A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago I was raped and recently I received a lot of compensation for what happened to me. I left my job I was in after I was raped as I worked in a Pawnbrokers and I had a lot of regular customers who were men, lots of them would try flirting with me and I just couldn't face it. I was out of work for nearly a year and I struggled so much with money, I nearly lost my home and couldn't afford to eat some days.I think that I should have compensation just for that but I hate the fact that I have money that reminds me of what happened. My boyfriend took me out shopping yesterday, I bought a new sofa as my old one was second hand and I bought a painting. But then when I got home I got drunk with my boyfriend. I started looking at things I've bought with the money and got really upset about it. I kept thinking it reminded me of what happened.Before I had the compensation I think I was doing pretty well and starting to get over it but now I have this money I'm starting to feel bad again and I feel like giving it all to a charity or something.I had a panic attack and then an asthma attack, my boyfriend took me outside and managed to calm me down and got me my inhaler and was really good with me. But then I got back inside and I was sick from drinking, I was in a bit of a state. He looked really tired and decided to go to bed, I didn't want to sit by him in bed getting upset and annoying him so I said I'd go for a walk. He didn't want me to so I sat there crying and he just got really annoyed with me. He started holding the blanket over his ears and then being snappy with me.I asked him for a hug and he just kept telling me to go over to him but I could tell he really didn't want to be anywhere near me.I understand that dealing with some drunk person having a bit of a melt down isn't particularly nice and he was tired but I'm feeling really upset about the way he was, like he didn't care about any of it. I slept in a different room last night and when I was crying I could hear him swearing and telling me to shut up. He got up and banged the door shut and said I was forcing myself to cry.I got up this morning and needed some clothes out of the room he was in, he was awake because he kept moving around and sighing but he didn't say anything to me. Do you think that it's reasonable for him to be angry with me as I was keeping him up all night, should I apologise for having a bit of tantrum and expecting him just to deal with it. Or am I right to be really upset. I feel like ending things with him over this as he really doesn't care about what happened to me.I haven't been upset about any of this for a long time, I'm quite laid back and I try not to let things bother me so I guess he isn't used to this but I think I wouldn't be human if it never got me upset.Should I leave him over this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2015): It's really important that you get counselling, for your sake. I don't think you should be with him or anyone until you receive appropriate therapy, because you're just leaving yourself to become vulnerable and dependant on someone, that may not be the nicest person. Surround yourself with good people, that care about you, try not to get drunk until you've had therapy and are on all levels in a good place, as it will just exacberate any negative emotions. Take care of yourself, and if you find the money is a trigger, maybe open a separate bank account and put it all in there, then you don't have to think about it until you're ready.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 the short answer is yes...if this lil' dude cannot understand the trauma you are trying to get through then he's as useless as the creeps that raped you.Any man that can't understand this is not a man worth being with. Sounds like you've got a minor guit issue with the monetary compensation. Look, you were violated and the money angle has a positve influence towards trying to revive your life. Why not go on a long vacation to an island paradise and just chill for a while? you deserve a break from the current environment. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 I'm so sorry you went through a rape and a trial.
My advice to you? GET professional help. One )or more of these link might be able to provide you with a counselor with expertise in rape counseling. I'd suggest you find a female counselor.
http://rapecrisis.org.uk/
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealth/Pages/Sexualassault.aspx
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-victims/ive-been-affected/rape-or-sexual-assault-info-women
You BF can't fix this for you and maybe that was partly the reason he was acting like an asshat last night.
And your BF is not a very compassionate, nor emphatic person.
I get that he was tired, I get that he didn't know what to do... but he could have just held you. Being snippy, rude and mad solves nothing. (fro either of you).
With that said, I don't know many men who knows what to do with a crying woman. Most men get almost paralyzed or angry.
I fully understand how you feel that the things you bought with the money is a pisspoor trade for the part of you that you lost. But I think you need to start thinking about those things differently. They are not a "Boobie-prize" or payment for having been raped but a HELP to get you back in your feet and back to who you are meant to be. NEVER feel same about that money! NEVER feel shame about the rape. Only one who should do that, is your rapist!
No matter what, my advice stand, GET professional help. This is not something a BF is equipped to handle.
Now what you want to do about the BF, that is up to you. Just promise me hat you GET counseling. If you have had it before, GET it again.
Chin up (and by the by, YOU did nothing wrong in being emotional).
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