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female
,
*ubian
writes: Hello,I'm in desperate need of help and advice concerning a problem to which I have posted before.It concerns my relationship with my boyfriend/exboyfriend.As I posted before,I'm currently 23 years old while he's 40.Because we're 17 years apart,he broke up with me because he thinks that our age difference would be a problem for us in the future.He believes that I will be greatly challenged by both his family and friends and that I may be very uncomfortable with the situation.I disagreed with him and still do because I believe that when u're with someone,or when you love someone that their age shouldn't be a problem but that what should really matter is how u feel for that person.Since I love him greatly and truly,I was prepared to go to the ends of the world for and with him,just to be by his side to go through,face or take on whatever may come our way together whether it be good or bad,cause my love for him is real,not for what i can get from him but because i really love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what.He broke up with me, but after that still comes to see me and spend time with me,there were times when it wasnt sexual other times it was a part of it.When we were together,he'd hold me in such a way as if he didnt want me to go,he'd continuously kiss my forehead,squeeze me to him and just hold unto me and admire me like he just wanted me to be there with him always but yet when he leaves i hardly hear from him,unless i call then he'll return the call and we'd talk.At time he'd say to me that there were many times when he'd picked up the phone to call me but started thinking that i may not want to speak with him so he instead he'd just put the phone back down without making the call.He even admitted that day and night he'd be constantly missing me and wondering what i'm doing or how i'm doing and longing that i was right there by his side,but still he wont budge concerning his decision why we cannot be together because he thinks that it wouldnt be fair to me.When ever I'm with him I feel such contentment, that this is exactly where i want to be for the rest of my life and beyond,and when i'm not near him,i simply feel like i just cannot go on,burdened,like a great part of me has just been taken away,there's just no joy left....without him.I love him because of the way i feel with him,happy,at peace,loved.He's a wonderful soul,caring and very considerate,gently and kind.One time he called me and my phone lost signal just as i answered,so i hung up and waited for him to call back but he didn't.When i called him back he said that he thought that i didnt want to speak with him so i hung up which wasnt even true,as i said it was because my phone lost signal and that why it got cut of.Over and over i say to myself that i deserve better than this,and long everyday to be loved and feel special and adored by a man,but not just any man ,i want it to be him.Last week i met a guy,who right away adored me.We went for a little walk by the lake front downtown and when he picked me up,as i entered his car he handed me a single,real red rose.I felt so special at that point,so good,it was a wonderful feeling,just that small gesture meant much to me for as they say sometimes it's the smallest things that really means a lot,that really touches one's heart. and that's how it is with me.Anyway this new guy told me that he's presently building a house and that he'd love to marry me someday and live there together and have kids when the time is right for us both.He said that he makes good money and know that he'll make me happy and take care of me and can and will give me anything that i ever want and need cause my happiness is his happiness.And though i love the thought of all of that,knowing that i can finally have the life i've ever wanted ,i still feel sad because it all cannot be with the man i want it to be with.I like this new guy but i dont feel really attracted to him.When iith him,i constantly think about my ex boyfriend and start wishing that it was him here instead,longing to see his smile again and to be held in his arms again,to smell his cologne .Just the thought of these things brings tears to my eyes and i feel so very empty inside.I've told my new friend that i want us to be just friends since i'm in love with someone else,he understands my situation and told me that he'll never pressure me that it's up to me to decide and that whatever my decision is that he'll support me on it which i appreciate.I really do not want to let go of my love for my ex and as i said over and over i try to forget him and let go,but everytime something deep inside of me keeps telling me or urging me to hold on to that hope and dont let go.Please anyone,if you can just give me even though it's the smallest bit of advise I'd greatly appreciate it for I am very confused and hurting right now.Right now i just cant see myself with another man but him(my ex).All my life i've struggled both emotionally and financially,and i've finally met a man who's eager to take care of me and cherish me just as i've always wanted but I only love one man and I cant seem to let him go.I'd rather to be with my ex and he loves and cherishes me and we struggle together rather than have a house and other nice things and be with a man i dont love.I want all of these things with him and not another,but at the same time i'm afraid that if i let this new friend go then i may never get that opportunity again to be loved and cherished that way again by a man and i dont want that,but as i said I dont love him,my true love is with and for my ex.I think it is possible for me to fall in love with my new friend one that,but that's something that can only come about with time,there is a possibility,but at the moment i'm in love with my ex and i dont ever want to let him go.....Please help and thanks you in advance and may God bless you all......
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (29 March 2006):
 Wow, you are hurting badly right now and your ex is not being fair to you.
If it is over then it should be over and you should be able to move forward. By him telling you that he misses you and wants to hold you and everything it is like a knife into your heart. It is all the things you want to hear but he is not putting them into practice.
OK so your ex is older than you but if you truly love one another this should not be an issue unless he feels that others would judge him with such a young girlfriend. Try and tackle it with him once and for all as you either need to move forward with him or have closure to go forward in your new life. Maybe suggest counselling like Relate or something as this would address all your issues with an independent person who would not judge you but listen and advise you both.
Although this new man is lovely he seems extremely full on very soon after your initial meeting and say marriage and all the things men know that a woman wants to hear is not always ideal.
You have attracted 2 men recently so do not fear that you would never get another man if you don't hold on to your new man. Make sure it remains as friends right now as I think anything more would be too confusing for you right now and although he seems understanding his feelings must be hurt that you love your ex.
Maybe you need time on your own to truly know what you want and make yourself busy with female friends and getting out and about. If your ex sees that you are coping without him this will just mean that you are a strong woman and the allure may be even greater to him that you are not just a young woman holding onto an older man in his eyes. Stand tall and stay strong no matter what.
You are young at the end of the day and you have your whole life ahead of you. Being miserable is not nice and should not be endured more than necessary. Get things out in the open with the ex and see where it takes you.
I am here each day or there are others who will advise you as well. This is only my opinion so you need to decide for yourself in the long run.
Good luck.
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