A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a guy from work and as we were getting to know each other I learnt that he takes cocaine on the occasional night out and smokes a lot of weed. He is also a regular smoker, but I knew this all along. In the early stages I made it perfectly clear that I didn't care what he did when I wasn't around but I didn't like him taking drugs around me. And before we became official I voiced my concerns that I didn't know how we'd work because of the differing views and he said "I won't let drugs ruins another relationship" He has never smoked weed around me and has cut his habit down massively but still does it occasionally. There was a few arguments about the coke but we come to an agreement that he wouldn't do it around me. We've now been together 2 years and he has still never smoked weed around me but at my best friends wedding last week he took some cocaine. I obviously wasn't overly happy about this. He has also started smoking more and more, I don't mind that he smokes as I knew that when we got together but it's starting to annoy me that I'm being left on my own more and more whilst he goes outside to smoke. I was at his house yesterday and he cooked me a lovely dinner and I offered to do the washing up. (We both live alone and generally he will wash up at his, altho I have before, and I wash up at mine, he has never offered to wash up at mine). He then went to smoke and I got annoyed so I said I'm not washing up whilst you are smoking. He got annoyed and it turned into a blazing row as he thinks I'm trying to control him. His side of the argument is that his actions are upsetting me and he doesn't know how to stop that without him stopping doing things he wants to do, but he isn't willing to change who he is and be controlled. My argument is that I'm not being controlling, he can do what he wants but it's not fair when they impact on me, I'm not asking him to stop smoking but I don't want to sit on my own all the time. Am I being controlling? Any suggestions on how we resolve this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2015): I think that it's part of who he is and that you've known that all along. I UNDERSTAND your concern and being upset, and no, I don't think you are controlling- I'm hoping he was just mad when he said that. But I do think that this is something you noth need to work out. He's doing what you asked. You offered to wash the dishes. So he figured he'd go smoke. In the future I cnt see it changing much. If he was like this to begin with but that's just my opinion.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 You are at a crossroads.
The science is in, smoking cigarettes is a very unhealthy practice, I was a heavy smoker for a long, long time, and it is as addictive as any other drug. I found I needed a very strong motivation to give up. It seems that at this stage your relationship is not strong enough motivation for your boyfriend to give up smoking.
The taking of cocaine at your best friend's wedding, when he is aware of your feelings on the habit, was an indication that his desires come before you.
This man is not going to change his habits, you now decide if you are capable of accepting his smoking and weed and cocaine use (and who knows what else in the future), or if now is the time for you to say "I don't like these habits, and I never will" and walk away.
You two are never going to be able to agree here.
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