that around the 6 month mark we are at least talking about possibly future together and I have a clear idea what their expectations are on moving in. I figured this was a good time frame between looking desperate to live together, but also not wasting time.
Guy number 1: Was fine with moving in, we were even in the process of buying a house, but then I found out he cheated on me with a girl he met in a club so cut my losses.
Guy number 2: It was him that bought up the future and living together at 5 months in, but he decided he wanted someone more of a drinker and into the music he liked.
Guy number 3: I bought up spending more time together 6 months in as things had got into the weekend only pattern and didn't seem to be changing. He went silent for a couple of weeks, then he decided to call it off because he felt I had nagged him by mentioning it. Just think he wasn't really interested and /or remotely ready for anything longer term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): *no reason to
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): First off you have no reason to feel embarrassed, feeling left out is normal but embarrassed, definitely not. Our lives don't always follow a set pattern or timetable.
Your parents situation is very unlikely to have been baggage for guys, your ideal partner will be fine with that and it's not something you can change anyway.
The not partying enough and drinking thing is also irrelevant, my wife is much more of a party animal than me these days. Then again if you're only really going for that type of guy then that may be a bit of an issue but I find it hard to see it as being one. Plenty of guys don't need that and plenty of the ones that do have their own friends to go drinking with.
That 'provide for' thing is also irrelevant, it's not the 1920's and there are just too many different types of guy around a city for you to worry about that. In fact being an independent woman is very attractive, OP. Do you really want the type of guy who is so insecure that he feels threatened by that? Of course not.
I think you're too focussed on what guys want and not focused enough on what you want and how to get it.
You're too focussed on what you're doing wrong. I don't think you're doing anything to actually turn guys off I just don't think you're actually getting what you want if you know what I mean.
You're spending 6 months being casual with guys. That's perfectly fine but it's not getting you what you want. Being laid back is awesome, but not if it prevents progression in a relationship. If you want more you do have to ensure there's progress and you can't always rely on the man to steer a relationship that way. OP most of us can spend 6 months boning a woman once or twice a week for months and not have too much of an urge to progress things because there's no real need. You will find a guy who falls in love with you that way too, but as you've experienced you can also waste a lot of time with guys who never really wanted it to develop which is what has led you to think you're somehow doing something wrong. You're not, you're just being inefficient.
The most dangerous thing anyone can do is to try and change themselves, change the way they date to suit getting a partner. Becoming more efficient is fine, being more ruthless and steering things in the direction you want a little sooner and pacing things better will definitely help. But those things you listed in your question are fundamental parts of your being and they're not wrong, they're part of your package. You want a guy who wants what you have to offer, if you try and hide or change those, then you only end up with a guy who is not suited to you.
Two things I always say to people in your situation. First off examine the type of person you're into especially the bad traits that attract you to them. Maybe you're mistaking them being apathetic for them being laid back. The difference being that they're actually fine with being you in the short term but have no intention of getting serious, you need to develop ways of figuring out the difference sooner.
The second being are you doing enough, demanding enough for these to progress? Laid back is fine, but it leads to stagnation if you don't drive things or move things forward.
Without knowing you I really can't say why things are not working out for you. But dating patterns always come about due to a person's "type" and their ability to get what they want.
You want more than a casual thing, of course they always have to start off casual but maybe you're not doing enough to build on things to get what you want. You're more sitting back hoping it will happen on its own. Well it rarely does OP.
Most of all though, don't panic, don't feel down hearted and you have reason to feel embarrassed. Just keep trying, be a little more ruthless, a little more assertive in getting what you want. Just make sure you don't change or try to, any of your core values on the basis of what guys want. all that matters is what you want and how to get that. What they want is for them to worry about.
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