A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a rut and have been for a long time (although I appreciate many people are!).The last 10 years in my head are nothing but a blurred montage of bad decisions, depression, regret, anxiety, ill health and lack of motivation.From about 16 everything seemed to go downhill. I've been miserable and with it have made all those around me the same thus ruining my families lives too.I am now nearing 28 and flit from rubbish job to rubbish job with long periods of moping around doing nothing, being miserable and tearful in my room in between. I went to Uni and did a pathetic course that left me broke and less motivated with no actual further education and even less self worth.I have also been consistently tired for about a decade and am on the verge of potentially being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome although it is hard to tell if it is that or just tiredness from depression. I have problems with dizziness and tinitus from a bad case of labyrinthitis years ago though so problems could stem from that.Anyway, you get the picture:So, I'm at a stage where I'm desperate and NEED to do something with my life. But what?I have been offered a job in China teaching English for a year which I am tempted to do but am concerned firstly that my health won't cope (especially as it's in a very polluted area) and secondly that I will come back nearly 30 without any further progress towards actually having a life or career.I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years but we broke up at the beginning of the year because I was just too miserable and had no joy for life but also did not want the 'mortgage and kids' life that she wanted.She tried to get back with me a few times but I didn't as I don't think it is fair to her to be in a relationship with me when I'm just gonna bring her down. But i miss her terribly.We also broke up with the idea that I would try and get my life sorted so that we could maybe get back in the future with renewed vigour but instead I have done practically nothing in the year we've been apart which must have really hurt her. I just can't seem to do anything.We stopped talking altogether a few months ago as it was too painful for her but now it is eating me up that I can't even know how she is as I still really care about her. So do I try and get back with her in the knowledge I'm not a different person and that I'm not ready to settle down like she is? or do I go to China for a year even though I'm not sure i want to go and definitely say goodbye to the relationship and maybe suffer with my health abroad and then come back with no further progress in any aspirations of life?I'm so stuck - days just go by and life keeps ticking away and I just don't know what to do.Sorry for the ramble!Many thanks for your time
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Depression is a hormonal imbalance and will need medication to help it.
If you have been offered this job then maybe the person you see yourself as, isnt what the outside world sees. Clearly your girlfriend loved you enough to want to be married and spend her life with you. Not something to take lightly.
Go to docs, get checkup and be honest and i mean truelly honest about how you feel and that this is affecting your quality of life. Tackle things in stages. Make a list if you so wish and score out your achievements when you have done them. Start small and then aim big. e.g Got out of room and took a walk outside.
laughed out loud ( good old fashioned laurel and hardy does it for me but you get my drift)
Once your depression feels like its getting under control then yeah definately go to China. No 1 rule make sure you are ok and love yourself, before committing to a relationship. If its ment to be then you will find out in time. Goodluck, i know that depression is hellish and i feel for you x
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you've been feeling this way for so many years. But, know that you can change that, and it's up to you. Remember that many things can cause depression, but it's more likely that your mind is bringing you down. Positive thing is that you are still young, and have a full life ahead to make changes, and be happy.
I think that going to china for a year is a great idea. Why? Rather this could become a career, it will be good for you to be in a different environment. Maybe, while being away for a year, you can think better, get some positive energy, clear your mind, meet new people, learn a different culture, to me all that is a positive experience. Rather you choose to stay, or if this experience will be successful, what's important here is that will help you decide what you want to do with your future.
Thinking about the past won't change anything, it's past and there's nothing you can do about. Do not feel depress, or put yourself down for not have accomplish the things you wanted, yet. Like I said, you still have plenty of time. Instead of being depress, feeling sorry for you, having regrets, put your energy to positive thoughts, and be happy you are alive, and that you still have a chance.
I know it's difficult to take the first step, if you have the financial means, go seek for a therapist, so you can let everything inside out, I am also against medication, put maybe you can take for a while just to help you get motivated, stop feeling sad, and anxiety. Also, get a physical check up, and if the doctor says you are healthy enough, go to china. Don't be afraid, you have nothing to loose. Think this way, let's say you don't go, decide to stay? Another year will go by, and nothing has changed?
I think you are constantly tired, because you are overthinking too much about everything. Of course, that takes a lot of energy from your body, and mind. In the beginning will be hard, because you will have to push yourself to believe that you are ok, happy, but with time you won't have to try anymore, and will become normal to you.
Just know that there's nothing wrong with you, you are just feeling a little down because things didn't go according to plan. Just know that a lot of people have the same problems, money, debt? So everybody in the world. Just know you can change your life, and all your problems are fixable. You have high expectations of yourself, that's a good thing. Just take a day at a time, and everything will fall in it's place. You will have all your answers.
To be happy, you need to take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, meet friends, take a walk in the park, breath fresh air, keep yourself busy. You need to exercise, eat healthy, well so you have energy to control your mind, and overcome what's bringing you down. Know, right now, you are
your own enemy.
Anyways, sorry I am writing too much, but I hope you get the idea?
Hope you feel better soon, I wish you happiness in your future... Good luck with whatever you decide, and be confident. It's ok to make mistakes, we are all human, and mistakes are part of life. Appreciate life, friends, your family, appreciate the fact that you are still alive, there's a reason why you are still here. I know you will overcome this, you will be successful, and you will be happy. One day, you will look back at this point where you are right now, and you will smile..
Best wishes/good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Remind yourself that there are people in the world who are a lot worse off. I know to each and every one of us our worries seem like the worst thing in the world but really they are not at all. You mention depression so I very much hope you have taken measures to deal with that with your doctor as life can't feel better until that is under control. Honestly, what have you got to lose by going to China? It may kick start a passion for travel or make you appreciate home. Get to the doctors and address any health issues that may flare up while there and it is vital you get health insurance that will look after you should anything happen while out there. But you can't spend your time worrying about "what if..." or before you know it another decade will pass and you will regret not making a start now. It's better late than never. Good luck, keep us updated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): The fact you know you need to do something which is a start. Ime not a great believer in popping pills but ime not a doctor.So if they help...
You know what you don't want just yet, marriage and responsibility - so thats another bonus.
You have a great opportunity to go to China a chance to experience new things,meet new people and taste a new culture. I can understand you being wary but why not ask your doctor if your physically fit enough to go and take it from there?
The year away will help you decide what you want - it may be a relationship it may be more travel.
The only way to improve your situation is to take positive steps to help yourself, fight back. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.Break the cycle.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 I really think you need to speak with a therapist. There are lots of medications available these days that will help you tremendously. Constant Fatigue can also be treated. I think once you get on proper medication and get out of your depression, you will be in a better state of mind to make such serious decisions.
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